Tuesday, 21 July 2015

Listen To My Original Story

Well this sure took a while to get a new post. Sorry to leave all six billion of y'all readers hanging.

So today's subject is The Keymaster Guardian, by bahamutOm234. A Final Fantasy X fanfic that sounds like a crossover with Kingdom Hearts (which would basically be... Kingdom Hearts). How does this humble little story sell itself to the audience?

I suck at summaries so this is basically a retelling of the game with my OC in place of Tidus. There will be spoilers so tough shit. No flaming as it will be ignored, but constructive criticism is accepted. T for cussing

FanficSins counted, like, six right there. Also, FanficSins should be a thing. ...Am I the FanficSins? Eh, questions for later, we got a story to listen to!

On the outskirts of an ancient city now in ruins three weapons are seen embedded in the ground: a key-shaped sword, a staff with intricate designs on the head, and a ball; nearby a group of seven are resting by a campfire in silence as the air seems stifled with a feeling of sadness, suddenly one of the group rises and rests his gloved hand on the shoulder of the brunette as if to provide comfort to her, the two share a glance before the hand was removed and the group member climbs the nearby hill to look out over the ruins.

I was going to say that this is an exact copy of FFX's beautiful intro, but then I realised it didn't have any key-shaped swords in it. Silly me.

Narration: Listen to my story, this…maybe our last chance.

And with that, we have what might as well be the script for the game. Just with more keys? Well, on to the next chapter, where I'm sure things will actually start to diverge.

A teenager is seen walking down the boat ramp to a light crowd of fans, one fan tells him that she had been a fan since the beginning he thanked that fan, he is then asked by one of the kids if they can have his autograph after he signs their blitzballs the kids ask in unison, "Teach us how to blitz!" Korogra knew they meant how to play Blitzball as opposed to a fighting tournament called "Blitz"

...Right, so.

1) Korogra?
2) Exact retread of the first two minutes of gameplay
3) Korogra?!
4) Why would you even get that mixed up? Blitzball is a giant thing in FFX. What the hell is a Blitz fighting tournament to this guy, anyway?
5) Fucking Korogra?!

Well, if you've played the game, you'll know about the whole "nah man you can't teach any kids tonight", and "I'll do a thing if I score, 'kay ladies?" bit, so let's move on...

Korogra then headed towards the stadium of Zanarkand for the game, on his way to the arena he crosses a road past a projection of his father, Jecht, an announcer then speaks saying, "I was in a coffee shop, running away from home when I heard the news.

...to the next copy-pasted bit of dialogue. So far, the only difference to the game is that, instead of Tidus, we have... Korogra.

Anyway… ten years later, the Jecht Memorial Cup tournament is today! The two teams that have won to the finals are…of course, the Claws from Jikkanu, and the Zanarkand Duggles from C-south.

...Really? Claws of Jikkanu? Why? Were the Zanarkand Abes too silly-sounding?

I know there's a lot of people out there today to see the star of the Claws in just one year, he's become the team's number one player! He's Jecht's blood, and the new hope of not only Blitzball, but Blitz as well! What kind of super play will show us today? Will we see his father's legendary shot? I don't think I'm the only one excited here, folks!" however he tunes the announcer out after a time.

...Wait, there really are separate sports with near-identical names? ...Why?! It could not have been hard to think of a slightly more creative name!
Also, good job, Korogra, tuning the guy out only after every single line spoken from the game was repeated.

As he approached the player entrance he was mobbed by fans as he was the ace player of the Jikkanu Claws making his way through he rested for a time before the game began, then the door slid open to reveal the field being constructed as the machines (machina) kept the water suspended in a perfect sphere,

Hey guys, guess what? Carbon copy of the game with no changes. Well, okay, he didn't quite right out Tidus Korogra pausing every couple of steps on the way to the stadium. Hurray for originality?

Well, since I'm nice, I'm just gonna leave here, instead of copy the badly-copied written version of this great scene:

when some odd bug shaped beasts appear from a beast that had landed on a building Auron hands Korogra a key-shaped blade with a mouse head shaped insignia as the chain and says, "A gift from Jecht." Korogra says in surprise, "My old man?" Auron says, "Let's see if you know how to use it."

So what you're saying is... Jecht had a spare Keyblade lying around and decided it would be a cool thing to give to his son. Okay, sure, a nice upgrade from a basic longsword. It;s just that, well... this isn't Kingdom Hearts. It's Final Fantasy. And what the flying hell would you need a Keyblade in this game for, anyway?

More importantly, why am I not just reading a fanfic about JEcht in Kingdom Hearts?

After destroying several of the "Sinscales" as they were called Auron shouted, "These ones don't matter, we cut through!" eventually Auron and Korogra made their way to the building that the "Sinspawn" crashed into during the battle Auron said, "Some can't wait to die!"

It's funny how much less badass Auron sounds in written format, and his dialogue isn't even vaguely altered.

however after a time Auron used his overdrive, Dragon Fang, to destroy several Sinscales but they kept advancing Auron then spotted an over turned generator and said to Korogra, "Over there, knock it down!"

...Um... okay, I guess game mechanics are narrative tools now? How did he even build up his OD meter before the boss fight, anyway? What a waste of potions. And time. And internet pages.

When the generator fell it exploded decimating the road Korogra was hanging on to the ledge struggling to climb up he then asked Auron to help him but Auron was seemingly speaking with Sin asking it, "You are sure?" he then lifts Korogra by the collar holding him up toward Sin and says, "This is your story… it begins now." Then Korogra is blinded by a flash of light

Oh, guess we're skipping the boss fight. Works for me, less butchering of the game, I suppose.

Korogra then is floating in what seems to be a void when he sees his father Jecht standing in front of the flaming emblem of the Zanarkand Abes when he approaches in Jecht's place Korogra saw his younger self.

Narration: I began to wonder… was I dead and what happened to those girls and the kids I talked to before Sin attacked? I began to feel light headed and then… sleepy.

Not sure why Tidus 2: Revenge of Tidus would focus specifically on those strangers, but hey, we need something to add originality to the scene, right?

Well, that was a chore. It's pretty much 99.9% of the game's content, with extremely minor (albeit baffling as hell) changes. What the hell even is Korogra, anyway? A "better" Tidus? I haven't seen any mention of dislike for him, and given that Korogra is exactly like Tidus anyway, I don't think it's supposed to be some stupid "I hate this person, let's replace him with some amazing OC of mine!" thing. Also, what does Korogra even look like?


Ahem. So, to summarise, this fic is basically a novelisation of the game. Except it does nothing to compensate for the change in medium. Do you like Final Fantasy X? Then you'll hate this fic for being about as well-written as the X-3 sequel novel.

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