Sunday, 29 April 2018

A Story Where We Capture The Self-Insert Card

Boy, has it been a while since I looked up Cardcaptor stuff. Or read the Clear Card manga. Actually, I haven't watched the original anime is a long time either. I really should get around to these things at some point. Before that though, fanfiction!

Today's story is The Tale Of The Two Cardcaptors, by Zachycards. I am sure the title makes it obvious what we will be seeing here.

This is a self insert story of mine that was deleted a few years back. But now I have decided to continue my work on it. This is a story of how I wished upon a star one night to become a CardCaptor just like Sakura. Please feel free to leave me a review. But remember that no flaming reviews are allowed at all, under any circumstances.

So we have... one sentence of the barest summary ever, and three sentences of ultimately meaningless fluff. Great start! Shitty reviewers won't be turned away by a request not to be shitty, sadly. All you can do there is ignore or delete as necessary.


It was just another gloomy day for me in New York City as I lay quietly in my bed. I was just about to close my eyes, when a shooting star shot across the sky,

It's a good thing you noticed that while in bed. Well, with the lack of information on where you are, for all I know your bed is a blanket on an open rooftop.


I then closed my eyes tight and said, "I wish I was the brother of Sakura Avalon and was granted the same powers as her when we found the clow book together."

Unfortunately, the shooting star was a sub elitist, and refused to acknowledge the existence of a Sakura Avalon.


When I woke up, I found myself in a very unfamiliar room, but for some reason, it looked very familiar to me.

I'm glad we established that the unfamiliar room was, in fact, familiar.


"W-where am I?" I said/asked to no one in particular as I sat up in the bed that I was sleeping in. What happened next was a shock to me, the alarm clock that rested in between the beds went off, and an all too familiar girl with short auburn hair and emerald colored eyes sprang up from under the covers. "HOEEEEEE! Were going to be late!" Sakura said.

And from this point on, there are zero questions from the currently-nameless protagonist about how he ended up in Sakura's room. Seriously, it moves on as if he were always there and the shooting star section was completely pointless. This is the very next sentence:


And with that, both me and Sakura got dressed into our school uniforms, and headed downstairs for breakfast.

Ah well, we can at least find out what unique interactions another sibling brings into the Kinomoto Avalon household!


"Sakura, Zachary, could you too be any louder?" Tori said in a sarcastic tone. "We weren't that loud" Sakura said to Tori. "You two sounded like small dinosaurs up there" Tori teased. "We were walking normally!" I said in response.

oh good the interactions are exactly the same no change whatsoever


"Hey, I'm lucky, how many brothers get two dinosaurs for a little brother and sister." Tori said. "STOP CALLING US DINOSAURS!" Sakura and I said/yelled in unison.

I get the feeling they're going to share dialogue a lot. A lot.


After Sakura and I had our breakfast and Tori left, we both strapped on our skates, put on our protective padding, and after I helped Sakura up, we made our way down the street to meet up with Tori and Julian. 

I wonder if super skating powers was included in the 'have the same powers' wish. Couldn't you have at least went with a skateboard? At this rate, you're just being a Sakura genderswap, Zachary.

-They go to school, which ends in the very next sentence-


After the school day ended, me and Sakura then headed back to our home. But, when we got home, we began to hear strange noises that seemed to be coming from the basement.

From here, the fanfic takes a shocking swerve into horror, and the most Evil Dead-ish of tales transpires.

-And so they decide to check it out-


A few seconds later, me and Sakura were down in the basement. Both of us had our batons clenched in our hands, and, it wasn't long until we came upon a row of bookshelves in the back.

...So wait, is Zachary a cheerleader, too? Why does he have a baton?

It was then that both of us jumped out hoping to see someone, but there was no one there.

You were hoping for a burglar?!


 But, as Sakura and I stayed close to one another while looking around, we heard a strange noise. Both of us then turned around and noticed that one of the books on the shelf was glowing. Without hesitating even once, both Sakura I reached for the glowing book and pulled it off the shelf.

You don't need to literally do the exact same things as each other. Like, wow, Zach's mimicking every single thing Sakura does, right down to her skating and cheerleading.


