Card Gamer Lyrical Yugioh

You know, I've been wanting to poke a little fun at a Yugioh story for a while now. Because instead of finding one that's enjoyable to read, my time is apparently better spend finding something so bizarre and unwanted that I have to wonder who the people that leave one-line "reviews" are that seem to like them.

Today I came across a crossover fanfic! Between Yugioh and... uh... another Yugioh. Arc VX by RainfellSaturn crosses Yugioh GX with Yugioh Arc-V. That should be interesting, huh? GX's... kind of modern-ish setting mixed with Arc-V's slightly more futuristic setting, or perhaps it's replacing the Fusion Dimension with GX's academy?

Arc V /GX Crossover, Rather overpowered main pairing. Crossover with Lyrical Nanoha in as much as Fate Testarossa is the main female (no magical girl powers though) OC/Fate. Contains Arc V cards in the GX storyline, so the duels will be a little onesided in alot of cases. Rated T for Language, may increase later.

...Er. Right. A few questions then.

1. No actual plot summary, then?
2. 'overpowered main pairing', huh? At least it warns you out of the gate there'll be zero tension in the duels
3. Fate Testarossa? Er... I know this a crossover, but it's a crossover between two Yugioh series. Why is Fate randomly added in?
4. 'A little one-sided'? Hoo boy, if anyone is unfamiliar with the power gap between cards released over ten years ago with cards released within the last two or three...

I guess we should get started with the actual story, then? Hopefully there'll be a rough idea of what the plot'll be somewhere.

Ah, Kaibacorp Tower, holding the Duel Academy entrance exam here as a show as to who owns the Academy of course, Seto Kaiba, its owner.

Well that was delightfully redundant. The owner is Seto Kaiba, who is the owner.

The Guards recognize me as I turn up for the exam, held in a private room so as to avoid outside distraction. Not that I'm wearing your typical exam taker's clothes, nor am I your typical exam taker, but we'll get to that.

What even are 'typical exam-taker clothes'? Or a 'typical exam-taker', for that matter? In fact, what's an 'exam-taker'? Is it someone with a hankering for exams that just wanders into schools and takes whatever tests are being held that day?

My black and spiky hair, with purple tones, oddly, completely natural, never dyed it once. People sometimes say I dress like a punk, the fact that I wear a choker, a Pendulum pendant that I received when I was little, and goggles as common accessories doesn't exactly disparage such thoughts.

Haha, natural. Get it? Because Yugioh protagonists often have seven different colours in their hair at any given time! Yet he sounds like he's the second-most normal-sounding person after Jaden with hair like that. Just black and purple? Come on, now.

Meanwhile, a choker, pendulum pendant and goggles? Hm... where have I heard that before...

Just can't think of anything...
(thank you, Yugioh wiki)

The fact that I wear a dull green formal shirt with a dark blue tie, dark blue pants (trousers, for the British among you) and black boot like shoes, as well as a cape (well, capes are awesome, who doesn't like capes). Well, enough self reflection, lets look at the exam

...What about the fact? I think you lost your train of thought there.

Name - Kamito Kaiba (request for private marking to avoid bias due to name)

Fair enough. I too would take points off a student if his name was Kamito.

-From here we establish he can answer hilariously easy questions about summon conditions and ATK points. And that he can super easily do those 'win in one turn' puzzles you don't bother with on YGO Pro-

CONGRATULATIONS KAMITO KAIBA – SCORE 105% wait, I scored OVER 100%, odd
5% BONUS ADDED FOR CLEARING ALL WIN IN THIS TURN SCENARIOS IN THE MINIMUM NUMBER OF MOVES

That's not how scoring works. Fifty points from Obelisk Blue.

Please Proceed across town to the KaibaCorp duelling field for the practical half of your exam

Not that I wouldn't put it past Kaiba to be a big enough dick to make people travel from one end of a city to the other for no readily-apparent reason, but... why though? It's not like anyone else had to come to this tower, and I highly doubt this protagonist needed the extra assurance, considering the 'overpowered' warning.

Wait, people have got 100% before and it only predicts Ra, guess it must be the extra 5%.

So if you're literally perfect, you'e considered middle of the road in terms of skill. I have no idea how the original GX sorted out its' students, but surely it wasn't this inexplicable?

