Who's That Fanfic? It's Pokémon!

Y'know, I can understand wanting to rewrite a blank main character to be more interesting. When you're stuck with a generic, static caricature for several hundred episodes, fans may want to see something slightly different... but why does everyone seem to want tryhard edgelords?

Today's story is Ghost of an Ideal, by CrossTheDeadKnight. It is... well, it sure is something, alright.

Accuse for unknown reasons and Betrayed by his friends, All of Ash's Pokémon turned on him even his best friend as he came back years later as one of Alola's representative to participate in a tournament, Ash was more mean and cruel towards people outside his friend-zone, how will he fair his new public life?

So Ash was betrayed by all of his friends? Literally all of them? As in, every single character he befriended from episode 1 to... whatever Alola episode the show's on now? Damn, Ash must have fucked up pretty bad to make that happen. I can't wait to find out the cause! Let's get started...

A man wearing a black sleeveless hooded shirt and black long pants was lying on a messy bed with a Beedrill beside him as he glanced at the ceiling above his head.
'Thinking about that day?' A voice asked.

How strange. Usually I'm told that the character is wearing sneakers/trainers. Which would be solid black, because that's the diverse colour palette established so far.

'Nothing you need to know, and I wish I don't remember it.' The man sneered.
"We've been ruthless for the past four years until we were accepted here and lived for two years.' Beedrill responded

That has absolutely nothing to do with the previous question asked, Beedrill. Why did you randomly state that nonsensical piece of exposition?

...Oh, right, according to a text guide at the top of the chapter, 'speech like this' denotes Aura/telepathy speech, so the drill-wielding giant bee isn't actually speaking. At last fanfic writers remember Ash has the former ability...?

The man looked at the wall as he shut his eye, remembering the day that he was falsely accused by the PLA for a deed he didn't do.

Given that this man is obviously Ash, who is forever ten years old, I have to wonder how he's a man at all. we can pretend time decided to exist and place him at... fourteen years old at most. Unless his new edgy persona grew a beard of sorrow or something.

(Flashback, 6 Years Ago)

Oh, I guess there was a two-year delay or something between Betrayal Day and now. Sure, I guess you don't become an edgelord overnight.

-Ash has the most generic dream about everyone walking away from him. How prophetic-

The morning rose as the boy got up to leave, and right after he left something rose from the ground looking at him.

...Are you... going to elaborate what the 'something' is, or...?

-They run to Professor Oak's lab. Apparently this took fifteen minutes-

The door soon swung open to reveal Professor Oak who seems disappointed and was something that Ash did not take note of as the young man started to speak.

Oak is not amused that after... just about twenty years worth of episodes, Ash has managed to fill up 50 or so slots on the Pokédex, spanning nearly 1000 species right now. Step up your game, dude!

-Ash then returns to his home-

"Finally, we're home Pikachu, we got second place in the Kalos league against those Mega Evolution trainers." Ash remarked as Piakchu nodded.

"It's a shame I lost to a guy that had both Mega Mewtwo X and a Mega Rayquaza, but I'm sure everyone was happy with that battle!"

What even is a Mega Evolution trainer? Are they allowed to use more than one at a time or something? Does a whole group of them flood the league and beat everyone up?

The boy opened the door to see many familiar faces from all around his journey, from what he could tell they didn't have a friendly look, were they all here to congratulate him or something?

...Ash. Think that through again, please. 'They don't have a friendly look', 'they must be here to congratulate me'?

"If you think we're here to congratulate you, think again, because WE will never celebrate with a cheater like you!" She yelled directly at Ash's face.Ash turn from happy to shock as he faced them, what were they talking about? He doesn't cheat not in any unfair methods.

Not in unfair methods, huh. So I assume Ash is the kind of guy that advocates for using Big Head Mode in league tournaments, but isn't so keen on God Mode? Fair enough.

"What?! Then tell me, what did I cheat in!" Ash challenged.
"The PLA found several prohibited items inside your locker during the Kalos League, they even got picture evidence!" Brock yelled.

...And those items were... what? Rare Candies? Carbos? Something completely useless since they were in a random locker, and not being used during a battle?

"That has got to be a lie! I don't cheat!" Ash continued to protest.
"Your punishment has already been carried out! Why don't you just quit, little kids like you don't deserve to be trainers!" Iris screeched.

I like to imagine Iris is just doing that Godzilla scream, there.

"The whole town already hates you tarnishing their name, even Gary did better than you!" Ash turn from the corner of his eye to see his mother, was she against him as well?

Oof, man. Good thing Gary isn't part of this hate mob, that might've hurt his feelings.

Oh yeah I should really question this, huh? Why is every single travelling companion shitting on him, when they know Ash doesn't cheat? Brock mentioned evidence, buuuuuut where is it? Assuming Ash did 'cheat', what exactly was so horrendous to warrant this kind of reaction?!

