Why, read my own fanfiction, of course!
It'll be a challenge, mostly because my stuff is written so utterly blandly that it's a struggle to make fun of anything, but hey, I can at least try and remember the thought processes behind my creative decisions, right? As for what to comment on... well, given how utterly perfect and wonderful the stories on my fanfiction.net account are, it's obviously impossible to make fun of those. Nah, I'll need to dig deeper, to the days before I wrote such amazing plotlines as 'what if Wriggle actually liked getting punched by an older woman" and "what if some grimderp idiot wanted to blow up Gensokyo because why not".
...Holy shit that was me after improving.
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Pokemon: Ruination, written by yours truly, is a Pokemon fanfic in which... Missingno appears. It's... bad. really bad. No need to mince words, I can take it. How does Missingno appear? Stupidity. What does it do? Be a terrible creepypasta wannabe. Why did I think this was a good idea? Because I was not a smart person. Not like today, where I'm pretty godly at everything I do, of course.
No story summary, because... I dunno, the title tells you everything you need to know? At any rate, here's the first chapter... chapter 0. In which a trainer is running to Cinnabar Island's Pokemon Centre amidst torrential rain.
"My, it's really coming down," Nurse Joy commented in a conversational manner to the trainer.
"Yeah." The trainer sighed. From his tone, he wasn't in the best of spirits. Joy picked up on his mood.
"So, how'd your gym battle go?" she asked with a bright smile, although she knew the answer.
So Joy can tell this guy isn't happy and cheerfully asks him how badly he got his ass kicked by the local gym leader. Deliberately characterising Joy as a sadistic monster that enjoys the suffering of trainers, or writing so inept that characterisation changes between sentences? I will let you decide.
"Oh dear, well I'm sure you'll do better next time!" Joy encouraged, taking his offered Pokeballs. Her Pokemon Assistant, Chansey, was preparing a machine behind her. This Machine rejuvenated tired Pokemon nearly instantly.
Placing the trainers five Pokeballs inside the machine, she switched it on. The Pokeballs flashed momentarily with the Lightning outside.
You will probably find that most of the writing is... incredibly bland. Like, unbelievably bland. Blander than the last pitch you heard for an isekai story gimmick. Writing so bland it makes Twilight jokes seem funny and topical to make in 2020. What I'm getting at is that this story is really bad and boring.
"Just train some more. Blaine is strong, but I'm sure you have the potential to win!" Joy encouraged some more.
Thunder crackled outside as the boy accepted his Pokemon. "Yeah, I'm sure I will."
Honestly, if you can't beat a gym leader that uses a Super Potion on a Pokemon with full health, you maybe deserve to have a nurse rub it in your nose a little.
With a smile, Nurse Joy turned and entered a room behind her. The room was used for Pokemon who couldn't be healed by the machine, and it was time to check up an Ivysaur that had nearly drowned yesterday.
The magical machine capable of resuscitating unconscious Pokemon, thawing them without issue, healing 3rd degree burns and whatever else happens in their constant battling, can't deal with water inhalation. Sucks for you if a Blastoise took aim for your precious Sandshrew, ain't no way it's getting a quick heal.
The trainer now turned to his right, and walked towards a PC. Placing his Pokeballs on a table, except one, he logged onto the PC. He started up the Storage Program.
"You cost me that match." The trainer muttered, remembering the two on two battle he had with Blaine. Blaine's Rapidash was taken out by Dugtrio, but then his Magmar took it down. His hopes ran on the Porygon he recently caught. He was told it was a Powerful Pokemon, but Magmar took it down quicker than Dugtrio. Completely useless.
I know the Gen 1 games might as well be the Hard Mode for the series in general, but at some point you really should take responsibility for not bothering to train a Pokemon at all before taking on an expert at battling.
Placing the Pokeball on a special teleporter, he clicked 'Deposit'. Never again would he use such a weakling. It would stay in there until he could trade it or something.
Just as the Pokeball containing Porygon was being transferred, thunder struck the Centre's antennae. The signal for the computer messed up, powering down mid transfer.