-He makes his way to the duel site, stopping for a Domino's Pizza because I guess they were really desperate for the ad revenue-

Some kid named Syrus just beat an Examiner with a Roid deck, I bristle at that, the only real Roids belong to Fate dammit!

Yeah, if there's an archetype that fits a magical girl known for her tragic backstory, loving nature, and combat capabilities second only to her girlfriend... it's the one with faces slapped on random vehicles. I'm sure she called dibs.

I feel angry all of a sudden, being reminded of Fate being missing

Uh, wait, what? That came out of nowhere. Probably because there wasn't a plot summary for whatever the hell is going on.

and then someone using a Roid deck, Speedroids are the only real Roids, as proved by the fact that the kid almost lost to a test proctor not even using a real deck.

Gee, it's almost like Syrus is using a, what, fifteen year-old deck or something! Crazy, innit?

Ah, I guess this means I was wrong, then. Fate isn't using the funny-face vehicle archetype, she's using the... one with all the spinning tops and... dice? Sure, that fits so much better?

Who's next on the watch list, slightly smug looking kid, looks like the type who would rather cuddle a calculator than a studded animal

...Okay, I like that line. You get one point, story.

Set card and Vorse Raider vs Gear Golem the Moving Fortress and Big shield Gardna eh, are the test decks really that weak, not even sticking to a specific archetype., I hope I get to face a real persons deck, or I'll be bored.

Complains about lack of archetypes in use.

Sets fanfic in a setting where archetypes were invented five minutes ago and barely worked as a deck if you were lucky.

I'll note that he's given the monster Big Shield Gardna it's real-life effect, as opposed to it being a normal monster that just has 2600 DEF and can be summoned for free. Mostly because the author seems to pick and choose which version of a card he likes more later on.

"Well applicant , you have 2 options, surrender or lose , facing down 2 monsters with more to come, what can you possibly do" Not be playing a weak test deck to the point that boring intimidation is the only method you have?

Man, the main character is such a badass, operating under 2017 Yugioh power levels, in a setting created around 2002, based on a game that goes through monumental power creep every six months. I can tell he has a complex knowledge of the game.

Bastian, ever the stalwart defender yells " I CHOOSE OPTION 3 , NONE OF THE ABOVE!"

Meanwhile, I haven't watched GX in years, but if the sheer number of fanfics that just copy/paste the first episode's script is any indication, Bastion should be rejecting choices A, B and C for D. And not quite in such a hot-blooded tone.

"I Activate my Face down, Ring of Destruction, targeting my own Vorse Raider " Coincidence that 1900 attack vs 1900 LP left examiner, I think not, Terminal planner this one.

"Oh look, I just so happened to lower my opponent's LP to 1900, and I just happened to draw Vorse Raider. I totally planned for this exact scenario to happen right now."

"You planned that duel down to the move didn't you, would be too coincidental otherwise to have a Ring of destruction ready with a 1900 attack monster and your opponent having 1900 LP left"
Bastian looks shocked , but just for a second 

See, even Bastion thinks it's ludicrous to assume his only win condition is "draw a specific vanilla monster, plus a trap card".

"They are, from what I can tell, It's to weed out the weak, without risking the stronger people losing due to bricking, or something"

...Okay, so... these proctors have been using weak decks against the students, so that the 'good' students don't lose because they drew the wrong card? That's... wha?

I guess this is why the anime never addresses bad draws outside of Joey or the one-off "I don't like duelling any more and this somehow ruins my consistency' episode. If this is the kind of reasoning they would come up with otherwise...

Bastian smiles and says "I got 100%, not a single question wrong" Puhlease, not like it was hard.
"I got 105%, got the 5% bonus for playing all of the WIN THIS TURN challenges perfectly without any wasted moves" Bastian looks shocked

I would be too, if I found out the scoring system is bullshit.

"You're that good? Have you duelled yet? "
Not that anyone can tell, but I roll my eyes under my goggles

...Why are you even wearing them? Do you like being laughed at?

-Meanwhile, at the proctors'... meeting place? I guess they mean the front row of the stands-

A Strange cross dresser appears to be looking through the list of applicants "Last name redacted, does this slacker think himself so important that his last name is hidden from the proctors, well, I'll show him, I'll duel him myself"

Well that's a ridiculously contrived way to have Super Ultra Cool Protagonist duel Crowler. I know he's a pompous ass, but not even he would associate 'name withheld' for 'LOL LAZINESS BETTER GO BULLY HIM'.

