Wednesday, 17 December 2014

A Mystic Adventure In Canon Defilement

One thing I will never understand is alternate universe stories. Specifically, AU stories that go out of there way to change even the core concepts of the canon it's based on, eliminating the entire point of making it a fanfic and pretty much writing an original story. Except with an excuse to not describe appearances, I suppose.

Win My Love Back is a Cardcaptor Sakura fanfic written by the road to the stars, that manages to resemble the anime/manga about as much as Naruto resembles entertainment. A summary that basically paints Li as a cheating bastard can only end in good times, right?


I yawned, tired from my work as a lawyer at Meiling's Law firm

Well, that didn't take long to establish several things wrong here.

Suddenly, my phone vibrated. I check my phone. It was a text from Syaoran, my boyfriend, asking me to go home early today. I grinned, hoping that he has a surprise for me. But when I got home, he had a surprise for me, a bad one.

And this is why you should read the fine print, kids.

"Syaoran, what's the meaning of this?" I asked, horrified. Much to my surprise, Syaoran wasn't home alone. Instead, there was a blond girl sitting n his lap. When I was walking through the door, I found her and Syaoran kissing, no, more like eating up each other. It was disgusting.

"Oh, uh, SURPRISE! I got a harem now!"

"Answer me! I asked you a question! What are you doing?" I yelled, frustrated that he was dodging the question. Syaoran raked one hand through his light brown hair and mumbled something I couldn't hear.
"What did you say? I couldn't hear you! Speak up, baka!" I knew that was the pint where his patience's has ended.

I don't know what I find more infuriating: Beating the hell out of my childhood, or random Japanese words in lieu of English equivalents. Was "idiot", "dumbass" or "Not-Li" really not powerful enough to get across the meaning?

"This is my ex girlfriend, Saya, okay! Are you happy now?" I was shocked, even more shocked when I walked through the doorway. I nodded then went to my room.

That's a damn calm reaction to seeing your boyfriend cheat right in your home.

When I was safely inside my territory, my own private space, I sat down on my bed, my vision getting blurry. Why the hell does he have to cheat on me? Just after he taught me how to trust and love again, he ruins it again. It was about a year ago, when he found me, shivering under a tree with nothing but a backpack with food, my identification, and some money.

...Not liking where this is going.

I had been abused back home by my drunk father ever since my mom died.




Nice to see a loving and kinf father randomly reduced to that.

When my brother Touya left for college, I was abused even more. I couldn't take it anymore. I ran away from home. When I ran away, I was still in my last year of high school.

Toya is quite well-known for abandoning Sakura. It's his defining character trait!

Syaoran to me back to his house near the city college. He was 19 at that time. I met his cousin, Meiling and best friend Eriol. They were nice to me immediately. Meiling lend me some clothes. I spent the rest of my senior year homeschooled; lucky acing all my classes, even advanced calculus which Syaoran forced me to take. Our friendship developed into something more.

Oh hey, Eriol. Mind telling Fujitaka to stop being an OOC shithead? Also, since when the hell was Sakura a super-genius?

-Sakura packs up and heads for Tomoyo's house-

 I arrived at Tomoyo's house 30 minutes later, only to find Meiling's and Eriol's car in the driveway. I groaned and park my car on the dirt road. As I took my bags from the trunk of the Mercedes Meiling gave me, a picture fell out.

Sure was nice of Meiling to give her a spare Mercedes she had lying around?

I picked it up, studying the picture. I gasped; it was a very old picture of Syaoran and Saya way before I met him. I struggled to not cry, because Tomoyo came rushing out of the front door, Meiling and Eriol trailing behind her.

Must've been an old one if a picture like that was sitting in her car this whole time. Unnoticed. Somehow.

-Sakura is taken inside, and suddenly unannounced PoV change-

I knew right away that Sakura would never leave Syaoran, nor would he let her leave

That makes him sound like a goddamn wife-beating bastard!

Meling demands to know what the hell's he's playing at...

"Well, she came running back to me, and you know that Saya was the love of my love right? So we got back together." I gasped, dropping the phone. How could he choose Saya over Sakura? We all knew that when he was with Saya, he was cold to use, and when he was with Sakura, he was a whole different person.

Putting aside my suspicions that this Saya person is probably a literal succubus or something... who the hell IS Saya, anyway? Considering she's the source of this stupid conflict, all we really know about her is that she's blonde. I think more details are required for us to get an idea of her character.

Well, we can assume she's knowingly splitting Li and Sakura apart, so add "evil" to the list, but still.

"I how could you do this to Sakura! I HATE YOU!" then I hung up, fuming mad.

She's so angry that she can no longer grammar!

-And then back to Sakura when Meiling rejoins the group I guess-

"I just finished work when I received a text from Syaoran. He wanted me to go home early, saying that he had a surprise for me. I went home, curious. But then I found him kissing his ex girlfriend, Saya. I-I thought that when we started dating, I changed him, but I was wrong when he yelled at me and didn't apologize. I knew at that moment that he didn't love, and never had."