"Face it, people from the boonies can never win other leagues unless they cheated like you did!" Trip yelled.

It's a small town directly next to a very large city, not an isolated village tucked between mountains. Calm the fuck down, whoever you are.

"If you say punishment, what type of punishment!" Ash yelled, in his heart he already sensed that his nightmare was going to become a reality, but in his mind, he believes that it wasn't real.
"Follow us, and you'll find out but don't regret it." Dawn sneered.

Hoo boy, I can't wait to find out what illegal retribution far worse than Ash's supposed crime turns out to be!

Ash hesitantly followed the group as they arrive outside of Professor Oak's lab, Brock opened the door as they went inside, Ash could see Professor Oak staring at him with a huge look of disappointment.

That look has surely been permanently fixed to his face at this point.

"I hardly believe this Ash, to think you would cheat and as your sponsor I find it shameful that I let you start your journey." The professor shook his head in disappointment.

Why were you even fucking born, Ash.

"I'm afraid I have already carried out your punishment, and as the order came from the PLA, I have released all your Pokémon back to the wild and have given them to worthy trainers that doesn't cheat like you." The elderly professor responded.

Pallet Town was promptly overrun by a pack of Tauros, a sentient pile of sludge that loved hugs, and an obese monstrosity that flopped on top of little Timmy and hasn't moved since. Good job, Oak and PLA.

"R-R-R-RELEASED!" Ash roared.
"Of course, why does a cheater like you need Pokémon for?" Tracey sneered.

...Companionship? They exist for more than glorified cock battles, Mr. I Draw Pokémon For A Living.

"What about the ones I left with you this morning!" Ash yelled.
"I too have released them back into the wilds, your journey ends here Ash." Oak answered calmly.

Because there is literally no way Ash can walk over to a shop and buy a couple more Pokéballs.

Not believing a single word, Ash ran into the ranch to see that to his horror were true, not a single one of his Pokémon were left and even if they were there, they didn't like him at all as his heart sank into darkness.

How do you even know that? How would his Pokémon even know he 'cheated'?

Ash turn his head to Pikachu who hopped off and walked towards the other side as his heart sank deeper and deeper into darkness, his worst nightmare came true, no one believed in him and everyone hates him.

You know better than anyone he didn't cheat you stupid little shit.

He ran out of the ranch as he cried leaving a few smirking traitors behind him.
"A cheater like him doesn't need Pokémon, and now they're all but ours for the taking!" Misty cheered.

Ooooohhhh... so every single one of Ash's friends were secretly evil the entire time, and had carefully waited for the exact moment to... uh... did he really cheat? Seems weird to maintain he's a cheater when he's no longer around, Misty.

The rest agreed as they ran around the ranch, and at a corner of the lab was a huge pile of smashed poke balls.

I guess none of them considered the idea that smashing a Pokéball with a monster inside it is slightly lethal to said monster. Oh well, not like Ash was gonna use them anyway!

Ash stopped in the forest near Pallet Town as he leans against the tree with dead looks in his eye, a bush rustled beside him as a Weedle came out.
"What's wrong human?" It asked.

Unlike the Beedrill this must inevitably become, Weedle is using actual quotation marks. Meaning this little guy is actually talking. Not bad for a bug that doesn't even have a mouth.

"Nothing is wrong, nothing." Ash replied with a cold tone.
"It can't be nothing if you're crying." Weedle retorted.

No, Weedle, don't be fooled! He's lowering your defences with Fake Tears!

"So, it happened after all." The two turn to see a dark figure appear from the ground.
"You were trying to warn me, why didn't I believe it." Ash laughed dejectedly at his own foolishness.

This is obviously a plot point from the anime that I am unaware of, hence why this sudden appearance is treated as something we should already know about.

He stood up as he took out his pokedex, without a second of hesitation, the kanto trainer drived a sharp wood through the red device as Weedle faced him.

"You realise that you just destroyed one of the greatest encyclopedic tools ever created for no reason, correct?" The speech-capable worm asked incredulously, for he was a lot smarter than the ten-year old trainer with twenty year's worth of training and battling experience.

"Without that, how will you do anything?" The little bug asked.
"I have a plan."
During the night, Ash sneaked into Professor Oak's lab as he took a pokedex that was meant for a new trainer,

...I...

...But you just...

why

he went to the machine to removed two things, one was his limit capacity and second was the tracking device.

So Professor Oak is the one that owns a nondescript machine that sucks away Ash's Pokéball's once he has six? Does it work on every trainer in the world? How and why would you turn that off?

Also, what tracking device? I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS

He soon walked back to the woods as he looks at the two in front of him.
"Do you guys want to come with me?" He asked darkly.
"Of course." Both Pokémon agreed.

On the condition that Ash never try that hardcore villain voice ever again.

Hold up, two Pokémon? What? The dark figure's a Pokémon? Uh... glad to... find that out? I guess?

