Death Stats

Gotta say, I don't think I've ever seen a stat screen in a fanfiction before. A character profile to save on that pointless 'detail' thing, sure, but an actual stat screen? And it's not even for a game!

Today's subject is The New Found Queen, by rae-dall. In which some girl with a dark past pops up in Light's life, and they may or may not fall in love with each other. Suspenseful.

Well, let's take a peek then.

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Name: Yaku Yamio Ocanami ( short for Yakunitatanai {Useless in Japanese})

And already I'm terrified. I know Death Note has some pretty silly names, but... goddamn.

Looks: medium height, for a girl; deep black hair, bangs to one side of face, green eyes; pale face; a X burn scar on her face, normally hidden under bangs; unemotional stare

I love that :l is listed in her appearance. And that her appearance is listed in a single sentence so the author doesn't have to it later. And that she has a scar... uh... somewhere on her face in general.

Likes: all books, her ring (shinigami ring),school, criminal investigations/ tactics, coffee

...So what's a shinigami ring? Does it have Ryuuk's faced on it? And is criminal investigations and tactics just... interchangeable subjects now? Or does it mean she likes criminal tactics?

Dislikes: humans, boredom, talking in front of people, having attention drawn, stages

Only one of these makes any kind of sense. Maybe two if she already has a Kira-tier god complex, but... 'boredom'? Is that really something that needs to be specified for anyone? And 'having attention drawn'? What's wrong with stages, for that matter?

The story has not even begun and there's so much I don't understand.

Pet Peeve(s): hates people reading over shoulder

You know what? Fair enough.

Opinion of Kira: heavily supports

Oh good, I can hate her for moral reasons from the get-go!

Well, that was a fun bio. If this were a bio for a roleplay, I'm sure it would be approved instantly. But that's only the first part. Remember when I mentioned stat screens earlier? Well...

Intelligence: 10/10

Creativity: 8/10

Initiative:9/10, though sometimes is too lazy

Emotional Strength: 10/10

Social Skills: 6/10

Acting skills: 8/10

Self defense: 5/10

handling a weapon: 7/10

athleticism: 7/10

lying skills: 10/10

Yup. Do I even need to say anything? Go on, just try and decipher that.

Well, at least now we can get a start on this story. Helpfully labelled as "Past".

I born on January 14, the coldest day of the year. My mother died in childbirth, and my father didn't handle it well - actually, he didn't handle it at all. Before he could even fill out my papers, he jumped out of the building, off of the fourth story window. At least that's what they told me.

I bet it was even raining on that day, too. Also, holy freakin' shit. Rae wasn't kidding about the dark past.

I came to live with my mum's step-sister and her husband, along with their son. They treated me awfully, my aunt never liked my mother, and considered me trash off the street. In fact, they gave me a name, Yaku, short for Yakunitatanai, meaning Useless

"For eleven years, they confined me to the cupboard under the stairs".
How much further can we dip this happy little fic into over-the-top depression, then?

Only one thing hadn't changed. I was still bullied at school, mostly for how I didn't show emotion. Whenever I let someone in, or told something about me to someone, they would tell the bullies, and I would get picked on again.

...
"My aunt and uncle are child-abusing monsters, and I am apparently too afraid to tell the authorities."
"Oh dear. Here, let me get Utter Prick, I hear he's an excellent counsellor! Just beats the shit outta your life!"

Eventually the torture became unbearable, so when I was fifteen I went to the cops after a beating. I showed them the bruises and scrapes from when I was thrown against a wall. I showed them my blood from when I coughed it up. I showed them my ribs, and how my ankles were beaten so I could barely walk.

HOW THE FUCK DID NO ONE NOTICE THIS SHIT SOONER?!

They finally came to the house, and my 'parents' put on a show. They were nice, loving, caring people when others were around, as always. They came and hugged me, asking where I was, saying they had been so lonely. But even so, I saw a cold glint in their eyes, and knew after this was cleared up, I surely wouldn't be able to walk down to the station.

Not to say this kind of shit doesn't happen in real life, but... come the fuck on! How did they explain away all the injuries? There's only so much the stairs can do to someone.

They ended up saying something like, "Oh, she's just too clumsy, isn't she *giggle*" or "What on earth happened, Yaku?", and eventually the cops left, though I doubted that they had intended an arrest in the first place. You see, my aunt married well, they whole family was rich, except for me. This ensured they got away with almost anything, really anything but murder.

So... shitty family and corrupt policemen. I swear, if anything else gets included...

Soon I saved enough money to go to college, by balancing multiple part time jobs, as well as working extremely hard to win a full scholarship to Yo-oh university. However, when my 'family' found out, they laughed and made fun of me, saying it must've been a fake or something, that I was a worthless pile of shit.

I'm honestly surprised that's all they did. Or that it took them any longer than five minutes to find out she was missing her half-hourly beatings.

I was bound and gagged, and thrown into the basement. I coughed up some blood, and thought at least they would leave me here to tend to my wounds, but of course I was wrong. I heard laughter, and the door being opened. To my horror, in the woman's hands, were a iron rod, with a blazing orange tip.

...

...

...

Okay, I get it, her life sucks. Can you stop indulging in whatever the fuck fetish this is now?