It was then that both Sakura and I dropped our batons and gazed at the book, the book was red and had what looked like a lion type creature on the front cover, chains were on either side of it, and a sun was in front. "That's the same book from my dream" Sakura and I said to ourselves.

WHEN DID YOU EVEN HAVE A DREAM, ZACH

Also, yet more copying. Is the plot twist that Zachary was ~The Mirror~ all along or something? Wait, no, that one already exists. Uh... The Shadow? ...Copycat? There we go. Was Zach ~The Copycat~ all along?

-The book opens-


Inside the weird book was a stack of cards, both Sakura and I picked up the top one, the cards name was in English. "The Windy" we both said in unison.

That must be some fucking heavy cardboard is that card requires two(?) ten-year olds to pick it up.

-One localised tornado and card-scattering later-


When the wind finally stopped, both Sakura and I dropped the strange book and sank to the floor. "What is this?" I asked while looking at the card.

Holy crap Zach said something by himself.




A moment later both Sakura and I were staring at a tiny, winged, teddy bear who was rising from the glowing book."Hey-hey-hoo!" It said, while hovering in midair and smiling, "Well, I'm surprised that you two were able to wake me up!""An Osaka accent…?" Sakura and I asked in unison.

Aw, well it was fun while it las- hey wait hold on, an Osakan accent? Are we following the dub or not?!

-I realise I seem to be skipping a lot, but so little content has actually been changed it seems redundant to bother showing the sentences. We skip to their bedroom, after the story itself skips informing Kero what happened to the cards. Skipception. Kero tells them both to help recollect the cards-

"B-but wasn't it your job to keep those cards properly sealed away in the first place?" I asked."Well…" Now Kero was embarrassed, "I accidentally fell asleep.""For how long?" Sakura asked."About thirty years." Kero said."And you call yourself the Beast of the Seal?" I asked.

By now, I'm sure you've surmised that Sakura and Zachary either talk in unison, or split Sakura's dialogue between the two. It makes for extremely riveting story-telling, I assure you.


Sakura and I then got up, and stood by our beds, which seemed to vanish as the magic circle from before formed on the floor under both of us. "Keys of the Seal." Kero intoned. Two small balls of light rose from the keyhole of the book and hovered in front of me and Sakura. "These two kids will carry out the sacred promise, there names are Sakura and Zachary. I command you to bestow them with you magical powers, RELEASE THE POWER!

It occurs to me that Zachary is very lucky that Cardcaptors is not a magical girl show with actual transformations. Though with how this has been written so far, I expect Tomoyo Madison to create the exact same dresses for both them them.

It was then that both of the two light balls expanded, as did the keys, each forming a baton like staff. I caught the blue colored one, while Sakura caught the pink colored one when we were told by Kero to grab them. "All right! It's the birth of two CardCaptors!" Kero cheered. As the circle faded and the room returned to normal, both Sakura and I examined our staffs and turned to Kero, expecting him to say something.
But instead, he was stuffing his face full of pudding.

Hahaha, oh Kero.

That's it for chapter 1. Might as well cover the next chapter so we can finish the first episode, I suppose? With any luck there'll be "original" content I can actually comment on.

It had only been a few minutes since Kero dubbed me and Sakura as "CardCaptors." And although Kero said that we were both the right people for the job, Sakura and I still felt a little dismissive.

Jeez you two could be a little more impressed that the Osakan-but-possibly-English-speaking plushie that lived in a magical book gave you both mystical staffs.

It was then that Sakura and I heard a loud noise that sounded like a bird screeching. Sakura and I then ran to the window, and upon looking out the window, we noticed a giant blue bird flying in the sky.

I love it when things are exactly what they say on the tin.

"What is that?" Sakura and I asked Kero as he approached the window. "It's a Clow Card" Kero said. Sakura and I gulped; we both knew then what we had to do.

Show that you're capable of acting independently from each other?

-They run out to combat The Fly-

 Sakura and I then reached down our shirts and pulled out our respective keys. "Oh key of clow, power of magic, power of light, surrender the wand, the force ignite, RELEASE! Sakura and I chanted in unison.

This story is going to kill the word 'unison' for me I swear to Clow.

"You distract the bird, and I seal it?" I asked. "Sounds like a plan to me" Sakura said in response while smiling.