So he's been a shitbag since the moment he saved you? Er... okay?

I was sobbing when I finished the story. While Tomoyo and Eriol comforted me, I noticed that Meiling had a look on her face, a look that clearly states that she has something to tell me. I thanked Tomoyo and Eriol and went to Meiling, asking her if I can speak to her outside privately. Meiling hesitated for a moment, but agreed.

Even when despairing in her grief, Sakura's clairvoyance is as strong as ever.

"Fine, I called Syaoran when you guys went inside and told me everything. He said that Saya was and still is the love of his life and not you. Surprised and mad at what he said, we now are not on speaking terms."
I felt like my inside was crumbling, the feeling was similar to the pain I had suffered living with my father, but inside, emotionally pain. Before I knew it, I fainted, falling onto the grass hill of Tomoyo's house.

Are you really surprised at this point? You mentioned that you already saw them kissing, Sakura. This is just like... no, wait, I already made fun of Naruto in this post. Damn it.

-Sakura wakes up in hospital, Doctor arrives to ask questions-

" Ms. Sakura, I'm afraid that you are pregnant. You also haven't been eating correctly, and sleeping patterns were bad. That is bad for the baby; I suggest you take some sick days from work and stay home. Come in for a checkup once a week and you can start working again when I say so."

Given how extremely poorly it's been established that the characters are now (highly OOC) adults, any random Cardcaptors fan coming across this paragraph is sure to scream in terror and burn down the internet.

I might still do that, if only because this pregnancy exists only for the drama.

Indeed, I was shocked, but Meiling was more shocked. When the doctor had left the room, Meiling rushed over to my side and with a worried look, said," Sakura! You have to get back with Syaoran! You're pregnant for god sake!"

SERIOUSLY?! Li's made it crystal clear that he's a raging prick. He's obviously not going to give a crap about Sakura's baby, if Sakura herself means jack shit to him! Aren't you a supportive friend, Meiling? Why don't you, I dunno, help Sakura out yourself, instead of defaulting to that ancient "pregnant women need men" mentality?

I gave her a sad, empty, lifeless smile and said," He doesn't love me."

This is exactly the sentence anyone would use to describe Sakura Kinimoto/Avalon/McGee/Fucking Anyone From The Series.

-Sakura decides to move into her own home about a week later-

I pushed open the door to my new home, inhaling the scent of cherry blossoms.

I don't know if this is some sort of stereotype of Japan or CLAMP themselves.

Quickly I placed the groceries that I bought on the way here in the working fridge that came with the apartment along with the washing and drying machine.

Nice to see details where it matters.

-And then Sakura got a surprise phone call from her brother-

"Sakura, are you okay?"
"I'm fine. Anyway, how did you get my number?" I asked, scared. He chuckled, bringing back memories, and said," I work for the CIA. I had to train secretly with no outside contact. When I finally finished, I track you down. So how is dad?"

...Since when did the CIA do anything like that? Also, you fled the goddamn country to get away from Not-Fujitaka? Seems a tad extreme. And you left Sakura behind with him because...?

" I-we- I'm not living with him anymore. I really miss you Touya, but it doesn't mean that I'm forgiving you. How about we meet at my friend, Koyoka's café on First street at 2:00 pm tomorrow?"

I feel like there's some contradictions here.

"Sure, but you have to tell me everything." I hung up, grinning from ear to ear, but then my happiness faded when I felt a kick in my stomach. Remembering that I had to tell him everything, my face fell. How was I going to him that I was pregnant with Syaoran's baby? I decided that I will tell him, no matter what happens.

...Sakura, how long have you been pregnant, exactly? No matter what answer I come up with, a ton of inconsistencies pop up.

I looked at the clock; 1:50, Oh shit, I was late!

Classic Sakura! Cursing and all. Also, wait, what? I didn't skip ahead!

 I grabbed my leather jacket that matched with my white Abercrombie and Fitch shirt and black jeans with boots.

Well, I guess she needs to wear more age-appropriate clothes now. Leather jackets and... American clothing in general seems like a natural progression.

Seriously, are they in Japan or America?

At 2:13, I ran into the shop, panting hard. Sitting down across from Touya, I smiled and asked him how was life.
"No, this time, I will be asking all the questions today. So, how did you manage to get the money to dress like this and drive a Mercedes?" I sighed, then started to tell him wat had happened starting at my last year of high school.

"Wow, this sounds like a bad fanfic." Toya commented with shock and horror.

And with that natural stopping point, this chapter is finally over. There's another one to go, but maybe I'll torture myself with it later. For now... grammar issues aside, this pretty clearly doesn't work as a Cardcaptors fanfic. No one resembles their canon portrayals in the least. The author can;t seem to decide which country this takes place in, and if it's America... well, there's plenty wrong with that. I'm not even sure it would work as an original story, but at least then it wouldn't be ignoring canon, which is clearly the worst sin one could ever commit.

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