Tuesday, 9 December 2014

Eclipse Of Common Sense

Okay then, so the first fanfic I'll be reading is Gensokyo Eclipse, set in the wonderful wonderland of Touhou Project. For those lost souls that randomly stumble into this barren blogland and have no idea what a Touhou is, it's a Japanese Bullet Hell Game Of Shooting And Bullets. In other words, this. Canon is also barely existent because ZUN's cool like that, so the series is a goldmine for fanfics.

Oh, right, one of the series notable traits (aside from goddamn amazing music) is that the cast is 99% female, so fanfics about "some guy ends up in the game's setting" tend to be common. And commonly mocked.

But anyway, back to the fic. Written by Alphay1, it's apparently their first story. Well, we all gotta start somewhere. Not stopping me from commenting, though! So, without further ado...


It started off as a raining night.

But was it storming?

My dog barked as an intruder pushed me into some opening, all I saw was eyes watching me as I fell unconscious, leaving me to the darkness.

Well that was a quick kidnapping scene.

-And then Main Character woke up in a shrine-

"Hey, I think the boy is waking up," one said.
"Hopefully he hadn't hit his head too hard, ze," someone else said.
Naturally, I decided to not move at all. It's a lazy thing about me, always waiting for my body to energize itself.

At least he's taking the kidnap pretty well?


The first one to speak is the Girl in Red. "My name is Reimu Hakurei, and this place is Genesoko."
The next one to speak is the witch. "My name is Marisa Kirisame, and I am the ordinary magician!""
The girl with horns looked too drunk to speak, but Reimu helped. "Her name is Suika, and as you can tell, she is always drunk, also, if you are wondering about those horns, she is an Oni."
Finally, the girl with a parasol spoke. "My name is Yukari," she simply said.

Well, first of all, where the hell is Genesoko? Is it near Gensokyo, the actual setting of the series? Is it a bizarro world in which people act different from usual?

Also, gotta love the introductions from the girls here. It's like clunky exposition, whiloe exaggerating some traits. Especially Suika's drunkenness. Granted, it's rare to see her sober, but she can usually hold a conversation. Oni are awesome at holding their liquor like that.

Finally, Yukari, why are you even there? Shouldn't you be, like, hibernating or something?

I stand up, nearly falling over from my senses waking up, and say "My name is Alexander, or Alex for short. Also, weren't you the one who invaded my apartment... Yukari?"

Senses waking up?
I'm surprised Alex managed to identify the intruder, considering there was no real clue as to who pushed him. Well, the readers would know from the description of the portals, but Al sure doesn't.

Reimu speaks, "Yukari, how many times have I told you not to bring outsiders into Genesoko? You are putting his life in danger," she says with a serious tone.

It's almost as if she's a troll. Who probably warps random people into Gensokyo to feed youkai. For an upbeat series involving girls shooting each other with non-lethal bullets and explosions, some background info can be dark as hell.

I yawn and realize something is missing, my scarf that was given to me by my friend a long time ago.

Good to know this doesn't sound like an important thingymabob.

...Also, were you wearing the scarf while inside your house or something? Where do you live that's so cold?

"Hey, where did my scarf go? I swear I was wearing... Oh! There it is!" I say as I walk over to it while it rests on the shelf. I grab it and put it on how I like it, wrapped around my neck.

As opposed to tied around your waist? Or leg?

So we learn that Alex's scarf is special to him, and provides "death stare"s to anyone that wishes to use it for their own nefarious purposes to combat the cold.

"Anyways," Yukari interrupts, "I must be going now. You can explain things to him Reimu," Yukari says as she creates some portal and disappears.

Wait a minute, you drag this guy to Gensokyo Genesoko, evidently not with the purpose of feeding him to wild Rumias, and then ditch him to go... I dunno, sleep? I know Yukari likes to be all Chess Mastery (this is the same person that faked a war against Moon Rabbits just to steal some goddamn Moon Sake, after all), but I gotta admit, I'm not entirely sure what Yukari hopes to accomplish here.

