Thursday, 25 December 2014

Death Stats

Gotta say, I don't think I've ever seen a stat screen in a fanfiction before. A character profile to save on that pointless 'detail' thing, sure, but an actual stat screen? And it's not even for a game!

Today's subject is The New Found Queen, by rae-dall. In which some girl with a dark past pops up in Light's life, and they may or may not fall in love with each other. Suspenseful.

Well, let's take a peek then.


Name: Yaku Yamio Ocanami ( short for Yakunitatanai {Useless in Japanese})

And already I'm terrified. I know Death Note has some pretty silly names, but... goddamn.

Looks: medium height, for a girl; deep black hair, bangs to one side of face, green eyes; pale face; a X burn scar on her face, normally hidden under bangs; unemotional stare

I love that :l is listed in her appearance. And that her appearance is listed in a single sentence so the author doesn't have to it later. And that she has a scar... uh... somewhere on her face in general.

Likes: all books, her ring (shinigami ring),school, criminal investigations/ tactics, coffee

...So what's a shinigami ring? Does it have Ryuuk's faced on it? And is criminal investigations and tactics just... interchangeable subjects now? Or does it mean she likes criminal tactics?

Dislikes: humans, boredom, talking in front of people, having attention drawn, stages

Only one of these makes any kind of sense. Maybe two if she already has a Kira-tier god complex, but... 'boredom'? Is that really something that needs to be specified for anyone? And 'having attention drawn'? What's wrong with stages, for that matter?

The story has not even begun and there's so much I don't understand.

Pet Peeve(s): hates people reading over shoulder

You know what? Fair enough.

Opinion of Kira: heavily supports

Oh good, I can hate her for moral reasons from the get-go!

Well, that was a fun bio. If this were a bio for a roleplay, I'm sure it would be approved instantly. But that's only the first part. Remember when I mentioned stat screens earlier? Well...

Intelligence: 10/10
Creativity: 8/10
Initiative:9/10, though sometimes is too lazy
Emotional Strength: 10/10
Social Skills: 6/10
Acting skills: 8/10
Self defense: 5/10
handling a weapon: 7/10
athleticism: 7/10
lying skills: 10/10

Yup. Do I even need to say anything? Go on, just try and decipher that.

Well, at least now we can get a start on this story. Helpfully labelled as "Past".

I born on January 14, the coldest day of the year. My mother died in childbirth, and my father didn't handle it well - actually, he didn't handle it at all. Before he could even fill out my papers, he jumped out of the building, off of the fourth story window. At least that's what they told me.

I bet it was even raining on that day, too. Also, holy freakin' shit. Rae wasn't kidding about the dark past.

I came to live with my mum's step-sister and her husband, along with their son. They treated me awfully, my aunt never liked my mother, and considered me trash off the street. In fact, they gave me a name, Yaku, short for Yakunitatanai, meaning Useless

"For eleven years, they confined me to the cupboard under the stairs".
How much further can we dip this happy little fic into over-the-top depression, then?

Only one thing hadn't changed. I was still bullied at school, mostly for how I didn't show emotion. Whenever I let someone in, or told something about me to someone, they would tell the bullies, and I would get picked on again.

"My aunt and uncle are child-abusing monsters, and I am apparently too afraid to tell the authorities."
"Oh dear. Here, let me get Utter Prick, I hear he's an excellent counsellor! Just beats the shit outta your life!"

Eventually the torture became unbearable, so when I was fifteen I went to the cops after a beating. I showed them the bruises and scrapes from when I was thrown against a wall. I showed them my blood from when I coughed it up. I showed them my ribs, and how my ankles were beaten so I could barely walk.


They finally came to the house, and my 'parents' put on a show. They were nice, loving, caring people when others were around, as always. They came and hugged me, asking where I was, saying they had been so lonely. But even so, I saw a cold glint in their eyes, and knew after this was cleared up, I surely wouldn't be able to walk down to the station.

Not to say this kind of shit doesn't happen in real life, but... come the fuck on! How did they explain away all the injuries? There's only so much the stairs can do to someone.

They ended up saying something like, "Oh, she's just too clumsy, isn't she *giggle*" or "What on earth happened, Yaku?", and eventually the cops left, though I doubted that they had intended an arrest in the first place. You see, my aunt married well, they whole family was rich, except for me. This ensured they got away with almost anything, really anything but murder.

So... shitty family and corrupt policemen. I swear, if anything else gets included...

Soon I saved enough money to go to college, by balancing multiple part time jobs, as well as working extremely hard to win a full scholarship to Yo-oh university. However, when my 'family' found out, they laughed and made fun of me, saying it must've been a fake or something, that I was a worthless pile of shit.

I'm honestly surprised that's all they did. Or that it took them any longer than five minutes to find out she was missing her half-hourly beatings.

I was bound and gagged, and thrown into the basement. I coughed up some blood, and thought at least they would leave me here to tend to my wounds, but of course I was wrong. I heard laughter, and the door being opened. To my horror, in the woman's hands, were a iron rod, with a blazing orange tip.




Okay, I get it, her life sucks. Can you stop indulging in whatever the fuck fetish this is now?

 I tried to crawl away, but the husband and son grabbed my arms and held me in place, as the rod sizzled against my cheek. The smell of burning flesh rotted in the air as they branded me, with a X. Soon they got tired of their 'game', and left me to suffer. Oh, and how I suffered.


 My cheek was destroyed, body beaten, and ribs broken. I didn't cry out, though, because thats what they wanted. Instead, I took a deep, hard look at the rod they had left behind. Still hot.

Oh for fuck's sake. ...Well, if it gets used to murder them all, I suppose I won't shed a tear. But this has far surpassed the darkness in Death Note already. Might as well revel in the sheer hopelessness of everything.

-And so, she used the rod to cut herself free, black out and burn the house down-

Later that year, I had rented an apartment, and soon I began attending To-oh College, top of the class, of course.

Uh-huh. First: Why haven't the authorities found you? Even if the rest of your family has become black husks, there's still a suspiciously-absent body, and dental records would prove who that is very quickly. Not to mention you've enrolled at a university with no hint of an alias or anything. I doubt the scar will conceal your identity.

2: Of course. She has 10/10 INT, after all.

I started my college career looking to be a doctor, and found that this was well within my reach. Freshman year was better than expected, and I feel like my old family was nothing but a nightmare. But of course now, I've got no one. Who wants to talk to the girl who had both of her families die?


Rumors spread, and I ended up being the center of the gossip world, even a year after I joined the school. New kids were told to stay away, and teachers never gave a second glance. But that was ok. I had my books and my thoughts, and besides, I don't like people anyway. Humans lie, and they cheat others. Even me. Especially me.

"Man, fuck humans. All humans. Why can't they be more like me?"

Blargh. That was honestly horrible. A fanfic that tries way too hard to be edgy, and their OC cool and sympathetic. Why don't people realise that piling horrific tragedy after tragedy doesn't make someone loveable?

Gotta say, though, I like one of the reviews left by, er, "Um". It's not one of mindless "luv this pls moar" or "lol tis sux noob", but an actual criticism meant for the author to better themselves. And they're just working with the stuff in the bio/stat screen. Wonder how they would have felt if they read past that, but it's always nice to see thought put into the reviews for a change.

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