That moment when your Pokemon Deposit system runs on Link Cable rules. Enjoy your cloned Porygon, random trainer!
The trainer was gripped with fear. What happened? Did the Pokemon make it to his box? Was it all right?
'Wait, why do I care?' he wondered. He hated the weak thing. At least this way, it wasn't wasting space.
"Oh no, did I just accidentally kill an innocent animal... program... sentient creature? Wait, why should I care, I already watched it get the shit kicked out of it by a creature made entirely of fire and ducklips."
-The power is restored-
The screen showed something peculiar. It was... a scrambled mess of pinkish red pixels from the look of it. The graphics card must have been damaged. But what about his Box?
The trainer was about to try and access his box when suddenly, a garbled noise came from the computer. The trainer freaked out and jumped back. The noise continued, screeching a horrible cry. It was like someone jumbled up notes on an 8-bit music player.
You thought it was a mere Pokemon fanfic, but little did you realise that it was a creepypasta all along!
Finally, it stopped, and the trainer could lower his hands from his ears. What the hell was that? Maybe he should get Nurse Joy...
What is she supposed to do, whack the PC until it stops screaming 8-bit gibberish or whatever?
The pinkish red jumble of pixels flickered. It seemed to move closer to the screen. Was it... Was it looking at him? Could it see? What the hell was it?!
The trainer stepped back uneasily. He cleared his throat, trying to call Nurse Joy, but this computer was freaking him out.
Ten years later and I still have no idea how one is supposed to discern if a jumble of pixels is looking at you. But, uh... doesn't it sure sound spooooooooooky to suggest it?
Suddenly, the screen smashed, glass flying outward. the trainer yelled and covered his face with his arms. Luckily, the glass missed him, but smoke was coming from the computer. More thunder and lightning crashed overhead as the rain pelted the island.
"What happened? Are you okay, Jerry?!" Joy shouted, running to the counter in alarm.
The trainer, Jerry, stood where he was, looking at the smoke blowing computer. He couldn't see anything through it. He could see Joy running towards him, yelling if he was okay.
This is definitely the most natural way to introduce the guy's name before he gets eaten by a glitch, yep. Can't have the cause of the plot be completely nameless, can we? We need to know Jerry's name because how else are we supposed to tell him apart from the other... let's say he's a Youngster.
"Oh no, the computer!" She gasped as he reached Jerry's side. "How did that-"
They both froze when something emerged from the smoke. It was... Inhuman. Not even a Pokemon. It was... was...
Wires. Lots of wires. And glass, there should be plenty of that. Maybe even a Rotom?
"That thing...That's the glitch on the screen?" Jerry muttered in terror as the pixelled entity slowly floated forward.
"W-w-what is that?" Joy stammered in terror. Chansey had come to investigate now, and it froze at the site of the creature.
"W-w-what is that?" Joy stammered in terror. Chansey had come to investigate now, and it froze at the site of the creature.
 |
| Pictured: A terrifying abomination on nature |
The entity, once a Pokemon, floated towards the group. It knew the young boy. It didn't know why any more, but this trainer.. hated it. Hate filled the entity, despising the trainer that had apparently wronged him. It began to glow.
"W-what's it-?" Joy stammered again, but before she could finish, the entity launched forward, too fast for them to follow.
No one in the Island heard the screams over the storm that night.
I'm sure, once you managed to unscramble the unholy noise it made, Missingno said something to the effect of "heh, nothin' personnel, kid".
And that's the prelude of this epic... mysterious... er... dark and shocking? "Story". I would be amazed that it last 16 chapter, if said chapters weren't hilariously short enough to barely cover a total of, like, ten pages or something. Before I continue on, I guess I can share the incredible biography for the characters shown up to this point. Because I guess I decided that a fanfiction based on one of the most popular video games of all time needed a space to introduce its characters.
Name: Jerry
Age: 10
Occupation: Trainer
Team: Dugtrio, ?, ?, ?
Misc: The genius who screwed up everything.