Ash tossed two dusk ball that he stole on the way back, the ball hit the two Pokémon as they got sucked in with a click of no resistance.

~SYMBOLIC CHOICE OF POKéBALL~

"From this day forth, Ash Ketchum is dead, there shall be a Ghost to spread terror." Ash said darkly as he smirks before leaving the area.

What, was Tri-edge too silly for you?

(Current Day)
'Six years and your name were cleared.' Darkrai started.

It took six years for obvious bullshit to be disproved? Also hi Darkrai.

'That still doesn't change the fact that they ruined my life, because of them, this is who I become.' Ash retorted.

I mean... you could have, like... not become a bitter ass? Granted, I've never had fifty people from my life suddenly accuse me of cheating because they were secretly evil bastards the whole time, but you could've been the bigger man, Ash.

He opened the door to see a few people dancing around a radio that was radiating music.

That... that is an odd sight to see outside your front door, really.

-Ash shoos them away, then goes to school with Guzma. Okay then-

Arriving at some sort of school, Ash walked in to see a few people greeting him and as Beedrill said, he was never friendly towards people outside of Alola.

Why? So wait, he hates literally everyone from Kanto, Johto and everywhere else that's not Alola? Because that's where all his other friends came from?

Ash please use your logics.

A man soon walked in as he looked at the entire gang including Ash who was sitting on the railing, obviously not afraid of falling over.

omg so cool

"I got a letter, so who wants to have the honor of reading it?" Kukui said out loud.
"Why don't you read it, Ghost?" Mallow questioned.
"Hell, no." Ash rejected darkly.

Ash really hates being called by his silly new name that he decided to call himself.

"Come on, It's just a letter Ghost." Lana added.
"If you're so free, why don't you read it." He sneered.
"Well, you are the strongest here among us." Kiawe retorted.

It is a well-known custom in Alola that only the very best, like no one ever was, are taught how to read.

-Ash finally reads the letter, written by President Goodshow. I guess he heads the PLA-

I would like you to have some of your trainers to participate in this year's World Cup, the venue will be at the Indigo Plateau within the Kanto region and the rules will be explained during the events, from what we know you had a trainer we really want you to have participate.

It's a good thing Ash got rid of that inexplicable tracking device. It's done wonders hiding his location... why did he even need to hide away to begin with?

PS: If you are joining, I thank you in advance if you can bring Ghost along.

I assume Goodshow was worried the letter was too subtle, and thus had to explicitly spell out that he wanted Ghost Ash to participate... how does everyone know he changed his name? Why does the narrative keep calling him Ash, anyway?

-Ash argues with everyone about not wanting to go-

"Is it because your affiliation with Team Skull?" Lilie questioned.

"No, if you have read the news four years ago about the league results." Ash pointed to the news on Sophocles computer.

What the hell is a Sophocles computer and why is it showing news from four years ago? Also, was it four or six years ago this stuff happened, story? You can't seem to decide.

"We actually already knew." Kukui responded.
"Then why do you still want to send me? You know I'm just going to send them all to the hospital." Ash sneered.
"We believe you won't, now what do you say?" Kukui said with a smile as Ash sigh.

Calling it now, Kukui masterminded the whole betrayal. He's a dirty rat and I bet he uses Uber teams.

"Fine, I was hoping to go there myself anyways." Ash responded as he fell over to only be carried away by a Flygon who flew away.
"Please be there, Anabel." He thought.

"I don't wanna go. Okay fine, I wanted to go anyway."

Meanwhile inside a building, laid a lilac girl on her bed as he gazed at the ceiling above her head.
"Will you be there? Ash?" She thought.

D'aw, a romance between a... fourteen? Sixteen? Year old and... a lady about double his age. Let's hope he's the latter age at least.

-Anabel flashbacks to pining for Ash. As you do. I guess she went to visit his home on That Fateful Day-

The lilac haired girl knocked on the door before opening it, upon gazing inside she could see three familiar faces and several she didn't met before.
"Oh, hey there, Anabel." Brock greeted.
"Hello there, may I know where Ash is?" She questioned.

"While I'm asking questions, why is there, like, seventy people crammed into the house?"

The group looked at each other as May decided to come up with a lie.
"Oh, he left just a moment ago." May lied.

...Isn't that exactly what happened, though? May, do you even know how lies work?

"He said that something was after him so he left, he also left all of his Pokémon behind and Pikachu is he proof of that." Max added.
"And he said that the thing that was after him should arrive around this time." Brock finished.

What, was Pikachu going to weigh him down as he fled? You people are so bad at this.

-Anabel leaves in tears, ending the flashback-

(Current Day)
Anabel looked at the clouds as she begin to cry again, because the cloud she happen to stare at was Ash.

The... Ash-shaped clouds... on her ceiling...?