Also... cross-dresser? Uh... sure, his design is a bit strange, and the dub pokes fun at it, but... he's not wearing a frilly dress or anything. It's a fancy jacket. With a duel disk glued onto it. ...And sometimes has frills.

-Declaring his intent to use his own deck, we switch back to Kamito-

Wonder what's taking them so long
Kamito – name hidden for privacy reasons Report to duelling field four for your test duel

Well you didn't hide the silly first name, so the point is moot. On top of that, declaring to everyone present that he's hiding his name just sort of makes him a target, you know?

I arrive at duelling field four to find …. a Cross dresser? Standing in the opponents space on the field. This school has Cross-dressing proctors? Odd.

You seem oddly fixated on the non-existent cross-dressing going on, dude.

"As if a weak slacker stands a chance against me, I have a PHD in duelling, there's no way you'll get past me, and there's no way you'll get into the academy" At that last bit, I get angry again, I WILL get into the academy, if I have to destroy this idiot to do it.

And boy does he get angry easily. Wonder when he'll hulk out at the slightest provocation.

I feel rage in my soul, the thought of not being able to save Fate, NOTHING WILL STOP ME FROM DOING THAT.

Oh, the next sentence. Seriously, one weak taunt and you immediately jump to "RAGE IN MY SOUL"?

My eyes, under the goggles are glowing dark purple, an air of anger to my duelling, Berserk mode, albeit a minor case of it.

His Mad Enhancement rank is E, so he gets to stay sane while being super angry. At least this is a totally unique trait to the protagonist, and not another detail lifted from Yuya, right? Wouldn't it just be silly if Yuya also went 'berserk' sometimes and the author just lifted that wholesale, too?

Seriously this is literally Yuya with Yuto's colour scheme how lazy can you get.

"BRING IT ON!" I roar, darkly, causing everyone to gasp.

Literally everyone.

"Well Slacker, how about we decide who takes the first move" Crowler said. With a faint scoff, I , the yet to be unmasked Kamito

WHEN WAS HE MASKED TO BEGIN WITH?!

So not only is he wearing goggles, but underneath those, he's got a mask on too? Is it a Kabuki mask? A Kaibaman mask? Revolver mask? Help me out here, I need to know exactly how silly he looks right now.

son of Seto Kaiba decided on the sarcastic response "Ladies first, I insist" I let out, bored with having to listen to the fools blustering.
"LADY, I AM A MALE PROFFESSOR WITH A PHD IN DUELLING" Crowler snarled, clearly having woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning, or PMS, its hard to tell with these cross dressers.

More and more, I am convinced the author would be a pleasant person to talk to in real life.

"I draw!" Ending his draw phase, switching to standby and with no effects to happen switching straight to his main phase.

Congratulations, you know happens at the start of every turn. 

-To summarise Crowler's turn, he does exactly what he does in the show, and summons his Antique Gear Golem by using up his whole hand-

"I end my turn, see if you can match that Slacker" Why does the cross dresser expect me to match that, it was an awful play, he left himself wide open, no facedowns, no protective effects, might have been a good play going second, but going first, its just plain awful

I'm sure even from a meta standpoint back in the early 2000's, it was a bad move, but hey, 3000 ATK is 3000 ATK. Didn't draw your Raigeki? Sucks to be you for the next few turns. But hey, let's see what happens when you use a modern deck from a time when you can summon sixty monsters and search out all of your power plays.

"I draw." I say, emotionlessly. Cards in my hand are rather interesting, only need 2 of them to win though.

An emotionless berserker. Whatever you say, Hardcore Awesome Protagonist.

-Kamito reveals his deck to be Entermates Performapals, a Pendulum based deck that's filled with weak monsters that buff each... and was one half of one of the most broken decks in the games' history because it has some of the strongest deck-searching power in the game. Figures. He summons two monsters-

In the crowd, amid the fools that underestimate cards purely based on stats (oddly wearing blue jackets, I thought they were supposed to be the good ones) A boy with brown hair voices his assumption that I'm going to fuse to get over these weak machines, not a bad assumption mind you, but incorrect of course.

