Tuesday, 25 April 2017

Inane Ramblings About Fanfiction Trends: Touhou Edition

Welcome, those unfortunate enough to stumble upon this blog, to a slightly different post than usual. This time, instead of cherry-picking a random fanfic to comment on in a desperate attempt to be funny, I instead tackle a certain cliche/trope/concept as a whole, in order to moan about how much it irritates me. I assure you, this is quite the productive use of my time.

There're certain trends that fandoms seem to follow, I noticed in my search for stories to read. Reoccurring elements and plot lines that seem to universally adopted by every fanfic writer for no particular reason, beyond general laziness or... just not being much of a writer to begin with.

Today's fandom shall be Touhou Project, and the most sinful of fandom cliches that the series could possibly spawn... male original characters.

Image by altronage
Gaze upon him and despair

"But RandomVideoPeruser!" My imaginary audience queries in unison, "whatever is the problem with guys?" And the answer to that is... absolutely nothing! Male OC's aren't a problem in and of themselves at all. That much is blatantly obvious.

However, Touhou is one of those series where every named character, except for like two or three, is female. Out of well over a hundred. Probably 150+ characters at this point. It's hard to keep track between all the media Touhou incorporates. Either way, the only guys you'll ever see in Touhou are a pink cloud who is effectively an extension to another character, or a shopkeeper who's only really appeared n a few manga stories.

So what exactly is the problem with using male OC's? It's obviously not an ironclad rule that only girls exist in the setting. Well, again, there's no problem with it. The issues come not just from the idea of 'let's create a guy' and more... 'let's create a guy for the sole purpose of being stronger than every single canon character. And make a harem out of them all'.

A tiring trend I've noticed is the sheer abundance of "a perfectly ordinary guy is transported to Gensokyo for no reason, befriends whichever character had their name picked from a hat, and I guess he has a super ultra important destiny to fulfil". I'm sure there's been one or two good stories made with that formula, but this idea kind of ran its' ground years ago, and more importantly, I never cared for it, so there.

As of late, though, there's been a twist or two to freshen up the formula. These days, there's a lot more 'OC knows they are an OC and won't shut the hell up about it' stories, which is just riveting. As for the reason these people tend to get pulled into Gensokyo? Yukari. Just Yukari. That is generally as far as the explanations go.

I get it. Yukari's a mysterious lady who acts in mysterious ways for the sake of Gensokyo as a whole. She also generally has a goal in mind when she sets things into motion, instead of just inexplicably dropping the first fifteen-year old she comes across into the youkai-infested forest with no explanation. Or even a hello.

Returning to the 'OC stronger than all canon characters' concept, keep in mind that in this setting, we have someone with somewhat-limited reality warping, someone that can kill with a thought, another who can literally fly outside of reality (and that's just the three characters explicitly stated to be far weaker than another character in the series, even if they all teamed up against said person). Obviously, people can and have made female OC's that are just like that, and that's also dumb, but the sheer abundance of male self-inserts with these attributes is pretty insane.

Now, is there a point to my rambling? Well, no. It's a ramble. Rambling is pointless and I'm grumpy.

Damn kids, not letting me complain on the internet. Back in my day...

But sure, let's tie it all together in a clumsy manner, for the sake of taking something out of this. Putting aside the part where a lot of fanfic authors are probably pretty damn young, have nothing else to do and will probably forget about their fanfic five minutes after posting a cliffhanger opening... some advice to take, at least as far as Touhou stuff goes, is... make your character compelling, Male or female, what a reader wants is to be invested in the main character.

How to make them compelling? Well, for a start, don't make their description boil down to "Is basically my favourite character, but stronger/faster/their identical sibling/their Shadow, the true self". They need an identity. In the context of Touhou; why would Yukari whisk them to Gensokyo? No need to answer that immediately, but make sure you have a reason. What about them is so special that Yukari is not only aware of their existence, but only this OC of yours is uniquely suited to solve the problem that hundreds of others can't?

Hell, do they even need to be the main character? Considering the canon roster, you already have all the characters you'll ever need to write something out. Your OC could be a mere shopkeeper that occasionally gets screentime when things happen in the village? A generic youkai who may or may not be on speaking terms with, say, Rumia?

Of course, not everything needs to be some epic threat to all of existence, either. Touhou Project is ultimately a pretty light-hearted series, with rare moments of something more serious. Often times, the most serious problem of the day is whether or not one can be bothered sweeping up leaves. Sometimes, a setting is better suited to daily misadventures, than they are cataclysmic horror stories.

Image by Zerochan
Even if the best character is a terrifying monster that
no one else can defeat so don't bother stating otherwise

So, in short; if you want to improve as a writer in general, seek help from elsewhere. All I can do is point out the obvious and pretend I'm smart for doing so. Otherwise, I hope what little advice I can offer is of help in your future endeavours.

Now, back to making myself feel better with games anime various other activities fanfics.