"Will you at the tournament?" She thought.
Unknowingly to both sides, Ash and Anabel were thinking of the same thing.
"I want to meet you again." They both thought.

So if I've got this right... the only way the author could justify an Ash/Anabel ship was to... turn everyone else that's ever been named in the show into evil, moustache-twirling shitheels? That's.. well I guess it's a tad more extreme than the usual "fuck the canon pairing here's my version" fanfic.

So that was hilariously silly, really. It feels like it's trying to be edgy and dark, yet absolutely nothing makes sense, from Pikachu thinking Ash 'cheated', to talking Weedles and calling himself Ghost except not really... wow.

Though if I may inject my own headcanon, that Weedle/Beedrill is totally the same one Ash failed to catch all those years ago. His (new) best buddy was setup from the very beginning!

If Soul Reapers Were Servants, Would They Automatically Be Sabers?

Come to think of it, I don't think I've read much, if any shipping fics. I have nothing profound to say about that, so let's check one out.

Today's selected subjected is Between Strawberries and Jealousy, by Strike Faster Than Starlight. I actually like that username. the story... not so much. It's a crossover of Bleach and Fate/! Shipping Ichigo with Scathach. That is... that's something.

She couldn't stand the way these girls were gazing at him.How they dare to stare at him in such way? Ichigo was hers, and now was the time to show it, not only to him, but to everyone else as well. AU! One Shot! Ichigo x Scathach!

And apparently a yandere. Sure, that... seems close to her personality? I guess. Maybe if you ignore literally everything about her lore in Fate, it kind of makes sense? Well, let's get started, then.

It's been already two years since they met. She still remembered when her family had to leave Ireland and go live in Japan because of her father's job. At that time,she was frustrated at the prospect of leaving her old life,everything she knew behind.

Akshooahlee, I think you'll find that, despite her legend originating in Ireland, Scathach herself is Scottish as fuck. This ultimately means nothing for a fanfiction where Scathach is now a schoolgirl living in Japan and has nothing to do with combat... despite crossing over with a shonen battle series... but hey, I'm here to nitpick.

This frustration just got worse in her first week in Karakura high. Since she couldn't speak japanese yet, nobody would approach her for a small talk,and besides that,she had to take the lessons in english with a particular teacher,making her stay separated from everyone else.

I have to wonder what kind of job her father was working that meant the whole family had to uproot to Japan. Feels a bit random.

On her second week, she was getting out of the school alone as usua,not giving any attention to her surroundings when she bumped into someone,making her bag fall and spread all of her books on the ground.

Well it's a pretty crappy bag if a slight bump is enough to have its strap (presumably) disintegrate into reishi and rip it open, isn't it?

-''AH'', She exclaimed. Looking athe the person who caused this

Which would be Scathach herself, given she was apparently stricken with blindness to make this happen.

she saw a guy with the boy's school uniform, He had short spiky orange hair and deep brown eyes, a firm scowl set on his handsome features. He was rather tall, standing at a good 5'11.

Is that tall? I don't consider myself tall, and I refuse to believe someone as lanky as Ichigo is the same height as me.

-''Look at what you made'',She shouted while kneeling on the floor to pick her books.

Calm down, Scath. No need to scream at the guy because you walked into his back.

The orange haired guy didn't say anything, he just kneeled and started to help her. After the two stood up, he extended his hand that was holding her book and she took it. There was an awkward moment where neither of them said nothing.

Ichigo is well known for being the silent type. He just never bothers to speak, you know. It's his defining trait.

-''I'm sorry'', The teen broke the silence,''I didn't mean do it''.

You didn't do anything, man!

-''It's okay, after all I wasn't paying any attention while walking'', She mumbled,then something clicked,''Wait you're speaking english'', She said in suprise. The teen just furrowed his brow.
-''Of course I am, in which way would I be able to speak with a foreign?'', He spoke in a matter of fact tone.

...Well, for all you know, she could've come from, say, Scandinavia. Maybe Portugal. 'Foreign' doesn't just extend to 'Someone from Ireland'.

Also, since when could Ichigo could English?

-''How do you know that I'm not japanese?'', She asked.
-''Heh I don't know maybe because you don't resemble in the slightest to a japanese girl

Says the Japanese boy with bright orange, spiky hair.

-They exchange names and greetings-

-''Scathach huh? That's a pretty nice name, is it in honor to the warrior goddess from the legends of the Ulster Cycle?'',He questioned with a smile.

Why the fuck would Ichigo know anything about the Ulster Cycle? Sure, he's surprisingly book smart for a shonen protag, but I highly doubt any Japanese high school has a course dedicated to Irish mythology.

-''Yes! My parents always loved her legend , so they named me in her honor!'' She exclaimed, excited that she found someone that knew at least a bit of Irish legends

And this just adds another layer of confusion. This crossover doesn't even really have Fate/Scathach in any form. This is just a random Irish girl, named after a famous figure in Irish mythology. Well... at least it technically excuses her characterisation?