Of course. Meanwhile, Kamito exhibits his super-hearing powers. That must come in real handy.

A blonde girl and a man with oddly natural looking blue hair (stranger things have happened) seem to know what I have planned

You can tell that two strangers, who have never seen Performapals before, know exactly what you're going to do next?

likely the blue haired student is a 3rd year, and met Fate whilst she was here before she disappeared and is expecting something similar, and blonde girl seems to be similar to me, hiding the pain of loss under a mask, though not as literal as mine.

...How do you know these things?!

"The pieces are in place, and one of my decks true evolution's will manifest" I proclaim, angrily at the fools who think my deck weak.
"With the Level 4 Entermate Silver Claw and the Level 4 Entermate Helprincess I BUILD THE OVERLAY NETWORK"

Hm... two level 4 monsters... a Performapal deck... has stolen his entire character concept from Yuya and Yuto... gee I wonder what popular Rank 4 monster that was used a lot by the two aforementioned characters is going to appear here.

"Formed from pitch-black darkness, to fight those foolish enough to oppose it with its treacherous fangs! Now, descend! Xyz Summon! Appear! Rank 4! Dark Rebellion Xyz Dragon"

Damn it I thought it would be Utopia.

I suppose I should point out that he's decided to buff Dark Rebellion for some reason; instead of using both both Xyz materials for its' effect, it only needs one. Which means it can use it's fairly powerful effect twice. Because I guess consistent rules for what cards you're using is too hard when you could just cheat to make one-turn kills possible, huh?

-And so, using the effect twice, he is able to deal exactly 4000 damage to win-

The blonde girl at this point decides to add "No way, a one turn kill on one of Crowler's best cards, beating him like he was nothing, Zane this guy could be a match for you"
Zane , obviously the blue haired boys name replies "I doubt he's shown anywhere near what he's capable of yet Alexis , he hasn't even shown who he really is yet."

How to convince the reader that your super omega cool OC is awesome: Have one of the strongest duelists in the series prattle on about how he's totally not even close to showing off his final form or whatever.

The impact of the attack almost blowing Crowler into a nearby wall , whoops, forgot that tends to happen when I'm annoyed.

So basically every time you duel, since literally everything seems to annoy you somehow.

"Fate my lost love, I will find you, no matter what I have to do" I whisper to myself

Man, he is so pained and sad. I feel for him and his well-established relationship with the lesbian magical girl who is his girlfriend now.

And then the major surprise happens, a rather well known man, tall, dark hair, white duelling coat, obsession with Blue-Eyes White Dragon, yes, Seto Kaiba, walks out of the shadows.

Wherever those shadows were. He did a good job hiding from the several hundred people inside the arena by hiding his bright-white coat inside a slightly-dark corner.

"A rather easy duel for you eh Kamito, not that anyone other than Fate has ever beat you , not even me" Kaiba intones, amused and rather casual, as he always is unless Yugi or someone else made him mad.

Because if Kaiba is known for anything, it's that he is a graceful loser that in no way holds an obsessive grudge and would totally never go as far as resurrecting the dead if it means beating someone at a card game.

"You expected any less Dad? Guess you had me enter in disguise to see what peoples reaction would be to my deck"

Yeah, because that brilliant disguise did so much to make your deck stand out.

He then confirms exactly that "As much as , being the owner, I could just get you in, I wanted to see you crush the instructor and take the exam, to show them your own merits, of course, you'll be in Obelisk blue, though I will get them to allow you to wear your own clothes, light colours don't exactly suit you after all. Your boat has been sent ahead, will send supplies as you need, If anyone can find her, you can"

So despite having him qualify for the school like any other student, he's still getting preferential treatment because he's your son. Good job Kaiba.

Crowler recovers from his shock at this point "WAIT A SECOND, I JUST LOST TO SETO KAIBA'S SON, THAT IS FAR BETTER THAN LOSING TO A SLACKER AT LEAST"

THAT IS GOOD TO KNOW, ZOAH. NOW PLEASE QUIET DOWN.

I then walk away, head held high, face still not unmasked, wonder if people will assume I'm a Vampire or something.

They'll assume you like looking utterly ridiculous. The hell does a vampire have to do with a mask and goggles?