Monday, 20 March 2017

Dead Body Party With A twist

Ya know, I like Corpse Party. Bit of a surprise, given my disdain for relentlessly dark and grim plotlines, but I guess there's always exceptions. Granted, Book of Shadows felt needlessly cruel, but I'm sure Blood Drive brings a satisfying conclusion! ...At least it damn well better. I think it's the only Vita game I want that hasn't been ported to the PS4 by now, it'll need a damn good ending to trick me into buying a whole console for it.

Inane ramblings aside, one thing I don't like is terrible OC's. Go figure. Sure hope I don't end up reading a fanfic starring one of those. Today's fanfiction is Corpse twist, by ChsisAnialation:

Takes place in the anime. Vandra Crest has fallen in the unrelenting hell of "Heavenly" Host Elementary along with the others. He will be faced with blood and death. If he survives, then will it change who else survive?

On the one hand, that name is already screaming 'fake special', on the other... Vandra apparently is a real name. Fair enough, but I'm also pretty damn sure neither that or the surname is Japanese. Vandra is also apparently a female name.

Quick note before I get into the story itself: I'm more familiar with the game, and as such I may misremember how the anime depicted a few things. That said, Most of the changes would occur after 'chapter 1' from what I remember, so I promise my critiques totally still apply!

"She opens the door really slow and peaks her head in and will ask "Is anyone still here?"." My horror fetish friend continues as I wake up.

...Odd way to start a story, really.

-There is a knock at the door. What door you ask? Surely you would know if you watched the anime or played the game. No need to establish the scenery at all, obviously-

"Is it just me or did you hear someone knock?" I ask with a yawn. I still haven't moved from my position. I can't be scared easily.

I can already tell you'll be an endearing character in this horror setting.

I do not excel in fighting, but I excel in evasive combat. I have strength and evasive skills.

In other words, you excel in fighting, Sir Humbebrag.

Actually the only other one I know is Mayu, Satoshi, Seiko and his sister Yuka. Last names mean nothing to me.

"I couldn't be bothered remembering or googling the full names of the characters, so here's a list of names I vaguely recall". Boy I sure am liking Vandra's personality so far. He's so chill and cool and awesome!

Also, your list is a bit out of order here, man. Unless Seiko is now a man and you made Yuka their sister instead.

The three invited me here. Can't really recall their names. The story teller is dubbed Horror Fetish. By me. (Seriously. Has anyone else forgot the name of a friend and made it awkward or is it just me?)

Gonna take a wild guess and say just you, buddy.

"Well it really can't be scary if it is about a elementary school. Only thing scary is how the kids are treated like angels while I was treated like crap by the teachers

You may commence rolling your eyes at this throwaway establishment of "waaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh muh past".

 I can't believe little kids don't get in as much trouble as us." I state blandly.

Well, at least the author is aware of how Vandra is coming across so far.

The candle dies into nothing. It is now hard to see. The others start to scream like little bitches as I make myself comfortable on the floor by laying down on my back.

-One super witty quip about the classroom being empty later-

The light turns on showing teacher Yui Shishido. "Smart mouth." She complains looking directly at me. I shrug.

Man, the coolness is just too much. This OC is way too likeable.

"Brother!" The little girl I like to pick on calls running in.
"Yuka?" Satoshi says confused.
I grin. I stand up. "Well well well. If it isn't my short friend."

Can someone tell me why Vandra knows a girl who, despite being 14, both looks and acts half her age? She's Satoshi's little sister, but not even his friends really knew her before showing up here.
Also, 'my short friend' is about the blandest thing you could say, dude.

 I am still carrying the same grin. She starts to grin after Satoshi whispers something to her. "I don't like that look."
"Oh it's nothing Vandra Crest." She says through giggles.

I'm guessing Satoshi finally told her what his name was and she cannot stop laughing at how stupid it sounds.

"I didn't know Satoshi has a teacher." I think Naomi says.
The others agree. "I didn't tell you guys?" Satoshi questions.

I promise I haven't skipped a line here. We jump straight from Yuka giggling to something about Satoshi's teacher? Who is Yui Shishido, the teacher for everyone present except Yuka? I'm rather lost here.

"Let's do a ritual to be friends forever!" I think Ayumi suggests.

And this sort of comes out of nowhere when you completely excise the 'Mayu is moving away really soon' line. At least it gives more examples of Vandra being a dick via narration.

Another perfect chance! "There is no virgins for the sacrifice though." I immediately regret it as I am chased around the room by the girls. "It was just a joke!"

Hahaha... oh, that Vandra. Such a gifted comedian. Much like myself and my snappy snarking.
-Apparently this chase lasts a full half hour-

"OK! Ready." Everyone gathers. "This is called Sachiko Ever After! We each grab a piece of this paper and think in our head "Sachiko we beg of you" 10 times then pull it apart." Ayumi(?) explains.

I'm honestly surprised the ritual's steps remain intact here, to be honest.

I nod my head in understanding. "Let's do this my friends." I encourage.

"Especially those of you whose names I have no desire to remember or learn in any way. Let us be connected for all eternity, my valued classmates I happen to be in the same room as."

-Because I am nice, I won't show him writing 'Sachiko we beg of you' ten times in a single sentence. I am a merciful being-

"Thank you Ayumi!" Mayu thanks.
"Is she going to die Brother?" Yuka asks.