 I tried to crawl away, but the husband and son grabbed my arms and held me in place, as the rod sizzled against my cheek. The smell of burning flesh rotted in the air as they branded me, with a X. Soon they got tired of their 'game', and left me to suffer. Oh, and how I suffered.

NO FUCKING SHIT. DID YOU KNOW THAT THEY KILLED YOUR PUPPY TOO

 My cheek was destroyed, body beaten, and ribs broken. I didn't cry out, though, because thats what they wanted. Instead, I took a deep, hard look at the rod they had left behind. Still hot.

Oh for fuck's sake. ...Well, if it gets used to murder them all, I suppose I won't shed a tear. But this has far surpassed the darkness in Death Note already. Might as well revel in the sheer hopelessness of everything.

-And so, she used the rod to cut herself free, black out and burn the house down-

Later that year, I had rented an apartment, and soon I began attending To-oh College, top of the class, of course.

Uh-huh. First: Why haven't the authorities found you? Even if the rest of your family has become black husks, there's still a suspiciously-absent body, and dental records would prove who that is very quickly. Not to mention you've enrolled at a university with no hint of an alias or anything. I doubt the scar will conceal your identity.

2: Of course. She has 10/10 INT, after all.

I started my college career looking to be a doctor, and found that this was well within my reach. Freshman year was better than expected, and I feel like my old family was nothing but a nightmare. But of course now, I've got no one. Who wants to talk to the girl who had both of her families die?

That's public knowledge? WHY ARE YOU NOT IN JAIL OR REHAB OR WHATEVER THE HELL.

Rumors spread, and I ended up being the center of the gossip world, even a year after I joined the school. New kids were told to stay away, and teachers never gave a second glance. But that was ok. I had my books and my thoughts, and besides, I don't like people anyway. Humans lie, and they cheat others. Even me. Especially me.

"Man, fuck humans. All humans. Why can't they be more like me?"

Blargh. That was honestly horrible. A fanfic that tries way too hard to be edgy, and their OC cool and sympathetic. Why don't people realise that piling horrific tragedy after tragedy doesn't make someone loveable?

Gotta say, though, I like one of the reviews left by, er, "Um". It's not one of mindless "luv this pls moar" or "lol tis sux noob", but an actual criticism meant for the author to better themselves. And they're just working with the stuff in the bio/stat screen. Wonder how they would have felt if they read past that, but it's always nice to see thought put into the reviews for a change.

Magical Girl Dancing Nanoha

Today's specimen, known as Love Triangle, by aurasakura, is another of those "AU and OOC for the hell of it" stories. Though it never went got beyond that one chapter, it's pretty much a set-up for a high school love story. In which love is displayed with vile hatred or something. So you can tell it's very Nanoha-like already. Time to get started I guess.

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"No! No! No! Otou-san!" screamed Nanoha.

"Don't let them write fanfiction about me, dad!"

She tried to turn away from the gruesome sight but was surrounded by her family. They were too covered by wounds and blood, trying to get hold of Nanoha.

"Why, Nanoha! Why didn't you save us!" groaned her family.

"It's not my fault," Nanoha squeaked out and started to run.

This is so blatantly Nanoha right now. So did Precia nuke their house or something?

-After she sinks into darkness and wakes up screaming-

Why! I had been having this dream since last month. And… it had been getting worse…

Riveting stuff.

-And now back to Normal's point of view, as aurasakura puts it-

Nanoha glanced at the clock and shrieked out, "Oh my god! I am going to be late again!"

She flew to the school with lightning speed. Just as she thought she ca reach school in time, a dark blue blur slammed into her.

Nanoha is well known for being late to everything. It's quite tragic that it caused her to be run over by a speeding blue car. Or Chrono.

"Itai!" Nanoha muttered while rubbing the bump on her head.

...Ouch.

She looked up to see who crashed into her and fell into the deep dark blue orbs of her enemy, Chrono Hallaoun.

No relation to Chrono Harlaown. Also, Chrono, an enemy of Nanoha? Is this a BetrayerS fic or something?

Haha, look at me, referencing things I haven't read.

Oblivious to the stare from Nanoha, Chrono shrieked out, "What the heck are you doing! Crashing into me with your big fat body!"

I can see a lot of maturity being present in this conversation.

Nanoha broke out from her trance and started to scold him back, "You perverted, idiotic, stupid, clumsy, fat, disgusting, gross, smelly, decomposing, pathetic excuse for a human being who could not even get an A for any test. And for your information, you were the one that crash into me.

...Jesus Christ, Nanoha, tone it down! Where the hell did that come from?! I was not aware your weight was a weak point.

Chrono tried to protest back but they heard a loud angry voice behind them, "Mr Hallaoun and Miss Takamachi, what are you two still doing here. The bell had already rung half an hour ago! Get back to the class now and detention for both of you!"

But two seconds ago, Nanoha was sure she'd make it in time. Actually, are they even at the school? How did so much time pass? Why is the principal clenching his fist in the next line?

-The two bicker like people that aren't Nanoha and Chrono on the way to class-

"Oh it seems that the late couple is finally here," mocked the teacher.

Nanoha and Chrono gave the teacher their most famous glare but it seems that they are not the only ones glaring at him. The boys who had a crush on Nanoha and the girls who had a crush on Chrono were too glaring at the teacher with hatred in their eyes.