It's a good thing her parents didn't go with Medb, though. Given Ichigo's inexplicable knowledge of Ireland, I'm sure he'd be guessing she was specifically born in Ballypitmave or something.

-And so, they hang out together, and Ichigo apparently waits eight months to introduce her to the rest of his friends. What a swell guy-

Ichigo then introduced her to his closest friends Chad,Uryu,Rukia,Tatsuki,Orihime,Keigo and Mizuiro.

I'll skip over the brief summary everyone listed there gets because boy is this massive paragraph just a giant wall of filler. Instead I'll just wonder is Soul Society, Hollows, or... anything that defines Bleach is even a thing here. Rukia's around as if she's always supposed to be there, so...

They were now all precious friends to her, specially Ichigo who was the one that made her life better.

Because who wants to bother writing about how they came to be her precious friends? This is all about an inexplicable pairing that have... had their interactions mentioned in passing for an eight-month period so far! Romantic!

Their bond just grew stronger over time, and as they were always close to eachother, their friends would tease them saying things like,''Kiss already you two'' or ''When is the marriage?''

Presumably once they hit Bond level 10. Only 80.000 more points to go!

after that, Ichigo would always chase them, screaming that they were just friends. In the beginning she would join him in the complains, saying that the feelings they shared were just a strong friendship, but now she couldn't say this because, since a few months to now, her feelings for the berry headed teen have changed.

Berry-headed? Sorry, this is too ambiguous for me. There's no possible way to know what type of berry his head could resemble. Is it blueberry?

When she was next to him she would always be nervous, and just the slightest of his touchs would make her heart flutter.

This is exactly how I imagine a powerful Scottish warrior to act around a man she likes. All it's missing is the flowery border.

At first she wouldn't admit it even to herself but now she accepted it, She accepted the fact that she Scathach was in love with Kurosaki Ichigo.

Well, er... congrats on coming to terms with this massive internal struggle... I think?

Some time ago, Ichigo announced that he was going to join the soccer team and that they would have a training match in a few weeks and invited her and all of their friends to watch it.

But I thought football was Karin's thing?!

And here they are now, sitting on the bleachers waiting for the match to begin. She was really excited to see Ichigo playing but soon, excitement gave place to annoyance when, a few seats from her, a group of girls spoke:

Maybe if you stop listening to stranger's conversations, you won't find reasons to be so annoyed, Scath?

-''I can't wait to see Kurosaki-senpai playing'', One of the girls said.
-'' Me neither! He is so hot! Kyaaa I hope that we can see him without the shirt in the match'', The other one spoke.
-''Yes! I would love to see that sculpted body of his hehehe'' A petite one said pervertdly.

Okay, so girls swooning over Ichigo and wanting to see him shirtless. Not exactly a terrible crime against humanity, as far as I know. Scathach should have a reasonable reaction to that, I'm sure.

Scathach was boiling with anger,''How dare they say things like that about MY Ichigo?'', Without even noticing, her face gained a Ichigo like scowl. Rukia, who was by her side, almost jumped of her seat when she saw her friends face.

Yep, exactly as I thought! ...Hm.. an Ichigo-like scowl...

How berry-headed

-''Uhmm, Scathach are you okay?'', She asked carefully.
-'' I'm great'', The crimson eyed girl practically growled, making Rukia a little afraid.

Only a little? With that face, I'd have already broken down crying.

-''Look the game will start!'', Orihime exclaimed, making them turn their attention to the match. 20 minutes later everyone was smiling and cheering for Ichigo, who was without a doubt the best player in the field.

This crushed not only the morale of the opposing team, but Ichigo's team mates as well. After all, everyone clearly could not give a shit about them in the shadow of the god-tier footballer, Ichigo.

After the end of the first part of the match, the players had gone to take a break,the day was incredible hot so Ichigo took of his shirt making Scathach blush at the sight of his toned body.

Only Ichigo was affected by the heat, strangely enough. Everyone else managed to remain cool.

...Would school football teams even be allowed to take off their shirts?

-One of the schoolgirls that's into Ichigo approaches him with some water-

-''A-Ano, Kurosaki-senpai would you like so-''

If I look in a mirror right now, I'm I gonna have a Ichigo-style scowl on my face?

-''Are you alright?'' Ichigo asked in concern.
-''Yes! Thank you Kurosaki-senpai!",The girl said, putting her hand on Ichigo's rock hard eight pack.

Ichigo then sternly told her off for the sexual harrassment. Haha, no, of course not. Scathach can just perfectly see everything that's going on and is super possessive.

''This bitch sure wants to lose her life'',This was all she could think, How can this girl dare to touch her strawberry?

Okay, who gave the Gae Bolg wielder a (silly) reason to murder?