Well that sure was random, Yuka. Well, given that the author didn't bother to explain the context of the ritual, it's a fair enough question.

-Suddenly an earthquake. As Vandra can't get under a desk without it moving away, I guess lying in the centre of the room is a decent enough alternative. What are the odds of the ceiling falling on top of you, anyway?-

The quake stops suddenly. "That was quick." Naomi comments. I am in the middle of everyone. "Are you going to move anytime soon?"
I laugh a bit. "Nope! Plan on sleeping right here tonight."
"Lazy bum." Yuki giggles out.

"Hahaha, for all we know a portion of the school collapsed and are lucky to be alive!"

The floor breaks under us all suddenly. "Aaahhhhh!" Everyone screams while I grab for a ledge silently. I miss by a long shot.

I am honestly surprised he wasn't able to easily grab the ledge, front flip back up, and then somehow catch everyone before they fall. I guess it's a nice surprise.

I open my eyes yawning. "Nice nap." I look around at a raggedy classroom. Naomi is trying to wake Seiko up. Seems she hasn't noticed me yet.
Let's see if I can keep it that way. I would like to see how they react.

So your first instinct, upon waking up from a presumably large fall into an unfamiliar shithole of a classroom, is to potentially scare a girl who not only went through a similar fall, but is trying to wake up her best friend who could have easily died from said fall.

Vandra is such a likeable person.

A cold chill runs down my spine. I turn around putting up a defensive pose.
There stands a little girl with hair covering her face. She gives me a feeling that I hate: hate.

Ah, yes, hate. I hate feeling hate. Hate only harbours more hate, you know? We need less hate in the world so we can stop hating hate so much. I hate devoting all my time to hating hate, because it could be better spent loving lobe.

I frown. "I don't like this feeling girl. Get away kid." A warning shouts in my mind, so I jump aside avoiding a desk crashing through the half the wall. The girl disappears into thin air.

Of course he has fucking Spider Sense as well.

-Naomi and Seiko notice him and they leave the classroom-

We walk into the halls with me on the side observing the place. Seems to be a elementary school. A paper says Heavenly Host Elementary school.
I shrug at the useless information. So what? That thing I saw was not from heaven. That's for sure.

Because the one thing I would do when stuck in an unfamiliar location, is to completely dismiss all clues to its' location. As if anyone needs to know that.

I kick the doors. Doesn't move. "Oh hell no." I say. I pull them instead getting the same exact outcome. "Come on! That kid has to have something to do with this!" I accuse.

Again, genuinely surprised he isn't smashing the walls down right now.

"By the way Naomi. Patch up your ankle. I noticed you keep limping everywhere."
"I'll fix it up." Seiko offers.

Because of course only Vandra would notice such a thing. Not the girl supporting Naomi while they walk.

I finally see I still have my paper in my pocket. I pull it out. I look it over. It looks normal enough.
I shove it back in my pocket. A whole paper is in my other pocket. I pull it out. Seiko walks out. "I'm heading out to look for my piece. Later."

"I also heard Yuka crying earlier, but meh. Looking for a piece of paper I do not yet know is vitally important is way more worth my time."

I nod. I look over the paper. It is my science paper about rocks. Actually my friend Jasmine's paper.

What an... odd mistake to make?

She hates the teacher and school so much that she written rock as every word. I am dead serious!

Man, just look at all that hatred. Writing a single word over and over is just so edgy and extreme man.

Good to know this Jasmine person is equally as likeable as Vandra. Still has an out-of-place name for a presumably-Japanese schoolgirl, though.

Not many like her. She is by far my favorite part of school. Let's face it. My other friends aren't in my other classes.

What other friends? Are we pretending you actually like the other characters? You literally just said they're inferior to this previously unmentioned girl.

"Technically she has to give me a grade."
I chuckled at her. "Go for it."
"Actually, can you turn this in tomorrow?" She asked.
Flashback end

Boy that sure was necessary and engaging. Never mind that you summarised that entire exchange a few sentences before this flashback,

Naomi rips open the door and falls to the otherside of the hall. I look in the room. I fall back in horror. A black mist with evil eyes! "Come here Saa-chan."
It goes closer. I jump in front of Naomi. "Go screw yourself! This girl is under my protection!" I state to the thing. It fades away into nothing. "Good."

You did an excellent job protecting her by standing outside the infirmary, while Naomi screams, runs around the room, and tries to burn the hair off the door. How the hell did you miss all that?

"Go away!" She yells.
"Sorry I let it not kill you. Good day jerk." I then walk away down the hall. I walk into the bathroom then lay against the wall.

Yeah, you sure were vital in making sure Naomi survived, Vandra. What with you... having the world's dumbest flashback, while Naomi had to rescue herself. Thank god you're the main character. I can't imagine how this scene would play out otherwise!

A kid with no top head walks in and sits next to me. Being I saw a picture of this before, I don't care. "What's up mister?" It innocently asks.

I've seen some messed up stuff in pictures too. Doesn't mean it's any less terrifying when a headless ghost walks up to you. And speaks. Even though she cannot speak. Because she is headless. Specifically, from the jaw up.