Good thing no one noticed that the attack on that Gear Golem was actually real, well, Dad noticed, but eh, he doesn't care.

So not even Crowler noticed that the massive, lightning-wielding dragon made of shadows and treason dealt physical damage to him? He's a pompous dick, not a brainless dumbass.

I wasn't the last duelist, apparently, a guy named Jaden Yooki? Yuki? Yuuki? Something like that has yet to duel,

So apparently the Perfectly Ultimate Great Protagonist can't figure out how to pronounce what has to be the most common Japanese name besides Sakura. Boy I sure do love reading about this guy.

and the guy before me, Bastian Misawa, he may have beat the test proctor, but his strategy seems weak, like he plans his duels with maths and science or something

Making the most optimal plays based on his knowledge of the opponent and his current resources is a bad way to play? Well, guessed I learned something today.

Well, lets watch this Jaden duel shall we. Haha, it seems Crowler is pissed that I beat him so easily and is taking it out on a relative unknown, well then, lets see what this little guy has.

He then proceeds to ignore the duel in order to converse with Zane and Alexis. I guess this means I'm spared of his witty commentary on 2002 duelling strategies and how it totally sucks.

Alexis speaks first "Great duel, I've never heard of XYZ summons before, but they're really powerful, could you give me a quick explanation on them please" 

Even though you apparently knew he was going to Xyz summon and win on his first turn five minutes ago. Eh, not like consistency is important.

-He then gives a nice little tutorial on Xyz monsters, probably to make his favourite GX characters look good by understanding how it works instantly-

"By the way, who was the noisy guy who was shouting about luck and how I would have never beat Doctor Crowler, and then immediately changed his mind on that when he realized I was a Kaiba"

Huh, Kamito's hearing is so amazing he can hear comments that weren't even written in the narrative.

Alexis decides to ask a personal question, one I was expecting but hoping they wouldn't ask "By the way, what's with the mask and goggles, it looks cool

No, no it does not. Author, stop trying to justify your silly design choices.

Fashion comments and girls, I swear Fate was the only one who didn't make them.

Dude I get it you love Fate so much you made one of the flagship yuri characters your male OC's girlfriend.

"The goggles are technological, multiple filters, in case I end up searching through the dark, and the mask is protective, though, I do mostly wear them because I'm not a happy person.

I suppose you would need to be to think wearing them at all times is a good idea.

2 years ago, I was too ill to go, but Fate, someone I care for more than my own existence went to the duel academy special seminar, and ever since that, she was missing. I intend to find her, and make whoever took her away from me pay dearly." Tears in my eyes at this point, not that they can see through the goggles

Goggles would do nothing to hide tears. They aren't shaded visors. You'd think he'd know that, given how often Yuya cried while wearing them.

Meanwhile, Fate went missing in that unexplained event from GX where a whole dorm of students went missing and were never really recovered. Well, aside from Alexis' brother, not that he offered any clues as to what the hell happened. Still want to know why the academy itself wasn't shut down for that kind of thing.

Alexis, slightly much shyer than myself or Zane

She what now.

asks "Hey, Zane's already my friend, would you like to be my friend as well Kamito" I smile, not that she can see it

Well maybe if you take off your dumbass mask.

"Sure Alexis, hey Zane, how about you?" Zane smiles fiercely

Because if there's one thing the stoic badass of the school is known for, it's his fierce smile.

Motioning toward the duel being prepared on the now slightly damaged (whoops) duelling field four

Seriously is no one going to question that a hologram smashed through concrete/marble/whatever the floor's made of here?

 I note "So, what do you think of the kid that's about to duel? I'd bet on him running some kind of warrior type deck, likely HERO based on his spiffy happy go lucky attitude"

Uh... how the hell can you tell exactly what his deck is based on his 'attitude'? I mean, yeah, Yugioh characters tend to be overtly themed to whatever their deck is, but Jaden isn't exactly running around with a cape and spandex suit, is he? He could be running Vanilla Beatdown for all the indication 'spiffy attitude' gives.

I neglect to mention that I can see his duel spirit partner, Winged Kuriboh?

Oh yes, of course he can see monster ghosts too. We can't have him being too underpowered, can we? And yes, the flying ball of fur that has nothing to do with Warriors or Heroes was clearly the indicator that Jaden used a HERO deck. I can see the link there.