1) The teacher appears to be a dick.

2) Implying that only heterosexual attractions exist in a fandom that revels in yuri? ...I will assume nothing offensive was meant, but it's kind of noticeable here.

-And then the class splits for P.E. class-

"Ok guys, we are going to play some basketball," Mr Himura said.

All the boys in the class moaned and groaned.

I'm a fat, lazy asshole and even I would laugh at their reaction. Basketball is frickin' awesome, ya lazy shits!

"Ok…if you every of you guys can score five hoops consecutively, you can watch the girls dance." Mr Himura said knowing that the boys would definitely fail. But to his utmost horror, every boy scored the five hoops consecutively. "Okay… you guys can go watch the girls.

...Someone mind doing a more thorough background check on this guy? Also, "they will definitely fail. Oh crap."

-Now to the girls-

"Okay girls we are going to continue dancing lessons for the upcoming competition. And remember girls, only the top three dancers can get to the competition. We will have a battle to decide the best. So everyone please do your best." Miss Mizuki said.

"Hai, Miss Mizuki!" the girls chorused, whispering among themselves about the competition.

Well, first off, yes.

Second, the girls get a competition, and the boy's get a teacher condoning what can be interpreted as perverted actions?

"Let's get warm up now, shall we? We begin by having a slow song so each and every of you try to create your style of dancing. Let us begin with Miss Tsukimura." Miss Mizuki called out.

Maybe it's because I've never taken any kind of dancing class in my life, but do they generally follow a "make shit up" module for dance?

The names were called one by one as the boys' eyes popped out watching the girls danced.

Hey, uh, Miss Mizuki? The boys are kind of not supposed to be there. Mind telling them off?

"Miss Takamachi, you are next," Miss Mizuki said.

"Hai!" Nanoha chirped out enthusiastically.

THE WORD IS YES GODDAMNIT

Following the beat of the song, she created the dance moves in her mind with a snap. She danced to the beat gracefully, each move with a meaning to it.

#trueart

-Suddenly Chrono's PoV-

Wow… she is good… like an angel… hey what am I thinking about.

Hell if I know. you're supposed to hate her, remember?

-le normal-

All the boys and girls clapped loudly, even Miss Mizuki was impressed with Nanoha. Nanoha blushed at all the attention given to her. Just when they want to bombard Nanoha with questions, the dismissal bell rang. Nanoha quickly escaped from the clutches of her friends and ran out of the school.

"Whew… if they find out how I can dance so well, I will not have a peaceful day in school." Nanoha said to herself.

What, did you meet a talking ferret that gave you a pretty stone that gives you magical dancing powers? ...Nah, too silly.

"What are you murmuring about?" Chrono asked curiously.

Nanoha jumped upon hearing her enemy's voice.

"Nothing," she replied defensively. Then sly thought crept into her mind. "So what do you think about my dance today?" She asked flirtatiously.

Hours ago, you verbally crapped all over him as if he were scum of the earth, and now you're acting all flirty? With the guy you just said was your enemy, like, one line ago?

-More PoV changing for one whole line-

Oh man…why does she have to be so sexy. I cannot let her see me blush. Come on Chrono, act normal.

Ooooh, dis gun b whacky!

"Your dance is like what a slut will do to seduce someone," Chrono spat out.

Smooth. also, very Chrono.

Tears started to form in Nanoha's eyes when she heard his rude remark. She slapped him hard and yelled out, "You insensitive jerk!" before running off.

Still less intense than that previous hazing, somehow.

And after that, Chrono feels bad and Nanoha cries herself to sleep. Also something something nightmares.

Well, that was... kinda stupid. As previously mentioned, Nanoha and Chrono were wildly out of character, it's a high-school AU for... no real reason, I guess, and the whole thing was just written oddly. Random Point-of-view changes that last one line, and the entire thing was bolded. I guess it saved me the trouble of doing do?

A Mystic Adventure In Canon Defilement

One thing I will never understand is alternate universe stories. Specifically, AU stories that go out of there way to change even the core concepts of the canon it's based on, eliminating the entire point of making it a fanfic and pretty much writing an original story. Except with an excuse to not describe appearances, I suppose.

Win My Love Back is a Cardcaptor Sakura fanfic written by the road to the stars, that manages to resemble the anime/manga about as much as Naruto resembles entertainment. A summary that basically paints Li as a cheating bastard can only end in good times, right?

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I yawned, tired from my work as a lawyer at Meiling's Law firm

Well, that didn't take long to establish several things wrong here.

Suddenly, my phone vibrated. I check my phone. It was a text from Syaoran, my boyfriend, asking me to go home early today. I grinned, hoping that he has a surprise for me. But when I got home, he had a surprise for me, a bad one.

And this is why you should read the fine print, kids.

"Syaoran, what's the meaning of this?" I asked, horrified. Much to my surprise, Syaoran wasn't home alone. Instead, there was a blond girl sitting n his lap. When I was walking through the door, I found her and Syaoran kissing, no, more like eating up each other. It was disgusting.

"Oh, uh, SURPRISE! I got a harem now!"

"Answer me! I asked you a question! What are you doing?" I yelled, frustrated that he was dodging the question. Syaoran raked one hand through his light brown hair and mumbled something I couldn't hear.
"What did you say? I couldn't hear you! Speak up, baka!" I knew that was the pint where his patience's has ended.