It's not even a telepathy thing. This ghost explicitly can't communicate beyond gurgly moans.

I laugh a bit. "Have you tried to save a person, but they just throw you away as if you are trash?" I ask.

Gee, I wonder why someone wouldn't want to be around you.

I sigh. "No. I have been cast away by many in my life time. People tried to kill me before. Since I have always excelled in evasive combat, I never was. That is why I must get back to Jasmine." I tell the kid.

What even IS 'evasive combat'? I mean, it sounds self-explanatory, but even goddamn Jackie Chan takes a few hits now and again! I'd also ask why people have wanted him dead, but... really, if I couldn't guess after reading this much, I'd be pretty damn dense.

"Your love for her floors you right?" He guesses bored.
I grin. "I'm afraid she'll write all pebbles for science instead of rocks."
"She did that!?" He asks excitedly. "Show me!"

Just a reminder that this is a ghost of a...9? 10-year old girl who was horribly mutilated and murdered, and not only roams the school in constant, agonising pain, but is also left unable to speak due to a lack of head and tongue, and no doubt gave no fucks about what some random idiot wrote in a school report several years above her level. And is also almost always stuck in 'kill the living' mode on top of that.

"Wow! You have no love for her, but you need to get this turned in for her in fear of her hating you?" I nod. "That is a first! For that, I will let you live longer." He says handing it back.

So merciful. Let him live longer in a school with no food or clean water, and is stalked by several murderous ghosts and at least one super strong monstrosity.

I'd give points for the subtle evil there if that was anything remotely in-character for Tokiko to do.

-Tokiko the ghost disappears-

Seiko runs in with a rope. I rip it out of her hands and throw it. I wrap her in a hug full of meaning. That she is able to go on.

It's a good thing you knew exactly what she was planning to do. Even though this is not at all what happened in the story, but somehow I doubt the author paid attention to that bit.
(And even if Seiko planned to kill herself, the author had so kindly omitted the actual reasoning for this to happen anyway. Whoops!)

-The two argue over Seiko's desire to kill herself, with Vandra being totally badass and heartless for the sake of his 'friend'-

I punch her gut causing her to kneel over in pain. "Wrong answer." I state crying inside. Outside I am cold and in charge. A form I hate performing.

Then stop being a dick 24/7 if you hate it so much. Now, I'm no psychologist, but if someone were planning to kill themselves in front of me, I think one of my last options would be to beat them up over it. Dunno why, but it just feels counter-productive...

"Kill me already." She says. "Before this darkness consumes me."
"Darkness can only consume the weak. If you are weak, you are no friend of mine." I state darkly.

Good to know you care. Now stop talking like some shonen anti-hero and be a likeable goddamn person already.

She is in my grasp. I broke through that shell. "My friends are all strong willed to the end. No. Matter. What." I point to her face. "You acting like total bitch!"
"I am not!" She wails. Darkness starts to surround her.

She really isn't, honestly. Also, huh, the Darkening. Didn't expect that to be used. Well, let's see how it's handl-

"Then prove the will that I can be proud of when I hear Seiko!"
Everything lights in the room from her body. All shadows die in its presence even going as far as screeching.

...Well that was delightfully easy.

All of a sudden the rope I tossed raps around her whole body by a boy with no tongue. I stare in horror as it raps so far it rips her to twenty different pieces. Blood splatters all over my shirt and face. Adding the entire room.

...And that was randomly sudden.

She could have been the best thing in this hell. I never cared for little kids. This forces me to fully hate these kids here.

I can tell that the hatred seethes from your being. Just reading that statement riles my blood. Hear my anguished roar.

The boy zips at me so fast, untrained people would be so screwed. I grab his face and use the momentum to swing him around and break to the floor below.

...Where the fuck do you get 'clothesline a ghost so hard you smash it through the floor' training?!


I drop to my knees in front of Seiko's remains. I proceed to press my hands together. I believe there is some kind of God figure, however I refuse to worship some person that might be the last of some other race of super beings.

...I... wha?

The door opens showing a crying Naomi. "What happened!? Seikoooooooooooooo!" She cries out on agony.

Oh yeah Naomi you were supposed to be here, huh? Well, uh, have fun with the splattered remains of your plotline! ...Oh, uh, sorry, I didn't mean... yeeaaahhhh... moving on...

-Vandra leaves Naomi to cry, claims they'll be trauamtised despite being uber ultra badass, and comes across Ayumi and Yoshiki-

A wide demonic smirk rounds on their faces. "Well Mayu is splattered on the wall! It gave me so wet that I had to fuck this blond hunk here!" The demon girl laughs evilly.
I clap. They both look at me like I am the one that just made that lewd comment. 

Oh so they're rolling their eyes and sighing dramatically, too?

"As much as I would like to talk about what turns you on, I have to find Satoshi and Yuka." I go to leave, but stop. "Burn in hell for your trickery demons."

Oh man, so badass. I wonder what his next action is!

A howl of anger triggers my legs into overdrive. Gotta go fast. Crest gotta go fast. Crest gotta go faster faster fa-fa-fa-fa-faster! I liked watching that show.

