Thursday, 23 July 2015

Final Fantasy VII: The Crisisening

Admit it, you have at least one story you love so much that you couldn't help but place yourself within that world. Befriending the main characters, beating the shit out of the villains, winning the affection of that one character you have a crush on... sigh, if only...

Oh, uh, anyway, yeah. Today's story is Final Fantasy VII the Rising crisis, by Strife VII. What if some guy named Tony was sucked into his game? How would this affect events? Why would your game suddenly suck you into its contents after many years of being perfectly normal? Why doesn't the manual cover this? Let's find out...

Tony got out of bed,did his normal morning routine,and put ffvii disc one into his PlayStation and loaded the game to the events of the forgotten city. Aeris was praying for 'holy' to stop meteor,cloud hopped over the pedestals to get to the altar.

I can see we're starting off at the heavy scene.

Tony looked down and sighed,for he knew what was to come. He got up and opened the disc drive,the disc began to glow mako green.

I was not aware "mako green" was an official shade. Also, no wonder its glowing, you just randomly opened the disc drive for no readily-apparent reason.

he materialized into the game and he noticed he was wearing new attire. He was wearing baggy dark blue pants,and a black T-shirt,his long black hair was also slicked back,and his glasses were thin framed and dark black.

"Unlike his official art, however, Tony's in-game model was a blocky monstrosity with jagged shoulders, and no definable features could be seen on his single-digit polygon outfit."

This guy's about as creative as me when it comes to fantasy clothing.

Cloud noticed Tony was close to aeris and tossed him the butterfly edge sword.

You've seen a complete stranger pop right the fuck out of nowhere, have no idea if he's an ally, or Sephiroth's BFF, and you just toss him a massive goddamn sword that, for all you know, is about twenty times over his maximum handling capacity?

Tony pushed Aeris out of the way,and cloud fought with sephiroth.

It's like he ripped the fight scene straight from Advent Children. And what's Cloud even fighting with now?

Sephiroth saw things were not going to end well and left. "Very well...the girl will live,but when I have the chance I will finish what I started."

Preeeeeeeeeeeeetty sure you can still roflstomp them at this point, man.

 Tony scheathed his sword,I'm Tony,and I'm not exactly fro-...from this area." Tony knew if he mentioned anything about them being a game it might fracture their consciousnesses.

Sheathed in what? That's Cloud sword, remember? Also, I'd laugh at the stupidity of everyone instantly believing him if he told them their world was a game... but Cloud is also pretty fucked in the head, so... good call, Tony?

Tony met eyes with tifa,she smiled and walked up to him. "Hey,I'm tifa...nice to meet you." Tony was sitting there beside himself.

He was? How? Tony, did you split yourself in half? ...Is one of the Tonys his imagination?

"uh-um I'm Tony...n-nice to meet you" tifa giggled and went on with the rest of the group

This was a good talk, Tifa.

"Tony is it?" Aeris asked shyly."yeah that's me"Tony answered. "Well thank you so much for saving my life back there,if you hadn't done that I may not have been here right now." 

What? Come on, Aerith, don't talk like that! As if anything would ever happen to you!

Tony looked down and became lost in thought, suddenly his ears started ringing and he put his hands on his head then fell to his knees."you imbicile! If you wouldn't have come from your world to ours I would have killed the ancient and gained access to the life stream!...well my goal seems larger now...kill then the ancient. Hmph in a way I thank you for your insolence... Heh, heh, heh, ha aha ha ha ha!"

So basically, Sephiroth is a moustache-twirling villain now. And his hate-boner for Tony equals the one Sephy has for Cloud, too. Oh, and I guess Tony's a Sephiroth clone. And people say the Compilation was bad...

"Tony...get ahold of yourself man!" Tony snapped out of it and stood up."its sephiroth! He's gonna do something horrible!"Cloud still couldn't believe what had just happened to Tony.

Give yourself longer than half a second for the surprise to wear off, then.

 Tifa ran up behind Tony and helped him over to the tiny bronco."Are you okay? That was kind of a big mess that you had back there." Tony regained consciousness and sat up

When did you lose consciousness?! This is still on the same line as that previous sentence! In the middle of this massive block of text! Why is Tifa now nursing you?

 Tony closed his eyes."sephiroth spoke to me...he plans on killing Cloud, me, and Aeris."

"The rest of you are cool, though. He wanted me to tell Barrett that he's a cool guy, specifically."