Past Me was quite the dick, huh? It wasn't like Jerry planned for a lightning bolt to kill the PC while he was using it. Actually, if something like that were a possibility, surely the Pokemon World would have failsafes for that kind of scenario? Otherwise there would be a lot of Missingno's. Or dead Pokemon floating in the void between reality and cyberspace.
Name: Nurse Joy
Age: Not a day under 30 maybe.
Occupation: Take a guess.
Team: Chansey
Misc: Would it be easier to tell them apart if they had first names?
Reasons why you never give someone access to colour tags when writing stories:
A common theme behind the misc. sections of these comprehensive character biographies are unfunny one-liners. That's... all there is to them. I guess we can move onto chapter 1 proper now.
Flying high over Pallet Town, a large dragon-like Pokemon floated high above. This orange beast, Charizard, was one of the Pokemon belonging to the newest Champion, Red.
Best starter gets to be fully evolved first in this story. It's the law.
Red sat carefully on Charizard's back, making sure not to fall off. It was great to be going home. When he left this town, he was just a newbie who knew nothing of being a Pokemon Trainer, and now he returned as Kanto's best Trainer. Beating Green for the Championship was pretty awesome too.
You'll notice that I use the name 'Green' for the rival here, because I was really into Pokemon Special back in the day, and to this day it makes way more sense to me that Blue is Green, and Green is Blue. Although I guess Blue would be Leaf, following the logic behind this fic's universe, therefore Green should be Blue, and Red remains Red.
Okay, maybe Oak can't be fully blamed for forgetting his name.
The large Pokemon glided lower and lower, towards the centre of town. Charizard remembered when it was just a Charmander, and was chosen by Red to be his first partner. He was inexperienced, but wanted to be useful to his new trainer. And now the Charmander had grown up to be a mighty Charizard.
I still struggle with brevity in my writing, but boy is it really painful looking at it here. Absolutely nothing is really conveyed here, just really short, simple statements, like a really bored recital of bullet points.
-Red lands in town and everyone gathers round-
"You've certainly come a long way, Red." Oak praised, extending his hand and stroking Charizard's neck. "From beginning Trainer to Champion. And it only took you ten months."
Who takes ten months to beat a game set in Kanto? Such a scrub. I bet that Charizard only knows Fire-type moves too.
"Oh, there's my little Champion!" Yet another voice cried out, and Red immediately recognised this one too. suddenly, a woman shot forward and enveloped him in a bone breaking hug.
"Oh, my little Red, I've missed you so much! You could have come visit me, y'know! You can fly anywhere and you don't even stop by for five minutes..."
That's the downside to region-wide free health care, I'm afraid.
-Green sulks in the background-
Green understandably wasn't happy about Red becoming Champion. That was taken from him. Even though Green was forced to accept Red as Champion, he didn't like it. Even if he respected Red for his strength a little.
Green is a tsundere confirmed. "I-I guess Red-kun is a little strong... but just a little, b-baka!"
The rest of Red's team composed of:
Pikachu, from Viridian Forest. It had been his first capture.
Bulbasaur, which had resided on the road between Mt. Moon's exit and Cerulean City.
Wartortle, which he found as a Squirtle near Vermillion City.
Snorlax, which had been causing problems by blocking a road to Vermillion City.
And Eevee, which had joined him because its previous owner treated it like a tool rather than a friend.
And in the edgy 2010's reboot of this story, Eevee is replaced by Lapras because... I dunno, Nuzlocke death or something. Also all the jokes are replaced with death and sadness and brooding. Also Red is silent because of the pain in his heart.
They all played happily with the younger town residents as Red familiarised himself with his old room. Oak and his mother were downstairs talking about something or other. Maybe his recent victory. It was nice that he was a local celebrity now, but he hoped he wouldn't constantly be stopped in the street to be praised. For all he knew, there would come a day when he would be beaten by an even better Trainer. Always someone better, as they say.
Not sure how that would take away from you being a Champion... but according to this story, everyone loved Green until he was beaten by Red. Which must have lasted for all of an hour or something? Maybe everyone in Pallet Town is super fickle.