I don't know what I find more infuriating: Beating the hell out of my childhood, or random Japanese words in lieu of English equivalents. Was "idiot", "dumbass" or "Not-Li" really not powerful enough to get across the meaning?

"This is my ex girlfriend, Saya, okay! Are you happy now?" I was shocked, even more shocked when I walked through the doorway. I nodded then went to my room.

That's a damn calm reaction to seeing your boyfriend cheat right in your home.

When I was safely inside my territory, my own private space, I sat down on my bed, my vision getting blurry. Why the hell does he have to cheat on me? Just after he taught me how to trust and love again, he ruins it again. It was about a year ago, when he found me, shivering under a tree with nothing but a backpack with food, my identification, and some money.

...Not liking where this is going.

I had been abused back home by my drunk father ever since my mom died.

...

...

...

Nice to see a loving and kinf father randomly reduced to that.

When my brother Touya left for college, I was abused even more. I couldn't take it anymore. I ran away from home. When I ran away, I was still in my last year of high school.

Toya is quite well-known for abandoning Sakura. It's his defining character trait!

Syaoran to me back to his house near the city college. He was 19 at that time. I met his cousin, Meiling and best friend Eriol. They were nice to me immediately. Meiling lend me some clothes. I spent the rest of my senior year homeschooled; lucky acing all my classes, even advanced calculus which Syaoran forced me to take. Our friendship developed into something more.

Oh hey, Eriol. Mind telling Fujitaka to stop being an OOC shithead? Also, since when the hell was Sakura a super-genius?

-Sakura packs up and heads for Tomoyo's house-

 I arrived at Tomoyo's house 30 minutes later, only to find Meiling's and Eriol's car in the driveway. I groaned and park my car on the dirt road. As I took my bags from the trunk of the Mercedes Meiling gave me, a picture fell out.

Sure was nice of Meiling to give her a spare Mercedes she had lying around?

I picked it up, studying the picture. I gasped; it was a very old picture of Syaoran and Saya way before I met him. I struggled to not cry, because Tomoyo came rushing out of the front door, Meiling and Eriol trailing behind her.

Must've been an old one if a picture like that was sitting in her car this whole time. Unnoticed. Somehow.

-Sakura is taken inside, and suddenly unannounced PoV change-

I knew right away that Sakura would never leave Syaoran, nor would he let her leave. 

That makes him sound like a goddamn wife-beating bastard!

Meling demands to know what the hell's he's playing at...

"Well, she came running back to me, and you know that Saya was the love of my love right? So we got back together." I gasped, dropping the phone. How could he choose Saya over Sakura? We all knew that when he was with Saya, he was cold to use, and when he was with Sakura, he was a whole different person.

Putting aside my suspicions that this Saya person is probably a literal succubus or something... who the hell IS Saya, anyway? Considering she's the source of this stupid conflict, all we really know about her is that she's blonde. I think more details are required for us to get an idea of her character.

Well, we can assume she's knowingly splitting Li and Sakura apart, so add "evil" to the list, but still.

"I how could you do this to Sakura! I HATE YOU!" then I hung up, fuming mad.

She's so angry that she can no longer grammar!

-And then back to Sakura when Meiling rejoins the group I guess-

"I just finished work when I received a text from Syaoran. He wanted me to go home early, saying that he had a surprise for me. I went home, curious. But then I found him kissing his ex girlfriend, Saya. I-I thought that when we started dating, I changed him, but I was wrong when he yelled at me and didn't apologize. I knew at that moment that he didn't love, and never had."

So he's been a shitbag since the moment he saved you? Er... okay?

I was sobbing when I finished the story. While Tomoyo and Eriol comforted me, I noticed that Meiling had a look on her face, a look that clearly states that she has something to tell me. I thanked Tomoyo and Eriol and went to Meiling, asking her if I can speak to her outside privately. Meiling hesitated for a moment, but agreed.

Even when despairing in her grief, Sakura's clairvoyance is as strong as ever.

"Fine, I called Syaoran when you guys went inside and told me everything. He said that Saya was and still is the love of his life and not you. Surprised and mad at what he said, we now are not on speaking terms."
I felt like my inside was crumbling, the feeling was similar to the pain I had suffered living with my father, but inside, emotionally pain. Before I knew it, I fainted, falling onto the grass hill of Tomoyo's house.

Are you really surprised at this point? You mentioned that you already saw them kissing, Sakura. This is just like... no, wait, I already made fun of Naruto in this post. Damn it.

-Sakura wakes up in hospital, Doctor arrives to ask questions-

" Ms. Sakura, I'm afraid that you are pregnant. You also haven't been eating correctly, and sleeping patterns were bad. That is bad for the baby; I suggest you take some sick days from work and stay home. Come in for a checkup once a week and you can start working again when I say so."

Given how extremely poorly it's been established that the characters are now (highly OOC) adults, any random Cardcaptors fan coming across this paragraph is sure to scream in terror and burn down the internet.

I might still do that, if only because this pregnancy exists only for the drama.

Indeed, I was shocked, but Meiling was more shocked. When the doctor had left the room, Meiling rushed over to my side and with a worried look, said," Sakura! You have to get back with Syaoran! You're pregnant for god sake!"