-Reimu then explains the Spell Card rules, and Marisa decides to demonstrate-

"Marisa, I don't think that-" "Starsign 'Metonic Shower!" Marisa interrupts Reimu as she launches the first attack.

The hell is a metonic shower?

I stop moving, wondering what could come from just a tiny box. It starts generating a small orb, and I start worrying. Reimu looks and sees that behind Alex, is her Donation Box.
"LOVE SIGN..." Marisa yells.
"Oh boy here we go," Alex says.
"MARISA!" Reimu starts moving to stop her, but it's too late.
"MASTER SPARK!" Marisa yells as a humongous rainbow colored laser shoots from the small octagonal box.

Marisa may love being flashy and stuff, but firing her trademark laserat a guy who's been in Gensokyo Genesoko for all of five minutes? She must really like that featureless scarf of his.

Also dohoho donation box Reimu is poor.

Alex braces for impact as Reimu screams (out of the account her Donation Box is gonna break), but it never hits.
"What?!" All three say in shock.
Alex looks up, and sees that his scarf, or scarfs, are blocking the Master Spark. The Master Spark stops streaming from the Box, and the scarves are slightly burning from the technicolored beam.

Huh. It's a good thing he was wearing that when he was kidnapped. Or Yukari grabbed it for him because she knew it could block memetically powerful laser beams.

"And you..." Reimu turns to Alex after scolding Marisa. "I'm not sure what you did that blocked that Master Spark, but thank you. If you didn't block it, half the shrine would've been demolished," Reimu says.

Meh, wouldn't be the first time, Reimu.

"Oh, um your welcome I guess... Wha-" Alex says when suddenly given a small hug by Reimu


"Who gave you that scarf anyways?" Reimu says while giving Alex some tea.
Alex stalls a moment, and say, "An old friend." Alex drinks some tea.

Damn subtle hinting there, man.

"Say, I don't really get this, but how did Marisa fly? Is it something about Genesoko that allowed her to do that?"
"Oh, pretty much almost everyone can fly. It's because of Magic really."
"Oh, does that mean I can fly too?"
"No, humans can't fly. It's because your kind isn't really good at Magic."

...But... Marisa's a human. That's why she's the "ordinary magician". Hell, Reimu is human. Her power is specifically flight. In a setting where goddamn EVERYONE flies.

-Scarf discussion happens-

"Well then again, that scarf did block Marisa's Master Spark, and the only one I know who can do that is Patchouli."

...The asthmatic magician who can barely spell-sling without flopping to the floor is the only person capable of blocking it? I dunno, I imagine Suika over there (er, is she still there?) could headbutt it into oblivion. The original user of the spell could probably swat it aside with her umbrella.

-And then the sun set-

"Well I guess you are stuck here for the night. I wouldn't want you getting killed by a Youkai," Reimu says to Alex.
My scarf has other plans. "Than- What?" Alex says as his scarf decides to pull him outside and flying away with him at a very fast speed.

The scarf pulled him outside and flew off.

The scarf.

Is flying.

While carrying Alexander.

This is the most stupidly awesome mental image ever.

Before Reimu could start chasing him, he was already out of sight. "Darnit, I'll look for him in the Morning, by the looks of it, that scarf might be able to protect him, it did block the Master Spark..." Reimu says while heading back into the shrine.

"I can trust the scarf to do my job. Seems like an okay fellow."
And this is immediately after Reimu said he would most likely end up dead even if she accompanied him. Make up your mind, girl, is Gensokyo Genesoko safe or not?!

-Alexander is now at the Scarlet Devil Mansion, conveniently mentioned five seconds ago by Reimu-

"Where did you take me Scarf...? Oh wait, this is a clockwork tower, isn't it? Reminds me of back home... And her..."

So... you're from London? Also, oh boy, here we go.