...Confirmation that this was a troll fic all along? Huh. Well, let's see if the author's note has anything to say for this, uh... thing.

Cliff hanger? I have no clue to make one. Soooooo. Thisis my first horror story.

It shows.

Phew. That was an ordeal. And pretty awful, honestly. Let's compile a small laundry list of issues I have...

1) Vandra.
2) Horrible characterisation
3) Vandra.
4) Out of place horrible backstory, which is pretty impressive for a horror setting.
5) Vandra.
6) Removing/changing important scenes and thus eliminate a lot of context behind certain actions

It honestly feels like no effort was put into this work. I wanna be mad, but slipping in the Sonic meme makes me wonder if it was just a troll fic all along. Well, that and the clothesline. It's hard to take a horror seriously when you do that to a ghost.

Ah well. back to making myself feel better.

Thursday, 2 March 2017

Riffdom Hearts 2.9/2 Years. Final Mix HD Collection.

Today's subject is A journey across the worlds, a Kingdom Hearts fanfic by Haro654, in which a self-insert is thrust into the universe of Kingdom Hearts to defeat Ansem. Presumably Xehanort and Xemnas get a pass.

Wolf Mitchell, is a 20 year old man, who moves to Destiny Islands where he meets many people and eventually learns of his origins from a planet called Earth. He even learns of Ansem and his motives and is determined to stop him, hell, he will stop him. Eventually he meets a brown haired girl and her friends. OCxOlette

Really hope Olette's the oldest of the Twilight Town cast, otherwise we'll be shipping a most-likely fifteen-year-old girl with Self-Insert here. And I guess Wolf doesn't know he's in a "sucked into the game" self-insert fanfic? I suppose that's... novel.

Time to get started, then!

Pain, this is what I felt when I was hit in the head with a book.

And we're already starting with with some useful trivia.

Wolf Mitchell, a 20 year old man, with short brown hair and blue eyes, was and will always be, in his opinion, an assistant librarian.

What better way to get the young'uns reading than to have a librarian named Wold recommending stories to you?

"Well then Mr. Mitchell, don't fall asleep on the job next time, otherwise you can get the hell out of my library."
Wolf nods vigorously "Yes Mrs. Morrison, won't happen again."

And... that's all there is to that scene. I guess we've established Wolf is a keen reader. And Mrs. Morrison is a tad grumpy.

(Author's Note: Wolf when he traveling other worlds is wearing Kirito's outfit from the ALO arc of Sword art online, but it's white instead. Normally right now he's wearing a t shirt, jeans and some tennis shoes.)

For those of you who have never seen Sword Art Online, I have created a handy visual reference for what a white version of his Alfheim stuff would look like:

I may have exerted the same amount of effort the author put into designing his OC's look

I also appreciate the author's note breaking into the story to seamlessly describe his appearance.

-Wolf heads home, and suspects a break-in has occurred at his apartment-

To see his apartment broken into or so he thought looked like some of his favorite objects that could be easily bought again, but he really didn't want to buy them again

...Wanna try that sentence again?

As Wolf was about to enter the apartment he sees a cloaked figured just standing there staring at him.

Yeah, those folk are easy to miss. All that standing and stuff.

"Who the hell are you? Doesn't really matter I could just call the cops on you for breaking and entering."

Then why did you even bother asking? And how do you know that they broke into your home? It sounded like they were just standing outside the apartment, and there's been no mention of a broken door, just a light switched on.

"Don't be afraid, the door will open soon, you shall help the one who will save the worlds."

"You, specifically, as opposed to the billions of other people on this planet alone, never mind the potential assistance of two company's worth of characters I could ask."

"Wait what? The hell are you on?" Wolf was questioning this random stranger who was standing in front of talking in a weird, but in a quiet almost shy voice to be exact. Soon the world around goes black.

Well that was an abrupt end to the prologue. Wonder what the shy cloaked figure was about. Well, before we move onto chapter two, here's a bit from the author's note at the end.

 oh and also request worlds in which Wolf could possibly go to could be anything from anime, books, video games, movies, and tv shows. Maybe I might put some songs into the fic making it a adventure, action, romance, song fic of sorts!

You'd think a crossover between Disney and Final Fantasy would give you at least one or two cool opportunities, but everyone seems to insist on turning it into a massive crossover. I mean, sure, go ahead, but shouldn't you put the fanfic into the crossover section of the site?

Also songs in fanfics uuuuuuggggggghhhhhh

Right, anyways! Onto chapter 1!

Chapter 1- The meeting between a goddess and a hero?

I'm not sure how to feel if even the chapter title sounds confused about its' contents.

All I see is white mist covering what looks like to be a forgotten old-western town.

Starting in Silent Hill is a hell of a hurdle there, dude.

"Where the hell am I, and where the hell are the townsfolk supposed to be at?" I say to no one in particular, since you know, no one apparently live here.

I mean, are we absolutely sure people aren't just staying inside their homes to keep warm or something?

"Well you aren't exactly right, Wolf" A voice says in my head. "But you aren't exactly wrong either."
"Who the fuck are you? How in the hell do you do you know my name?" I shouted to the voice in my head.