SERIOUSLY?! Li's made it crystal clear that he's a raging prick. He's obviously not going to give a crap about Sakura's baby, if Sakura herself means jack shit to him! Aren't you a supportive friend, Meiling? Why don't you, I dunno, help Sakura out yourself, instead of defaulting to that ancient "pregnant women need men" mentality?

I gave her a sad, empty, lifeless smile and said," He doesn't love me."

This is exactly the sentence anyone would use to describe Sakura Kinimoto/Avalon/McGee/Fucking Anyone From The Series.

-Sakura decides to move into her own home about a week later-

I pushed open the door to my new home, inhaling the scent of cherry blossoms.

I don't know if this is some sort of stereotype of Japan or CLAMP themselves.

Quickly I placed the groceries that I bought on the way here in the working fridge that came with the apartment along with the washing and drying machine.

Nice to see details where it matters.

-And then Sakura got a surprise phone call from her brother-

"Sakura, are you okay?"
"I'm fine. Anyway, how did you get my number?" I asked, scared. He chuckled, bringing back memories, and said," I work for the CIA. I had to train secretly with no outside contact. When I finally finished, I track you down. So how is dad?"

...Since when did the CIA do anything like that? Also, you fled the goddamn country to get away from Not-Fujitaka? Seems a tad extreme. And you left Sakura behind with him because...?

" I-we- I'm not living with him anymore. I really miss you Touya, but it doesn't mean that I'm forgiving you. How about we meet at my friend, Koyoka's café on First street at 2:00 pm tomorrow?"

I feel like there's some contradictions here.

"Sure, but you have to tell me everything." I hung up, grinning from ear to ear, but then my happiness faded when I felt a kick in my stomach. Remembering that I had to tell him everything, my face fell. How was I going to him that I was pregnant with Syaoran's baby? I decided that I will tell him, no matter what happens.

...Sakura, how long have you been pregnant, exactly? No matter what answer I come up with, a ton of inconsistencies pop up.

I looked at the clock; 1:50, Oh shit, I was late!

Classic Sakura! Cursing and all. Also, wait, what? I didn't skip ahead!

 I grabbed my leather jacket that matched with my white Abercrombie and Fitch shirt and black jeans with boots.

Well, I guess she needs to wear more age-appropriate clothes now. Leather jackets and... American clothing in general seems like a natural progression.

Seriously, are they in Japan or America?

At 2:13, I ran into the shop, panting hard. Sitting down across from Touya, I smiled and asked him how was life.
"No, this time, I will be asking all the questions today. So, how did you manage to get the money to dress like this and drive a Mercedes?" I sighed, then started to tell him wat had happened starting at my last year of high school.

"Wow, this sounds like a bad fanfic." Toya commented with shock and horror.

And with that natural stopping point, this chapter is finally over. There's another one to go, but maybe I'll torture myself with it later. For now... grammar issues aside, this pretty clearly doesn't work as a Cardcaptors fanfic. No one resembles their canon portrayals in the least. The author can;t seem to decide which country this takes place in, and if it's America... well, there's plenty wrong with that. I'm not even sure it would work as an original story, but at least then it wouldn't be ignoring canon, which is clearly the worst sin one could ever commit.

Organisation Way More Than XIII

Coming up with a "Nobody Name" can be fun. Sticking an X in there to make it cooler (or if you already have an X in your name, put in a second one for super coolness!) and rearranging the letters is, like so great. Then you get a name like Rosalinda.

A Nobody's Journey, by ShadowHuntress98, is an AU story in which a girl joins the Organisation, and... drastically changes just about everything possible, somehow. Should be a fun read, huh? From what I can see, it's a part of her other two series, which presumably follow Rosalinda. Well, if nothing else, she's certainly into her series.

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I felt wind rushing past my face as I laid on the ground near a few bushes. I sat up and rubbed my head. I didn't know where I was or how I got here. I stood up and continued to rub the back of my head. My brown hair fell in front of my brown eyes as I looked at the ground.

"So young to lose." I heard a voice say. I turned to see a man with white hair in a long black trench coat. "You lost your heart. You are a Nobody now. I can make you a somebody."

I see Xemnas is still awesome at explaining stuff.

The name Rosalinda appeared in front of me. It went around my head a few times. the letters all spread apart and an X appeared. The letters rearranged themselves into the name Xarosalind.

Xemnas, you just stuck the last letter of her name in the front, then slapped an X there, too. You're getting lazy, man.

"Xarosalind." I said quietly.

"Welcome, Xarosalind, number VII, the Shadow Huntress."

"Because my first choice for No. VII is a bit of a dick, really."

-Suddenly nine year time skip-

Xarosalind and Axel have a meaningless conversation, in which Xarosalind heretically proclaims sea-salt ice-cream disgusting.

Axel smirked. "Come on. Superior and Saix are gonna have a fit if you don't turn in your completed mission."

Quite the natural way to refer to your boss, there.

I sighed, "Yeah, yeah, yeah." I waved my free hand a little and threw the sea-salt icecream away. "I've been doing stupid missions for them since I was 7."

I know Sai'x is a bit of a dick, but I sure hope he wasn't sending you to kill monsters at that age. "Xarosalind, your mission for today is buy some snacks. This is a direct order from our leader himself. Do not fail us."