I see he ran into Yugi on the way here

HOW. DO. YOU. KNOW. THAT.

-The duel between Jaden and Crowler only now just starts. That sure took a while. Guess I need to endure the lovely commentary after all. Since there's nothing of value to see here, I'll just skip over most of the duel. It plays out exactly like the show anyway-

I turn to Zane and sigh "Was at least expecting a Man-eater Bug or something, Guessing he plans to somehow get that Avian back and fuse it" Alexis and Zane look contemplative for a second and then nod, before Alexis replies "How is it you see through his strategy so easily when you aren't even the one duelling him"

>Bitches and moans about people not using an archetype

>Is disappointed that an archetype user is not using a card outside the archetype.

Can you please stick to a crappy character trait? It's be nice if your list of flaws wasn't constantly expanding.

Easy question this time "I just think what I'd do in that situation, likely he plans to use the HERO field Magic to get over Gear Golem

Also, good job predicting that the person who uses an archetype based on fusion summoning... is going to fusion summon. I can see why you're a genius.

"I end my turn " Crowler intones in a way only a half Italian cross dresser can.

I... just don't get this any more.

Alexis turns to me, chuckling "Crowler really took your lesson to heart, I doubt he knew what Winged Kuriboh actually did, but remembered what you said about not underestimating monsters and that unless its a normal monster, expect an effect"

Aw, how nice. Kamito is promoting character development. Now I see why his existence is justified.

Nevermind that we're now using an anime-version effect, since the real life Winged Kuriboh would've still had him take damage. Lol consistency.

-So Jaden wins the duel exactly as predicted, good for him. Alexis wants to know more about Kamito getting to live in a boat because Priviledge-

I ponder that for a second "Oh, that, Luxury Boat, high end kitchen, I like to cook for myself, also, high security, has its own Computer, my D-wheel, and well, I'm used to sleeping in it, sleeping in an unsecured dorm room in a place where people have disappeared, not exactly my idea of safe."

Firstly, ugh, D-Wheels.

Secondly... why is this guy the only person to question the security of a school that had an entire dorm go missing?!

I chuckle, usually its guys that are excited by that "Yeah, Fate and I are the ones who designed them, they have slots for your duel disk, so if you're bored, or an adrenaline junkie you can have duels at high speeds, or you can just use them as a cool looking motorcycle."

Because in a setting not designed to accommodate motorbikes going at 100mph while playing a card game, the best thing to add to it are motobikes that exist solely to play a card game at 100mph.

"Well, I'll see you guys at the Academy, hope to duel ya soon." Those two perked me up, gave me hope I haven't had for a while, maybe this place won't be so bad after all, as long as I don't say that out loud, Murphy and his laws have a lot to answer to after all.
Phase one complete. I will find you and I will save you Fate. I swear it.

And with that, this chapter finally comes to an end. Boy, was that needlessly lengthy. Must have been all that unnecessary retreading of the first episode, interspersed with the totally amazing commentary on outdated decks.

One last thing to note is that the author points out his OC is basically 'What if Yuto absorbed Yuya instead of the other way around'. Really not sure how that makes him suddenly want to wear a mask as well as a pair of goggles, but there you go.

I have to wonder though... what exactly is the point of this story? Pointing out that Arc-V era cards and strategies are superior to ones from 10-15 years ago? I mean... yeah, we kind of figured that. Remember when a level 4 monster with 2000 ATK needed a crippling drawback to be considered balanced? Remember when summoning two monsters in one turn was a bit of a challenge?

Meanwhile - and this is a personal gripe - I'm not too fond of the idea of making a lesbian character have a relationship with a guy. I know, I know, it's a fanfic, and a crossover at that with a non-existent Nanoha, but.. there's so little canonically gay characters as-is in media. Was it really so hard to just... I dunno, base an OC around Fate? The main character was already Literally Yuya/Yuto except with a random mask, appearance-wise.

But yeah, guess I'm done grumbling. If I stop being lazy in the future, maybe I'll complain about GX having this weird problem with everyone literally reposting the first episode, except with Jaden's twin sister also being around to beat Crowler immediately before/after him, and all dialogue being exactly the same.