Watch it guys, we gettin' some edge in our Kingdom Hearts.

"Wolf, my name is Kathrine, I was told by the Creator himself that you were coming to my realm." The new voice, dubbed Katrine, said in my head.

Rude. She just said her name was Katherine, Wolf.

"But…bu….b… what….How did you…"
"Read your thoughts? Well….. I'm a goddess sent by Zeus." Reveling her true nature to me.

Ugh, what is with these Greek gods, always revelling in their divin... wait a minute, Katherine? Zeus' daughter? What?

"Wait, as in the Greek god of thunder and the king of all Greek gods?" I said, now both confused and now skeptical.

Yeah, I'm with Wolf here. Who the hell is Katherine?

She now looks straight at me, while still being a goddess herself, looks at me and blushes a little.

Oh goody, the supposed goddess is already in love with self-insert, with less reasoning given than your standard harem anime protagonist. I like how it had to reassure the reader she was totally still a goddess, too.

 "Did she just blush about me? Uh what the hell did I do to make her do that?"

Even Wolf is calling bullshit!

Shaking her thoughts she now proceeds to asks me if I have any sorts of skills.

It was nice of the Creator to not inform Katherine of any important info on this super special individual.

"Well…." I began saying to her. "Uh, well I'm pretty decent with the Bow and Arrow, I'm also pretty good at Parkour."

What an odd set of abilities for a librarian to have.

So with that my friends I bring to you my start of a journey in which I find love from a girl and maybe a goddess,

How strange that the summary advertises OCxOlette because no one ever ships her, yet he seems to be going the harem route here.

 fight an evil that could be rising (even though at the time I didn't know it and Kathrine hasn't told me at that point in time.), and maybe get into a whole lot of trouble with different characters of different worlds.

For that matter, wasn't he supposed to move to Destiny Islands? And somehow not know he was from Earth? Did the author just completely forget his own summary in the time it took to write the chapters?

"Wolf? Who are you talking to?" Kathrine inquired about my thoughts.
"Uh no one…..." I said to the confused goddess of Zeus.

And what's the point of narrating to the audience like this? Are you sudden;y self-aware?!

Well, that's that. This, uh... was there even a single Kingdom Hearts related subject anywhere in this fanfiction? Outside of the summary, there's virtually no mention of the characters - well, according to one of the notes, Sora and Pals will cameo at some point, but beyond that, there's nothing that fits the setting at all here.

You'd think with all the children Zeus has, using an actual daughter of his would be simple enough to do, so why invent a new one? Was it too weird to make Aphrodite a harem member? And for that matter, are these the same gods from Hercules' setting? I get the strange feeling they won't be.

I suppose the one silver lining is that this story hasn't gotten to the Olette shipping yet. 

Friday, 18 November 2016

Dragon Ball F Kai: My Titles Are So Witty

So hey, Super's finally getting a dub. That's neat. Still waiting for the rest of Kai to be dubbed though, but I'm sure Funi's getting right on that. Maybe. Probably. Well, putting my aversion to Japanese Goku's voice aside, I suppose I can spend my wait reading dome DBZ fanfics.

Dragon Ball F by Legend of light, is a story about Goku having a twin, which will drastically alter the story of DBZ. I guess?

What if Goku had a had a twin sister that was older than him by 9 minutes. How will this change the entire story? How will this affect Gohan, Goku, Chichi and the rest of the Z-fighters? How can this change affect the entire DBZ universe find out on Dragon Ball F. Current saga: Saiyan Saga

I'm torn between wondering why this OC is specifically nine minutes older than Goku, and wanting Kyle Hebert to narrate this summary. Which is repeated within the chapter itself for some reason.

Welp, time for some Act 1: Origins Part 1.

24 years ago.Planet Vegeta.Two newborn babies who are born with a tail are laying around on there incubators crying loudly.

Setting up early for that movie about Broly and his older-by-nine-minutes twin sister, I see.

They are fraternal twins one is a boy named Kakarot and the other is a girl named Fasha. 

So one of Bardock's buddies is now his daughter. 'Kay then.

"What is their power level?" asked a old man with a large nose in a doctors coat.
"The boys power level is 5 while the girls power level is 15."said the second man.

I'm sure you Dragonball fans just screamed in hot-blooded rage at those sentences. And I can see why. Everyone knows that Baby Goku's power level was two!

Just then then the first old man received a written order from King Vegeta in there scouters which is a device on there eye.

Boy am I glad those scouters were fully described. I had no idea what they were, what they looked like, how they function, what they're supposed to do... all of this has been properly exposited in a natural way.

"We got orders from King Vegeta to send them to a Planet called Earth it is rare that we send two babies to a planet but in this case since they are twins we have to send them together and the king knows that for some reason" said the first old man.


Knows what for some reason? That Bardock had twins? That twins are supposed to conquer planets together? That doing so is rare to begin with?

The first old man puts Fasha being the oldest of the twins in her pod and prepare her for transport buy putting in the coordinates and supplying enough milk for the trip. Likewise the second old man does the same for Kakarot.