-''Scathach, where are you going?'' Tatsuki asked.
-''I'm just going to take care of some urgent business'',She replied with an Unohana like smile

Is Soul Society a thing or not goddamnit

Walking towards Ichigo and the girl, she tapped his shoulder,gaining his attention. Turning his head, he smiled.
-''Oh hey Scathach, whats the matt-ufff'', Not even letting him finish his sentence, Scathach grabbed Ichigo by the hair and yanked him towards her, crashing their lips roughly.

...Er... reasonable reaction...?

Ichigo's mind blacked out as Scathach invaded his mouth with her tongue, kissing him hungrily and exploring every inch of his mouth.

...Right. Not gonna make any accusations here... just ponder this: How would this scene sound if it were Ichigo forcing the kiss?

-''I hope that you understand that you're mine Ichigo'', She spoke possessively and gave a hard squeeze on his ass, making the teenager jump.

Christ this fic sure jumped from 0 to 100 quicker than Scathach's NP gauge.

Turning her attention to the wide eyed girl she gave her a smirk before starting to go in back to her friends, who were beyond stunned.
-''And Ichigo'', She called, '' Finish this match fast, I really need to eat a certain strawberry tonight''. Smiling sensually at him, Scathach resumed her walk, leaving a jaw dropped Ichigo behind.

And with that terrifying threat to Ichigo's innocence and freedom, the fic comes to an end.

...So I'm going to go ahead an assume that that ending scene played out a lot more... romantically in the author's head. I think I can see what they were going for there, but... wow did that not convey properly.

Putting that aside, it was pretty... bland. Scathach and Ichigo bear basically no resemblance to their canon counterparts, it's incredibly unclear if this is a fully mundane AU (leaning towards yes?), making such a crossover pointless if it is... well, I guess the entire point was to ship Ichigo and Scathach, but... why? If you need to drastically alter literally everything about their characters, why aren't you just using OC's?

So that was that. Fairly short, unremarkable shipfic with rushed events. Guess I'll go back to neglecting my own Scathach in Grand Order, because Best Wife Tamamo needs her levels.

A Story Where We Capture The Self-Insert Card

Boy, has it been a while since I looked up Cardcaptor stuff. Or read the Clear Card manga. Actually, I haven't watched the original anime is a long time either. I really should get around to these things at some point. Before that though, fanfiction!

Today's story is The Tale Of The Two Cardcaptors, by Zachycards. I am sure the title makes it obvious what we will be seeing here.

This is a self insert story of mine that was deleted a few years back. But now I have decided to continue my work on it. This is a story of how I wished upon a star one night to become a CardCaptor just like Sakura. Please feel free to leave me a review. But remember that no flaming reviews are allowed at all, under any circumstances.

So we have... one sentence of the barest summary ever, and three sentences of ultimately meaningless fluff. Great start! Shitty reviewers won't be turned away by a request not to be shitty, sadly. All you can do there is ignore or delete as necessary.

It was just another gloomy day for me in New York City as I lay quietly in my bed. I was just about to close my eyes, when a shooting star shot across the sky,

It's a good thing you noticed that while in bed. Well, with the lack of information on where you are, for all I know your bed is a blanket on an open rooftop.

I then closed my eyes tight and said, "I wish I was the brother of Sakura Avalon and was granted the same powers as her when we found the clow book together."

Unfortunately, the shooting star was a sub elitist, and refused to acknowledge the existence of a Sakura Avalon.

When I woke up, I found myself in a very unfamiliar room, but for some reason, it looked very familiar to me.

I'm glad we established that the unfamiliar room was, in fact, familiar.

"W-where am I?" I said/asked to no one in particular as I sat up in the bed that I was sleeping in. What happened next was a shock to me, the alarm clock that rested in between the beds went off, and an all too familiar girl with short auburn hair and emerald colored eyes sprang up from under the covers. "HOEEEEEE! Were going to be late!" Sakura said.

And from this point on, there are zero questions from the currently-nameless protagonist about how he ended up in Sakura's room. Seriously, it moves on as if he were always there and the shooting star section was completely pointless. This is the very next sentence:

And with that, both me and Sakura got dressed into our school uniforms, and headed downstairs for breakfast.

Ah well, we can at least find out what unique interactions another sibling brings into the Kinomoto Avalon household!

"Sakura, Zachary, could you too be any louder?" Tori said in a sarcastic tone. "We weren't that loud" Sakura said to Tori. "You two sounded like small dinosaurs up there" Tori teased. "We were walking normally!" I said in response.

oh good the interactions are exactly the same no change whatsoever

"Hey, I'm lucky, how many brothers get two dinosaurs for a little brother and sister." Tori said. "STOP CALLING US DINOSAURS!" Sakura and I said/yelled in unison.

I get the feeling they're going to share dialogue a lot. A lot.