A certain Vampire noticed his presence on top of the tower. "Sakura, please stay here, I gotta go somewhere real quick..." She says.
"As you wish, Lady Remilia," Sakuya says.

"By the way, milady, why are you going out there yourself? Isn't it my job to deal with intruders? I can even stop time and stuff, so I can get it done in literally less than a second."
"No, I feel the plot compels me to handle this personally for some reason. Yadda yadda Manipulation of Fate."

Alex sits all alone on the edge of the tower. "Scarf, why did you bring me here? I don't even know where this is, and yet it seems so familiar."
The Scarf says nothing as Alex holds it in his hands, a pair of eyes watching behind the corner.
*A Human? Here? What is he doing talking to that scarf like that?* Remilia thinks while watching.

Well, obviously, the scarf is a tsukumogami, and is about to become a cute girl with an awesome theme and extremely distinctive design.

Alex checks his pockets, luckily they weren't checked when he was unconscious.
He opens the envelope, a letter of his to be sent so someone else, but was never delivered...

So he kept it lying around in his pocket forever, just in case we needed a totally natural way to introduce his backstory.

Alex reads over it, and also grabs the other paper out of his pocket, a newspaper article.

I am so glad there is nothing creepy about this at all.

•Girl killed in an accident involving two drunk men• It shows a picture of a girl in her eighteens, and also shows two men, responsible for the accident. "Leah..." Alex says while a tear drops from his face. Remilia watches as he starts crying, eventually falling asleep from tiredness and exhaustion.

That single tear drained all of his energy? When did he even exert himself? Is his head still sore from waking up? ...He might need medical attention.

-Remilia loots his body and returns to her throne. Also, Remi has a throne now. Reading ensues-

Dear my love, Leah.

Leah then laughed at the awkward intro and returned to ignoring the creepy guy's advances.

It's kinda hard for me to confess this to you... But I love you. I have loved you ever since I laid eyes upon your beautiful self, and at the time didn't know that... Remilia reads the entire letter *This kid must have written this letter to this 'Leah' person, but why does he still have it?* Remilia thinks as she now looks at the newspaper article

Well that was an awkward cut. And you really don't wanna know, Remi.

"This is so different compared to the newspaper here... Eh?" •Leah Harrison, age 18, killed in an accident involving two men, one who has also died, the other facing charges for...•
*Oh...* Remilia looks at the letter again. *...I shouldn't have taken this, ah, this is ver-* 

Why did you even take his stuff to begin with? Why not bring him inside? You're quite clearly nowhere near as dangerous as Reimu was hyping you up to be. Unless you habitually leave strangers stranded on your roof and loot their stuff.

And in the exact same sentence...

"Miss Remilia, a man here has claimed to lost something of his, I found him on the clock tower, and he said he wouldn't leave until he found what he lost."

So he was asleep for all of two minutes, huh? How convenient.

Remilia put on a Oh Shit face

And here's the runner-up to the "flying scarf and passenger" sequence.

as Alex saw her with the letter and news article. "Um..." Remilia started to say as Alex looked at her as if he was violated (well he was)


and turned away and started walking. "Actually, I think I'm fine now. I don't need them anymore," Alex says in a low voice.

"Now that you have read the world's most redundant love letter, and a newspaper article that a lot of people would have read back home anyway, my trust in this person I have never met has been irrevocably shattered. And magically nulled any attachment I had to pieces of paper. You monster."

Remilia sat there, staring at the door that stood open. Looking outside, she saw it was still night. She told Sakuya to go clean anything she could, leaving Remilia by herself in her throne room. All was quiet.

...'kay then. Didn't know Remilia was the type to fret over this stuff, but hey, apparently she personally meets with every visitor instead of having her maid show them around her totally awesome mansion first.

Well, that was... something. A lot of scenes are lacking information, sentences tend to run together, Gensokyo is now Genesoko... not to mention the forced "I have a dead girlfriend" backstory. Oh, and the magical flying scarf.

I need to see fanart of that.

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