...The thought occurs to me: How the hell do Saiyans survive the trip anywhere in those pods? All they can do is sit in it for however long the trip is; where's the food and water?

As the two babies are sent towards Earth, trouble awaits there father. As he prepares to fight the diabolical tyrant named Frieza, the tyrant uses his death ball to destroy the warrior and the planet behind him.

Barely seven sentences ago, it was established that Bardock was on Planet Meat. How long did it take to prepare those pods?

-Kakarot lands on Earth two months later and cries-

A old man named Gohan who was a famous martial artist he was the winmer of the 18 and 19 world martial arts tournament and lost to King Chappa in the 20th world martial arts tournament.

...Uh, right. Good to know all of that suddenly. What about it?

And he was walking through the forest when all of a sudden he hears a loud cry echo through the woods.

This caused the grumpy old man's power level to shoot right up to 10000.

"You boy! have the cry of a warrior you are going to be called Goku and I will raise you like if you were my grandchild you will receive excellent care under me."

Exactly what I would say if I saw a tailed boy crying next to an alien spaceship. ...Snarking this scene is hard to do when I don't think it was all that different from canon, really.

Now Goku in the beginning gives him a lot of trouble, despite the kindness of Gohan, but later Kakarot bumps his head down a cliff and the server head trauma causes him to forget about destroying Earth and becomes a caring loving boy.

Well, glad to have that extremely sparse recap of Goku's backstory. So far, the only difference is that Goku started off about twice as strong as he did in canon. Which is much less impressive than you'd hope it is.

-And now for Fasha's landing-

Fasha pod lands a couple of miles away from the city of Winstar in the mountain areas. The pod has crash into the mountain before hitting the slope and rolling down into the ground then hitting the cliff and slaming five hundred feet into the ground destroying the pod on its final impact.

As well as the tiny body of the defenseless, powerless Saiyan. Poor thing never stood a chance.

Fasha is badly injured in the crash.

Bullshit she's 'seriously injured'!

She has server head trauma and other injuries through her body. the pod has been destroyed. She eventually begins to cry loudly from the injuries.

Or, I dunno... drool incessantly or twitch weakly as the last of her doomed life fades from this world?

-And then a doctor and social worker happen to be hiking nearby-

When they arrive at the source of the crying they see a baby girl who was naked inside a destroyed spacepod who was bleeding from her head and other part of the body.

""Jesus Christ I can see every one of her bones poking through her skin!" the doctor cried out in horror, as her husband recited a tearful prayer for the suffering infant."

"obviously this baby is alien but we cant leave it here." Said the man after seeing her tail

Is that really the only observation that comes to you right now?

"there, there you will be alright, you are right that is why we are going to raise it as are own child. We will name her Kari lets treat her for her injuries" said the woman.

It's nice that you had the frame of mind to adopt and name the alien baby that is probably bleeding internally, but seriously you might want to speed up the 'treat her injuries' part.


Kari has grown up since then and is now a twenty-four year old woman who has fought in numerous tournaments. She is a master in numerous of styles of martial arts including Aikido, Karate, Wing Chun, and others.

Figures she'd monopolise the cool-sounding fighting styles. I suppose Turtle Style and Crane Style weren't Ip Man enough for her.

Even though she loves to fight she has other hobbies as well, like every girl she likes to shop, and she loves gymnastics, she is also a woman of many secrets for example she had a tail that she keeps hidden.

Good job managing to do that for twenty-four whole years, I suppose?

Kari walks in the kitchen after the thirteen straight night with the same dream it is late at night and she has only slept an hour each night since she has started to have the dream about the man.

Yeah, those dreams are annoying. Look, I get it, there's someone I used to know, and for no reason I'm suddenly dreaming about them, but can I please get a full night's rest? ...Why is it preventing her from sleeping, exactly? It doesn't sound like a nightmare.

Kari grabbed a wineglass from the cupboard and then poured a glass of Red Wine. Kari knows she only drinks wine when she is upset.

I would hope Kari knows her own mannerisms. It would kind of make sense that she does, really.

'Maybe I should call Asuna or Jeriko?' Kari pondered.

Is it just me, or do names like Kari, Asuna and Jeriko just not fit within Dragonball's setting? Maybe I'm just too used to characters being named after underwear, vegetables or the fairy godmother's chant?

Asuna is her best friend, they were friends since they were little, they practice Wing Chan on a daily basis while its safe to say Kari is far better than anyone she faced and is much better than her at this point.

Well of course she is. Can't be Goku's older twin brother without being an instant combat expert.

-Kari goes to bed after pointing out she is better at Karate than Jeriko the Karate instructor-

As she sits on her bed she looks at a picture of her at 7 years old that she hasn't even shown Timothy.

Timothy, as the next sentence explains, is her fiancee (also she is better ai Aikido than Timothy). I have to wonder how he's missed this picture, given no special effort seems to have went into hiding it. Nor do I even know why it should be hidden.

'What would he say if he knew I had a tail I know he'd probably go crazy? What am I saying this is Timothy I'm talking about the man I still love but I'm on a mission to find who am I and where I come from.' Kari thought

Not really sure how those two thoughts connect but sure. Also, seriously, how can you manage to keep your tail hidden for this long from everyone?! there's no way in hell it never accidentally slipped out of your gi during a sparring match or something.