Cloud walked in the door,"hey Tony I see your awake...Man that was weird, anyway we're in Gongaga now and we're heading for the great glacier in the now we're all just gonna get some sleep and go on from there." Cloud closed the door and climbed into bed"Well goodnight..."

...Good to know, Cloud. See you.

(Will you look after Tony?) Cloud began dreaming."wh- who's there?!" (...) "Answer me!" (Tony will save you when you are in your deepest peril) "what's that supposed to mean?" (You know all you can know...look after Tony.) "Okay...I'll look after him."

Tony x Cloud has got nothing on Tony x Tifa and Tony x Aerith.

 "You were dreaming cloud" Tony laughed,"you kept saying my back at the alter...that was weird."

Nah, what's weird is the next two words immediately following that statement.

Cloud smiled

Fucked up, man.

"yeah it was...say, do you have any materia?" Tony Pat his pockets,"no...I guess not, could you lend me some?" Cloud pulled out a new born ice and cure materia and tossed them to Tony.

Cloud the baby-thrower confirmed.

 Cloud laughed

You're absolutely sure that was laughter?

Tifa came out of the restroom and began to get ready,cloud noticed that Tony's eyes were following her. "Hey Tony keep your eyes on your weapon or materia." Cloud smirked.

Mopey Cloud jokes aside, I seriously don't recall Cloud being this openly friendly with anyone in the first disc. I guess saving Aerith instantly cured his grouchiness. And mental instability.

Tony sat up and went for the door,"well I'm gonna go and get whatever info I can on sephiroth...I'll be right back."

Shouldn't you know everything you need to? I assume you've played this game more than once before.

Aeris was walking down the hallway when Tony stopped her to talk. "Hey Tony!" Aeris smiled. Tony smiled back and asked,"so how did you sleep?" Aeris looked down and sighed,"not well I was so worked up over what had happened."

I know how you feel. I'd be annoyed if one of gaming's most iconic and treasured moments was brutally shattered so callously.

-One extremely uneventful walk to Glacier Village later-

Tony slowly walked forward and pulled out his sword,then swung in at the ground."wh-what are you making me do!?" He screamed. Cloud sprinted to his side and took the sword from him."Tony snap out of it man! Drown sephiroth out! Drown him out!"


(I have come for you my leige) "what!?" Tony screamed. (The warping of your reality to ours...there is no age here and no aging is impossible... You can choose to stay here or leave to home...I warn you however, there is no return once the choice is made...) "

Yeah that's real interesting, but can you give Tony a second, Mysterious Voice? He's trying to deal with another voice in his head right now.

 "Ga ha ha ha aha ha ha ha aha ha ha!" Sephiroth laughed.

I  am paying George Newbern all the money in the world to voice this laugh.

"I know of your arrival tony, and I know of what you plan on doing...I will not let you of all people ruin my life's work! Now return to your feeble consciousness... " Tony awoke and jumped up."I want to stay!" He screamed. Cloud slowly tilted his head and said,"Tony snap the $#%&*# out of it!"

"Oh, what the actual @£&%!" Barret and Cid yelled in anger.

Also, Jesus Christ, Sephiroth, let it go. You can gut Aerith later.

(Is that your final decision?) Tony put his hands on his head,"krrgk!" (Remember once a decision is return is possible)

Tony struggled to decide if he should use a lifeline for this question.

Tifa ran to Tony and put his hand on her chest,"this may wake him up!"


Tony blinked " its sephiroth...he's tampering with my oh my God I'm touching your boob!"

One stupid crisis at a time, man.

Tifa looked at the ground,"well this is...awkward..."

Can't possibly imagine why!

Cloud slapped his hands on his sides,"tifa did that to wake you up,but lets focus on the main problem. Sephiroth is tampering with Tony's mind, but not just his...mine too." Tifa crossed her arms and looked down,"sephiroth."

That sounded like the world's most unimpressive plot twist.

So. I'm not the biggest FFVII fan out there, but I think there were... one or two slight mistakes in the characterisation of a couple of people.  Nothing too major, just, y'know, might wanna hammer those problems out with a mallet or something.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to finish that fanfic of mine where Zack's biggest fanboy, Sean (who Hojo fused with Materia to create the Hell -aga series of spells, of course), joins the group to kill Sephiroth, as revenge for murdering his hero and ruining his life in some dramatic way. 'til next time.

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