Oh wow they're actually going to try and do different things? Of course Zach is the one that gets the glorious sealing role, but hell, it'll give me something to moan about!

It was then that Sakura approached the giant bird. But, while I wasn't looking, the bird spread its wings and took off into the sky, and, little did I know was that Sakura had jumped onto the bird and was taken along for the ride.

...Why were you not looking at the giant bird creature in the first place? Surely that thing requires your full attention?

-And so he uses Windy to bind the bird and Sakura falls to the ground-

It was when I was kneeling beside Sakura that she finally woke up, "uh…What happened?" Sakura asked. "You almost got hurt when I bound the Fly card with Windy, but thankfully I was able to catch you in time" I said. "Thank you Zachary" Sakura said as she smiled at me. "Your welcome" I said as I helped her up.

Thank you for recapping the last few paragraphs, Zach. Glad we have you to keep the events in order, we'd all be lost without ya.

It was then that we turned our attention back to the bound Fly card, and Kero then flew right beside us. "There is one thing that both of you must know before sealing the card, both of you will have to swing your staffs down in unison, or else the capture won't work." Kero said. "Right!" Sakura and I replied in unison.

Could have mentioned that wee tidbit five minutes ago, Kero. Seems like an incredibly important detail to hold back until after one of them almost cracked their skull against the pavement from a fifty-foot drop.

About a few seconds after that, nothing happened, but a few seconds later, one half of a card materialized on the tips of our staffs. The Fly card spirit was then split in half, and then one half of it went into both of our card halves.

The air was filled with the agonised, heart-rending screams of The Fly as it was violently torn in twain by the cardcaptors' cruel magic.

It was then that Kero landed in front of us and said, "both of you will need to write your names on the card so that it won't escape."And with that, Sakura and I wrote our names on the bottom of the Fly Card with Sakura's name below mine.

CAN'T HAVE THE SUPER AWESOME OC ANYWHERE BUT THE VERY TOP RIGHT

"Why don't the both of you try it out?" Kero asked after Sakura and I were both done writing our names on the card. "What can the card do?" Sakura asked.

Clue's in the name, Sakura. You're silly, not braindead.

"I think I got a pretty good idea" I said as I crouched down and picked up the Fly Card.

Oh but of course Zachary can figure what a card called The Fly can do. Such a genius.

Sakura and I then once again raised our staffs, swung both of them down at the same time, and tapped the Fly Card at the same time. "FLY!" Sakura and I yelled out in unison,
So, like... is the card still in two halves, or do you both just use the exact same card now...?

and after the one word was said, both of our staffs grew wings on the top. Sakura and I then got on our respective winged staffs, and then, after a few seconds, we took off into the sky. "This is awesome!" Sakura and I said in unison.

And stop speaking in unison goddamnit.

"I knew I could count on you two CardCaptor Sakura and Zachary" Kero said. "Hold on, we haven't agreed to anything yet" Sakura and I said in unison as all three of us flew across the sky.

GRRRAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Ahem. And with that, that's chapter two finished, and so am I.

Phew, that was... incredibly bland, to be honest. For the most part, it's a copy-paste of the dialogue, with the only changes being either "Self-insert speaks in unison with Sakura like they were creepy ghost twins" or "Zachary and Sakura swap lines that Sakura herself would have spoken herself anyway". Also, Zachary just... goes along with the 'sucked into Cardcaptors' thing ridiculously easily. Like, not even a passing thought like "what the fuck how", he's just instantly fitting in. Well, 'fitting in'. It made the intro with the shooting star extremely pointless if it plays into absolutely nothing.

According to a paragraph I skipped at the beginning of the story, this is a re-upload after some assholes humiliated the author. Obviously, that really sucks and shouldn't be done, regardless of the story's quality. Not to sound like some special exception or anything, but if all you can bring to a story is blind hatred... why should anyone give a shit about your opinion? Explain why a story doesn't work in detail, and how it could possibly be improved, and maybe the author can actually write something better?

Or, y'know, bash your keyboard in frothing rage, I'm sure that's fine. Us intellectuals like to provide some snark and sophistication to the proceedings, myes. *Swirls wineglass*

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