After checking out his old PC, Red switched on the T.V. There was a news broadcast on. As far as he knew, the biggest news was him, but this about something different.
Therefore, Red had no interest. Nothing was more interesting than him, after all.
-The news reports that Cinnabar Island is under attack by extremely powerful Pokemon, and a Fearow with a camera's gonna take a look-
The T.V. went static for a second as camera broadcast's were shifted. Then a birds eye view of Cinnabar Island flashed on screen.
Red's eyes widened when he saw the display. the camera (Which would be attacked to the Fearow's neck) slowly rotated as the Fearow circled the island. He could sea a lot of buildings had been destroyed. Had the Pokemon done that?
Probably a safe bet. They're the ones attacking the island, after all.
"From what we can see, the Pokemon have rampaged through Cinnabar!" A Voice narrated in an excited voice. "There are no people outside, and it is assumed they were safely evacuated to the Cinnabar Volcano, where Resident Gym Leader Blaine, who had sent a mysterious S.O.S. message, conducts his training!"
Reporter Dude, you need to work on your exposition delivery. You can elaborate once you say 'Blaine evacuated people probably maybe".
Suddenly, the Fearow screeched in surprise, and the camera moved around frantically as the Fearow manoeuvred, apparently to dodge an attack.
"The Fearow is being attacked! This is bad, it's been spotted!" The voice shouted, now in alarm. "Come back Fearow! Return quickly!"
The Fearow tried evading an attack from the Pokemon, just a tiny Pidgey. The Fearow couldn't understand how a timid bird like that would find the courage to attack, but Fearow could sense something horribly wrong with it. It exuded an aura that didn't belong to a creature of this world.
I'll spare you a second shitty MENACING photoshop job and instead ask how we can establish it's a Pidgey when it's a super fast little bird against a flailing neck-camera. The next line makes it obvious the reporter (and anyone watching) can't see the thing. I mean, obviously the answer is just terrible writing, as well as conveying to the reader that the super strong Pokemon is a normally weak little birb.
Suspense was not a thing I was ever good at, as you can tell.
-The Pidgey Quick attacks the Fearow to probable-death-
The camera went dead when it hit the ground, and Red stared at his T.V. in disbelief. What had happened to that Fearow? Something big must have knocked it down. The Reporter was silent with shock, unable to believe their Pokemon was knocked out the sky.
'Whatever's happening in that Island...' Red thought to himself. 'I have to check this out. Something's horribly wrong there. I just know it.'
I mean, yeah, Pokemon are running rampant to the point that the gym leader sent out some sort of distress signal. It's hardly a subtle conspiracy.
Chapter 1 ends there, and as fun as it is to reread my masterworks, I'll end it here for now. I might discuss the overall plot in a future blog post (shouldn't be too hard to remember the plot beats, nothing of interest ever really happens), but for now... enjoy hearing about the Porygon that got glitched into some digital abomination, I guess?
...Ah, what the hell, let's look at a few more bios.
Name: Red
Age: 10
Occupation: Pokemon Champion
Team: Charizard, Wartortle, Bulbasaur, Eevee, Snorlax, Pikachu
Misc: Constantly interrupted before he can talk.
Such a shame we couldn't see much of the hilarious gag of 'Red is not allowed to talk'. I'm sure you would have loved the various methods in which the universe conspires to keep him silent. On another note, can you guess my order of preference for Kanto starters?
Name: Green
Age: 10
Occupation: Former Champion
Team: Pidgeot, Arcanine, Alakazam, Rhydon, Exxegutor, Machamp
Misc: Has a habit of appearing from seemingly nowhere to challenge people.
"What's your current occupation?"
"Well I used to be a Champion."
"Well I used to be a Champion."
"...But what are you right now?"
"A former champ."
Why did I ever bother with those things when they tell you even less than what the games themselves did. Oh well, I guess everyone starts off writing utter cringe. How else are you supposed to find your style if you don't get the worst of it out of your system?
Smell ya later, readers.
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