-And then it's the next day-

"Ok, I'll leave my month rent on the table as I'm going to West City" Kari said as she takes the mortgage payments for the next few months and put it into a envelope. "Maybe they might know who this person I keep dreaming about."

...Well this is kind of abrupt.

Kari took only a spare of clothes with her and a few drinks and a lot of canned goods and a box of plastic Forks, knives and spoons as well as some DynoCaps with her.

Is this a journey to learn your roots, or an overnight camping trip in the field behind your house?

She then walks outside and sees her friend Asuna. She places the envelope with the mortgage payment in her mail box and lifts the red tab. She then walks towards her friend.
"Asuna what are you doing here?" Kari asked.

"I inexplicably knew you were leaving so I sat out here all night to stop you."

"I know you know me since I was 8 but I'm going show you something I've never shown anyone" Kari said.
"And what is that?" Asuna asked
"This" Kari said as she went into the back of her pants and pulls her tail out.

...'went into the back of her pants'? I'm sure there's a less awkward way to write things. And why couldn't she just... raise the tail out? Unless its' mobility was permanently crippled by that crash-landing, I'm sure it's well within your capabilities.

"Kari what is that?" Asuna asked a little freaked out as she pointed at the tail in shock.
"My tail and before you ask I have no idea where I got it I guess I was born with it" Kari explained.

I feel like I see these pre-emptive statements in these fics a lot. "BEFORE YOU ASK ME WHY/WHEN/HOW I DUNNO SO SHUT UP"

"Take my car and I'm coming with you." Replies Asuna
"Fine" Kari said as she put her stuff in the car.

...So... you were planning on skipping town without telling your friends, but you have no qualms with them joining you? Why exactly are you being so secretive about it? you're not even telling your boyfriend.

-We're on the road to West City-

"Kari whenever we go to a restaurant you always get a appetizer and a meal and it it yourself, why?" Asuna asked.

...Because that's what you generally do at a restaurant?

"Let just say I eat more than ten to fifteen servings per meal." Kari said.
"How when you look so skinny?" Asuna asked.
"Tell me when we get there and I don't know I think it has something to do with my tail." Kari said as she lay down and took a nap.

Look, Kari, if you don't want to talk about your eating habits, that's fine. But you don't need to be rude about dodging the question.

"Ok Kari." Asuna said as she pulled out a wireless headset and places it on her cell phone.

Er, no, the headset goes on your head, Asuna.

"Jeriko, Honey, are you there?"
"Yea Asuna, so did Kari get surprised?" Jason asked.

I'm guessing the whole circle of friends somehow knew she was leaving, then? Why the hell was she trying to keep it a secret if it's so easy to know what she's doing?

"Jeriko can you look up Capsule Corp and see if they know anyone that may have a tail, don't ask?" Asuna said.

Nah, I'm gonna ask. Why are you randomly searching up Capsule Corp for that kind of info?

"Asuna I tried to find something but the site is so complex that when I try to find anything remotely similar to someone with a tail it starts up a red alert and forces my computer to shut the tab off." Jeriko said.

Sounds more like a virus to me. Or Capsule Corp seriously decided to tamper with google results for anyone that looks up Goku. For some reason.

...Why would Capsule Corp cover up Goku's existence, exactly? Even after several martial arts tournaments and heroic deeds, he's hardly some well-known, legendary warrior to the masses.

"That was just the bad news and you are right I did find some good news, Someone named Son Goku Fought in the WMAT and he had a tail and more importantly Capsule Corps may know something about it."

And so, CC's censorship was rendered completely pointless two sentences later. More proof that it never works, I suppose?

-Meanwhile, in space-

Passing the Dwarf Planet Pluto were two Space pods there mission is a mystery but there ambitions are no good. And they are heading straight towards earth.

So either Nappa and Vegeta are already on their way, or Raditz is joined by yet another OC for some reason. I wonder what it could be?!

In one space pod was a male body with a lot of hair wearing some type of armor. In the other space pod was another male this one had a short hair cut and blue both had strange devices on there right eye.

Well that's a super interesting way to end a chapter, I guess. "Here's two guys with fancy space monocles. I guess they're baddies."

What's the deal with these two males heading towards Earth? Are they friends? Are they new Enemies? Will Kari find the answers she is looking for? Will like the answers if she gets them? Find out next Dragon Ball F

The story already spoiled the fact that those two guys are up to no good,  Kyle Hebert. Nice read, though!

Well, that... happened. I'm not really sure what to say about it. The story's a bit bland, really, and feels nothing like Dragonball; no ridiculous, over-the-top fighting like Z, or even whacky silliness from the early DB era. Not to mention that the concept isn't exactly riveting, especially when you just give her brain damage as well. On top of surviving a spectacular crash that would've probably killed Vegeta.

So, that's that, I suppose. Guess I'll go buy Xenoverse 2 in the distant future and play as Goku's evil alter-ego turned good via a bump on the noggin'.