-One throwaway sentence of reporting later-

 I then headed to my room, and flopped down on my bed in my dark room. 'What to do, what to do? I could always bother Zexion, but last time I did that I got attacked by books, so much for being a childhood friend since we joined the Organization. I could bother Demyx. He loves music, and I like a lot of bands he likes. If I really wanted too I could prank Axel again. Just grab some gunpowder and out it in his room. Last time I did that though Superior yelled at me. I ended up cleaning Axel's room after that.' I sighed again, but then I go hang out with Demyx.

That's a lot of natural exposition there. Childhood friends with Zexion, huh?

Why would someone starting Life That Never Was at this age and mentality be hanging out with a child?

...And what bands are there to even listen to? I doubt Sebastian's underwater group are widely known. Oh, maybe Nobuo Uematsu's Black Mages count as Final Fantasy characters!

"Again with the sitar?" I asked the dirty blond with a mullet as I sat on edge of his bed. "I always see you playing that thing."

"Well I need to practice, don't I?" He responded looking at me with his blue eyes.

Does he really play it that much? I guess he messes around with it sometimes in Days, but I never quite saw any clues pointing to "aspiring rock star". 

-Lots and lots of pointless dialogue pertaining to the location of music sheets later-

"Thanks, I'm not sure what should come after that part." He said and pointed at the current end of the song.

"You'll figure it out eventually. You always do." I said as I grabbed my sketchbook to try to draw him playing his sitar. I always drew pictures of the rest of the Organization members, and lots of times my random drawn pictures remind the others of a more gothic personality.

So basically a Darker and Edgier Namine?

"Watcha drawing?" Demyx asked me.

"You playing your sitar." I told him smiling. I never really talked about what I was drawing or any other of my hobbies, but Demyx was one of my best friend, so it was kind of hard not to tell him.

So Xarosa- screw it, Rosie - is the quiet type? ...Never would have noticed, given her apparent chattiness and tendency to screw around with people.

"It's better when you hear it. I don't think you can read music, can you?"

"I can, but not very well. I tried to play the flute, but Xemnas didn't really like hearing it." I laughed a little.

"Oh yeah, didn't he make you drop it when you were, what, twelve?"

"Yeah, but I still have it incase I wanna pick it up ever again."

Nomura left this little plot point in the series so it could make a return in the climax of Kingdom Hearts 4: Xehanort, Son of Xehanort.

...Also, the idea of Xemnas being kept awake at night by a flute is hilarious.

I smiled as he played. I loved hearing him play. I always wonder when someone is going to yell at him for playing it all day. "I like it" I said still smiling.

Good point, Rosie. If Xemnas hates your flute, why doesn't he tell Demyx to stop with the Sitar? Sure, it's his weapon, but I doubt his water-bending needs to be regulated by constant strumming. Oh, right, the song. Uh, sure, it was awesome, Dem. Hits ya right in the feels, doesn- oh, uh, sorry.

I nodded and went back to my sketch. "Hey Dem?"

"Yeah?"

"Why do you think a few Nobodies show actual emotions? Like you and I show actual emotions."

...Did Rosie play DDD during the time-skip, or did she just know otherwise for no reason?

"Do you think that's why I may have this?" I asked as a black rod with a steel chain going up the middle, ended with a steel accented tip and a rectangular victorian style edge appeared in my hand. The hilt had dragon wings coming off a purple diamond shaped gem and a cord wound grip.

I love how her Keyblade-Wielding status both comes out of nowhere, and is completely expected.

I sighed as it disappeared. "Why do I have a Keyblade though? None of the other Nobodies have."

"It's just like the time Maria-Susie from 123 Nowhere Street beat all the high scores and records of champions everywhere. She was strangely better and more important than everyone else."

"Do you see any other Nobodies running around with a sitar?"

"True, point taken." I said as I continued to draw the picture of Demyx. I sighed and got off the bed. "I'll be back in a little."

Well, when you out it like that, I suppose every weapon is unique and special in their own way, and each have the same importance and rules pertaining to the series mythos.

I used a portal and went to walk around Twilight Town. I walked passed the ice cream shop tempted to get more ice cream, but not sea-salt. I heard someone or something attacking something. My curiosity got the better of me, and I went to go investigate.

"Why I went to Twilight Town all of the sudden, I have no idea, but there seems to be plot happening, so goodie!"

A tall boy with spiky brown hair wearing a t-shirt, a pair of black jeans, and sneakers was fighting off a horde of Heartless with a weapon that looked like it was made of fire coming to a point on the end facing him.

...So... is it a fire-sword? A fire-spear? A fire-gatling gun?

I summoned my Keyblade and went and helped him out.

That was an intense fight scene. This is worthy of Sinister Sundown, all right.

When the Heartless were gone I looked at him. "You okay kid?" The kid actually looked like he was bout my age. His weapon disappeared in a burst of flames and he started to walk off.

Clearly having no interest in taking part in this story.

I ran after him. "Hey kid!" I shouted. "Wait up! I want you to meet someone. All you have to do is come with me." I grabbed his arm.

WE NEED AN ADULT OVER HERE, GUYS

He looked down at my hand and then up at me.

"Come on. Please." I begged and summoned a portal.