After Sakura and I had our breakfast and Tori left, we both strapped on our skates, put on our protective padding, and after I helped Sakura up, we made our way down the street to meet up with Tori and Julian. 

I wonder if super skating powers was included in the 'have the same powers' wish. Couldn't you have at least went with a skateboard? At this rate, you're just being a Sakura genderswap, Zachary.

-They go to school, which ends in the very next sentence-

After the school day ended, me and Sakura then headed back to our home. But, when we got home, we began to hear strange noises that seemed to be coming from the basement.

From here, the fanfic takes a shocking swerve into horror, and the most Evil Dead-ish of tales transpires.

-And so they decide to check it out-

A few seconds later, me and Sakura were down in the basement. Both of us had our batons clenched in our hands, and, it wasn't long until we came upon a row of bookshelves in the back.

...So wait, is Zachary a cheerleader, too? Why does he have a baton?

It was then that both of us jumped out hoping to see someone, but there was no one there.

You were hoping for a burglar?!

 But, as Sakura and I stayed close to one another while looking around, we heard a strange noise. Both of us then turned around and noticed that one of the books on the shelf was glowing. Without hesitating even once, both Sakura I reached for the glowing book and pulled it off the shelf.

You don't need to literally do the exact same things as each other. Like, wow, Zach's mimicking every single thing Sakura does, right down to her skating and cheerleading.

It was then that both Sakura and I dropped our batons and gazed at the book, the book was red and had what looked like a lion type creature on the front cover, chains were on either side of it, and a sun was in front. "That's the same book from my dream" Sakura and I said to ourselves.

WHEN DID YOU EVEN HAVE A DREAM, ZACH

Also, yet more copying. Is the plot twist that Zachary was ~The Mirror~ all along or something? Wait, no, that one already exists. Uh... The Shadow? ...Copycat? There we go. Was Zach ~The Copycat~ all along?

-The book opens-

Inside the weird book was a stack of cards, both Sakura and I picked up the top one, the cards name was in English. "The Windy" we both said in unison.

That must be some fucking heavy cardboard is that card requires two(?) ten-year olds to pick it up.

-One localised tornado and card-scattering later-

When the wind finally stopped, both Sakura and I dropped the strange book and sank to the floor. "What is this?" I asked while looking at the card.

Holy crap Zach said something by himself.

A moment later both Sakura and I were staring at a tiny, winged, teddy bear who was rising from the glowing book."Hey-hey-hoo!" It said, while hovering in midair and smiling, "Well, I'm surprised that you two were able to wake me up!""An Osaka accent…?" Sakura and I asked in unison.

Aw, well it was fun while it las- hey wait hold on, an Osakan accent? Are we following the dub or not?!

-I realise I seem to be skipping a lot, but so little content has actually been changed it seems redundant to bother showing the sentences. We skip to their bedroom, after the story itself skips informing Kero what happened to the cards. Skipception. Kero tells them both to help recollect the cards-

"B-but wasn't it your job to keep those cards properly sealed away in the first place?" I asked."Well…" Now Kero was embarrassed, "I accidentally fell asleep.""For how long?" Sakura asked."About thirty years." Kero said."And you call yourself the Beast of the Seal?" I asked.

By now, I'm sure you've surmised that Sakura and Zachary either talk in unison, or split Sakura's dialogue between the two. It makes for extremely riveting story-telling, I assure you.

Sakura and I then got up, and stood by our beds, which seemed to vanish as the magic circle from before formed on the floor under both of us. "Keys of the Seal." Kero intoned. Two small balls of light rose from the keyhole of the book and hovered in front of me and Sakura. "These two kids will carry out the sacred promise, there names are Sakura and Zachary. I command you to bestow them with you magical powers, RELEASE THE POWER!

It occurs to me that Zachary is very lucky that Cardcaptors is not a magical girl show with actual transformations. Though with how this has been written so far, I expect Tomoyo Madison to create the exact same dresses for both them them.

It was then that both of the two light balls expanded, as did the keys, each forming a baton like staff. I caught the blue colored one, while Sakura caught the pink colored one when we were told by Kero to grab them. "All right! It's the birth of two CardCaptors!" Kero cheered. As the circle faded and the room returned to normal, both Sakura and I examined our staffs and turned to Kero, expecting him to say something.
But instead, he was stuffing his face full of pudding.

Hahaha, oh Kero.

That's it for chapter 1. Might as well cover the next chapter so we can finish the first episode, I suppose? With any luck there'll be "original" content I can actually comment on.

It had only been a few minutes since Kero dubbed me and Sakura as "CardCaptors." And although Kero said that we were both the right people for the job, Sakura and I still felt a little dismissive.

Jeez you two could be a little more impressed that the Osakan-but-possibly-English-speaking plushie that lived in a magical book gave you both mystical staffs.

It was then that Sakura and I heard a loud noise that sounded like a bird screeching. Sakura and I then ran to the window, and upon looking out the window, we noticed a giant blue bird flying in the sky.