He stood there for a second and then started to walk toward the portal.

Doormat will do anything if it means touching a lady, I suppose?

I smiled and gently held his arm. "Don't get lost." We appeared back at the Organization outside of Xemnas' room. "Xemnas." I said as I knocked on his door a few times.

The Superior opened up the door. "Yes, Xarosalind. Who is that, behind you?"

I like to imagine Xemnas has a nightcap on in this scene. Nightcap of Non-Existence: +3 to No stats.

I shrugged. "I don't know, but he's acted like every Nobody that I've ever met, and I think he has a Keyblade like me!" I explained somewhat excited.

...Okay, two things:

1) Acting silent and unresponsive is every Nobody ever? ...I guess that could technically describe the mooks, but I'm pretty sure you're in an Organisation with members that are anything but.

2) WHEN THE CHRIST DID HE GET A KEYBLADE?! All we were told was that it was fire. With a point. Where did you get "blade in the shape of a key" from?

He turned to the boy. "May I see it?"

The boy's weapon appeared in his hand with another burst of flames.

"Interesting." Xemnas said. "I believe you're correct."

"I mean, sure, it looks nothing like a Keyblade at all, but if you squint and say it's a Keyblade, then it totally is."

I smiled. "So, I'm guessing he's useful then?"

"Quite useful." Xemnas smiled. "How did you come across this individual?"

"I was walking around and I heard him fighting Heartless, so I went to go and help him, and saw that he had what I thought was a Keyblade."

"That is literally the most contrived scenario I have ever heard of, and trust me, I know a lot about that."

"We must recruit him before anything happens to the lad." Xemnas said. "I shall have Saix take his measurements."

And so, with a Nobody constantly described as a young boy kidnapped and getting measured by a grown adult, we transition to two days later.

Everyone was in the throne room. We were all sitting on our thrones of various heights. Xemnas started to speak from his seat atop the highest throne. "Good tidings, friends.

At first, I tried to imagine Xemnas saying this. Now all I can hear is Xemnas' awesome voice saying this. Wonder if Paul St. Peter says this at all social gatherings.

I am pleased to announce that a new comrade has been chosen to wear the coat." Xemnas paused and the boy from a few days ago walked toward the center of the giant circular pedestal. "Number XIV. Let us all welcome one of the Keyblade's chosen, the Burning Sigil, Vexdain."

The end of DDD makes these additions to the cast hilarious. Also, I love two utterly random Keybladers have fallen into Xemnas' hands with no real effort on his part.

-One week later-

The Organization was sitting in the throne room again welcoming a new member named Roxas, Number XV, the Key of Destiny. When his hood was down we were able to see that he had blue eyes and spiked up bond hair. He looked so familiar, but I couldn't put my finger on it.

No. XIII is way cooler. :v

Also, let me guess, Rosalinda is Sora's best friend and that's why Rosie thinks she knows Roxas, right?

Like all Nobodies when they join he could not speak yet,

Um... no? Roxas was only like that because of special circumstances. No one else had this trouble.

but I knew he would be able to speak soon, because Vexdain was already trying to be his friend and help him talk.

I think you chose the wrong fire guy, there.

-Suddenly two weeks later-

"Vexdain, Roxas! Watch out!" I shouted at them as I slid down the wet hallway.

Vexdain pushed Roxas out of the way and I slid right into Vexdain causing him to fall on top of me.

"Hey Vexdain. I know she's about your age, but that doesn't mean you have to be on top of her to get her to like you more." Demyx said.

Oh, Demyx! Also, the hell's happening here?

"Shut the hell up." Vexdain said as he quickly got off of me and helped me up.
"What were you and Demyx doing?" Roxas asked looking at me.

"We made the hallway into a water slide!" I said excitedly. "You two have gotta try it!" I said and grabbed their arms.

I love that they reference this scene in the HD release. I was just runnin' round the castle, minding my own business, when Sora suddenly slips on the wet floor and careens into the abyss below. Slightly annoying.

"Get on your stomach and I'll pull you a few feet and then let ya go." I told him smiling.

Are you absolutely sure that's enough? I mean, there's a need for a "Wet Floor" sign, and then there's an ice-rink.

I grabbed his arms and pulled him down a few feet till Demyx told me to let go. Vexdain went flying down the hallway and was heading straight for Axel.

"Because Xaldin inexplicably fired a tornado down the hall, accelerating Vexdain enough to make this possible."

"Axel! Move!" Vexdain shouted as the two pyros collided with each other.

"Vexdain! Axel!" I shouted and slid to go check on them. I stopped about a foot away from them, but they both got splashed. "You guys okay?" I asked as I stood up offering to help both of them up by putting my arms out.

...How did you even splash them? How deep is the water? I mean... any higher than puddle-deep can't possibly make a hallway so damn slippery.

"I'm fine." Axel said and stood up only slipping a few times. "What were you guys and wannabe goth girl doing?" He asked.

"Wannabe goth girl?" I asked, but was probably ignored.

Axel, just admit it, you have no idea what's supposed to make her "goth". Especially when you realised that everyone wears the same black robe.

Axel sighed. "Don't let Superior or Saix catch you."

At this point, it wouldn't surprise me if they slid onto the scene, giggling like kids right now.

"Now you ready?" I asked Roxas.

"Yeah, let's go." He said and walked back up to the end of the hall.

"Don't slip!" I told him as he slipped. "Nevermind." I mumbled and used a portal for him to get to the end of the hall. I then used a portal for myself.

"Why didn't you do that in the first place?" Roxas asked me.

Gotta love this portal spamming going on, just to move a few feet. That ankle deep(?) water is impossible to keep your balance on.

I shrugged. "At least you didn't fall on ice."

"That would have made so little sense, man.

He laid on his stomach and I pulled him down till Demyx told me to let go. Somehow Roxas slid right by Vexdain.

"How did he manage that?" I asked Demyx.

What makes you think I've figured out the physics yet, Demyx?

"I don't know. I'm gonna go check on him." Demyx said and used a portal.

I then used a portal and stood next to Vexdain. "Any idea on how that happened?" I asked referring to Roxas sliding past him.

"I stayed as close to the wall as I could." He said.

"Ah." I said and nodded.

"But not really the answer I was looking for. You se- oh, nevermind, we did this joke like seven times now."

Roxas and Demyx walked back over to us a few seconds later. Roxas was soaking wet.

"So how was that?" I asked Roxas smiling.

"Fun, I guess." He told me. "I'm soaking wet though."

[Character] was [Description].

"I am [Description]" said [Character].

Demyx stood next to me and Vexdain used fire to dry Roxas off.

One cremation later, Xemnas was glad he lucked his way into having two spare Keyblade Wielders.

"So, Dem. Who's gonna clean this up? It was your idea." I asked.

"I'll take care of it." Demyx said and summoned some Dancer Nobodies. "Clean all of this water up." He told them.

Seriously, man? I know you're a bit on the "can't be arsed" side, but you control feckin' water. Drink it, absorb it, turn them into musical notes and threaten to kill everyone in twenty seconds, just... anything you do would be approximately twelve hours shorter than anything your back dancers could manage, surely?

I smirked. "Lazy?" I asked.

"You'd do the same thing." He said teasingly.

"No I wouldn't… Okay maybe I would." I chuckled.
"More like 'definitely would'." He said.

"Hey!" I somewhat shouted.

Everyone else just laughed.

-Cue 80's sitcom ending by Utada Hikaru-

Meanwhile, everyone 'excitedly' uses 'portals' to warp to the Dining Room That Wished To Be.

"Last one there has to help Vexen in the lab for a week!" I shouted and used a portal to leave.

Sad part is, she's actually serious about that.

"It's only been a week! Oh Vexen! I got someone to help you in the lab for a week." I told the light long haired blond

"Who is it?" Vexen asked me.

I pointed at Roxas as he walked into the dining room. "Roxas."

Vexen then proceeded to laugh his ass off and go back to listing Synthesis Materials required for evil clones.

I pointed at Roxas as he walked into the dining room. "Roxas."

Roxas mumbled something under his breath as he sat down.

"What's the matter Roxas?" I asked as Vexdain and I sat next to him.

"Both of you are assholes." He mumbled.

Hahaha, classic Roxas!

"Vexen! I'm gonna help you in the lab instead of Roxas."

"Just don't break anything." Vexen said.

You sure you want anyone near your lab? You don't have any volatile chemicals in there? Fragile items? Very Secret Things? Surely you should be a little less accommodating about this bet you had nothing to do with. Maybe say "lol Rank VII" or something?

And for the sake of padding, a list of items Rosie has broken is compiled on the spot.

"The window in the lobby, the lock on your door, Marluxia's red flowers-" The long light pink hair man cut him off.

"Poppies!" Marluxia corrected.

"Yeah, whatever." Vexdain continued. "Xemnas' lightsabers-" Vexdain was cut off again, this time by Xemnas.

"Ethereal Blades."

"I'm still calling them lightsabers." Vexdain said.

Vexdain, you ballsy little bugger. Also, can't possibly imagine how he would have knowledge of lightsabers in a universe compiled mostly of Disney.

"Sorry I'm late!" Xion said to Axel, Roxas, Vexdain, and me as she ran to the table and sat next to Axel. She tucked her short black hair behind her ears and looked up at us letting us see her blue eyes.

So not only Roxas, but Xion is also sociable as hell? This is, like, two weeks into Days, right? And I get the strange feeling that not everyone saw Xion as a Kairi palette Swap.

...Then again, this seems to be the Days version of another story of hers, so maybe Rosie has a reason? Ish?

-One overly cheerful dinner scene later. Also, I does the Org. even eat together? I can only ever see that as hilariously awkward-

I sat in my room reading another book that I 'borrowed' from Zexion. It was a Greek Mythology book.

"...I am never going anywhere near the Olympus Coliseum" Rosie shuddered, flipping past Zeus' biography."

The story then ends in a pointless skit of Rosie portaling Zexion's book back into his room while Zex searches Rosie's room for said book. Then she pulls out an iPod or something.

-------------------

Well, that was... something. Silliness aside, that was a pretty boring read. Way too much pointless fluff and dialogue that just seems to pad out scenes, and evidently what plot there is gets advanced through completely random exploration of random worlds.

Well, with three ongoings fanfics all tying together, I can only assume Huntress is having fun with this thing. And it has its fans, so there's that, I suppose.