I love it when things are exactly what they say on the tin.

"What is that?" Sakura and I asked Kero as he approached the window. "It's a Clow Card" Kero said. Sakura and I gulped; we both knew then what we had to do.

Show that you're capable of acting independently from each other?

-They run out to combat The Fly-

 Sakura and I then reached down our shirts and pulled out our respective keys. "Oh key of clow, power of magic, power of light, surrender the wand, the force ignite, RELEASE! Sakura and I chanted in unison.

This story is going to kill the word 'unison' for me I swear to Clow.

"You distract the bird, and I seal it?" I asked. "Sounds like a plan to me" Sakura said in response while smiling.

Oh wow they're actually going to try and do different things? Of course Zach is the one that gets the glorious sealing role, but hell, it'll give me something to moan about!

It was then that Sakura approached the giant bird. But, while I wasn't looking, the bird spread its wings and took off into the sky, and, little did I know was that Sakura had jumped onto the bird and was taken along for the ride.

...Why were you not looking at the giant bird creature in the first place? Surely that thing requires your full attention?

-And so he uses Windy to bind the bird and Sakura falls to the ground-

It was when I was kneeling beside Sakura that she finally woke up, "uh…What happened?" Sakura asked. "You almost got hurt when I bound the Fly card with Windy, but thankfully I was able to catch you in time" I said. "Thank you Zachary" Sakura said as she smiled at me. "Your welcome" I said as I helped her up.

Thank you for recapping the last few paragraphs, Zach. Glad we have you to keep the events in order, we'd all be lost without ya.

It was then that we turned our attention back to the bound Fly card, and Kero then flew right beside us. "There is one thing that both of you must know before sealing the card, both of you will have to swing your staffs down in unison, or else the capture won't work." Kero said. "Right!" Sakura and I replied in unison.

Could have mentioned that wee tidbit five minutes ago, Kero. Seems like an incredibly important detail to hold back until after one of them almost cracked their skull against the pavement from a fifty-foot drop.

About a few seconds after that, nothing happened, but a few seconds later, one half of a card materialized on the tips of our staffs. The Fly card spirit was then split in half, and then one half of it went into both of our card halves.

The air was filled with the agonised, heart-rending screams of The Fly as it was violently torn in twain by the cardcaptors' cruel magic.

It was then that Kero landed in front of us and said, "both of you will need to write your names on the card so that it won't escape."And with that, Sakura and I wrote our names on the bottom of the Fly Card with Sakura's name below mine.

CAN'T HAVE THE SUPER AWESOME OC ANYWHERE BUT THE VERY TOP RIGHT

"Why don't the both of you try it out?" Kero asked after Sakura and I were both done writing our names on the card. "What can the card do?" Sakura asked.

Clue's in the name, Sakura. You're silly, not braindead.

"I think I got a pretty good idea" I said as I crouched down and picked up the Fly Card.

Oh but of course Zachary can figure what a card called The Fly can do. Such a genius.

Sakura and I then once again raised our staffs, swung both of them down at the same time, and tapped the Fly Card at the same time. "FLY!" Sakura and I yelled out in unison,

So, like... is the card still in two halves, or do you both just use the exact same card now...?

and after the one word was said, both of our staffs grew wings on the top. Sakura and I then got on our respective winged staffs, and then, after a few seconds, we took off into the sky. "This is awesome!" Sakura and I said in unison.

And stop speaking in unison goddamnit.

"I knew I could count on you two CardCaptor Sakura and Zachary" Kero said. "Hold on, we haven't agreed to anything yet" Sakura and I said in unison as all three of us flew across the sky.

GRRRAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Ahem. And with that, that's chapter two finished, and so am I.

Phew, that was... incredibly bland, to be honest. For the most part, it's a copy-paste of the dialogue, with the only changes being either "Self-insert speaks in unison with Sakura like they were creepy ghost twins" or "Zachary and Sakura swap lines that Sakura herself would have spoken herself anyway". Also, Zachary just... goes along with the 'sucked into Cardcaptors' thing ridiculously easily. Like, not even a passing thought like "what the fuck how", he's just instantly fitting in. Well, 'fitting in'. It made the intro with the shooting star extremely pointless if it plays into absolutely nothing.

According to a paragraph I skipped at the beginning of the story, this is a re-upload after some assholes humiliated the author. Obviously, that really sucks and shouldn't be done, regardless of the story's quality. Not to sound like some special exception or anything, but if all you can bring to a story is blind hatred... why should anyone give a shit about your opinion? Explain why a story doesn't work in detail, and how it could possibly be improved, and maybe the author can actually write something better?

Or, y'know, bash your keyboard in frothing rage, I'm sure that's fine. Us intellectuals like to provide some snark and sophistication to the proceedings, myes. *Swirls wineglass*